Just a bit of advice...please... and maybe a rant!

[Joanner93]

First time poster here (after taking about 1 hour figuring out how to post 😂)

Just after a bit of advice really. I'm a full time working single mam. I work 2 jobs, one full time one part time just to make ends meet.

My son's dad is a waste of space really. We split up when Thomas was nearly 2. He is 4 now. His dad left me in thousands of pounds worth of debt, which I am paying off and slowly getting there. He doesn't pay a penny towards Thomas hence me working 2 jobs. I have tried to get maintenance privately but he just point blank refuses. I have tried to get maintenance through CSA, but because he lives in Ireland they can't do it. I was told to print off REMO7 which is how you go about getting maintenance from Ireland apparently. No one (citizens advice, solicitor or even the organisation who deal with the forms are not trained to help fill in the forms) so first question.. anyone had any experience of getting maintenance from someone who lives in Ireland?

His dad never bothers him, though Thomas does go to Ireland in school holidays. I have no problem with this - in fact I encourage it. My little boy however, begs me to not let him go. He hates going there and I dont blame him. His mother is a bitch quite frankly. AIBU to not send him when he begs me not to let him go? His dad never asks how he is doing, Skypes with him once every month if that. He barely knows anything about him. When Thomas goes to Ireland he refuses to let me speak to him and won't let me know how he is doing. I'm trying my best to make Thomas have a relationship with his dad, but Thomas comes back from Ireland and tells me the things he says about me.

The next thing is getting me down so much! I feel like I have lost my identity a bit. Don't get me wrong.. I love the bones off Thomas, but here is my life day in day out. Wake up, get sorted for work, get Thomas sorted for school, take him to breakfast club, go to work 8.45-5.15, get home from work at 6, make dinner for me (Thomas has already has his) play with his trains or anything else he wants me to play with, learn to do things such as writing or reading, bath and I'm finding myself needing to go to bed at 8 o clock at night because he wont go to bed with out me. If I get out he just comes down stairs and repeats until I just go to bed. On the weekends I try and take him for walks, bike rides, parks, museums. Wherever really. Every Saturday we are out and about doing something. We then watch a Disney movie or whatever he wants and then bed. I work on a Thursday night and Sunday afternoon. I'm so sad that I'm hardly spending time with him because of work - but I'm also wondering how people with the same sort of lifestyles still fit in meeting with friends for a coffee or a meal? Or 5 minutes to your self?

Sorry for the essay and thanks!

Hi, Joanner93.
I read your post and i felt i should reach out..i couldn't read and run.
Have you got friends with kids of similar age or even a little bit older?
Swapping the occassional one night sleepovers? Using Bubble app?
I recently discovered a play centre near my area, it is quite intimate...i found that i could actually leave my two year old to play safely. She didn't need much entertainment from me unlike other playcentres we have. It is fully padded, no sharp edges and really designed to kerp the kids interested beyond climbing and sliding. They have a little cafe right by the play area and that's one of the 1st times, i have a full one hour chatting with a friend without having to get up and go to my 2 yr old. It was such a relaxing experience....it is now our go to place.
If you have something like that in your area...your little one is 4yrs right..would that be any help? You could go have a tea/coffe browse a magazine or read a novel while little one plays.

*you included your son's name in your OP.

I wish you all the best. Hope better suggestions come along.

There are lots of issues here.

The contact . Why do you think Ds doesn’t want to go? I would address that difficult because I also assume it is saving paying for holiday care.

Re bedtime. I would say time to challenge it . My Ds was told he could get up if he had a bad dream, needed a wee or was not well. Nothing else. You could start a star chart, do moving chair technique which you move further away over time so he can settle alone, but it will just give you a valuable hour to yourself..

Also get him on waiting list for beavers . It has been my life line very occasional camp an hour a week to myself

Ireland and the UK are both on the list of countries that work with each other enforcing each other's court orders for child access and maintenance. REMO, reciprocal enforcement of Maintenance ORders. Have you got a solicitor? Sounds like you've been trying to do this yourself. A solicitor handled it for me.

The first step is that you will need his address in Ireland. Also if he's self-employed I wouldn't bother your arse with it. I'm ''lucky'' as my x is a professional and defying a court order would prevent him renewing his professional licence.

Unless you have worries about your son's safety, I would just accept that there are two universes, his father's and yours. It's less stressful. I dont' try to control what goes on at DCs dad's house. None of my business.
Have you been funding flights to Ireland or has his father? I would say that a week is too long and the next trip will be 3 days (max) that is a long time to a child. Your x's mother is probably a cow, I don't doubt it but could you appeal to her as a mother, ask her to please let your son ring you if he's distressed?