I’m f#*#ing livid really need a rant!

[Rbkh]

I’m so bloody angry, my stupid ex and deadbeat dad has once again failed to pay leaving us seriously strapped for cash. My daughter has multiple allergies making food shopping extremely expensive for just the basics! He sat there and lied to my face once again and slagged me off forme stopping him seeing her but this is the reason why! He’s now ignored my messages for 5 days even though he’s been online multiple times. I have ended up messaging his nephew who’s older than him telling him that it will now be going through the courts if he wants to see her, he’s just read and ignored all my messages even the one about my little ones birthday party. I’m just so pissed off at how rude his whole family are. I’m seriously in debt because he hasn’t bothered to pay, I’ve had to borrow money from my parents for her shoes as I couldn’t afford them I just feel like an utterly shit mum, made worse by my ex telling me last month that being a single mum was easy and finding a job and paying for childcare is easy to do on my own all whilst he sits there on his bed of money not paying for his daughter. Even now writing this I can’t stop crying because I feel like a failure of a mum to my daughter for not having money or a job right now to pay for her. My depression has come back even worse and all I’m thinking about is ending it. I honestly don’t know how all you single mums do it cause I’m useless at being one. Single parents get zero credit and they deserve so much x

Sounds shit, rant away. Probably a dumb question, but have you tried to get payments from him through the CSA yet? Is there a reason why this doesn't help in your case? Because if he has an income and isn't paying his fair share, then try to go though the official channels if he is being a twat about paying. Also, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but contact between your child and her father is a separate issue from what he pays. Unless you have other reasons to stop him seeing your daughter, don't do solely because he wont pay.

Oh, and you're NOT a shit mum!

Your ex is a twat. Being a singlè mum isn't easy, and I know from experience!
You're doing the best you can for your child and that means more than anything. On the other hand, your ex clearly doesn't give a shit about helping to contribute towards his child's upbringing.
It's him who is the failure, (and a complete dead beat father) for not providing for his child and insulting his child's mother.

Take no notice of the idiotic crap he spouts. He's just projecting his own inadequacies on to you.

As for maintenance, can you not go to the cms?

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and feel so low.

Contact CMS tomorrow morning and open a case. Get the ball rolling. Your ex has a financial obligation to support his child.

Let them deal with him.

We have all been in shit situations! I've had to borrow money before or sell things just to put food on the table. In fact this month has been one of those months. We've had some seriously strange meals where I've thrown some random bits out of the freezer together. It doesn't make you a shit mum. He's definitely a shit dad though.

I've always found a dignified silence the best approach. Don't message any of his friends or family about him, he will just use it to "prove" what a psycho ex you are. Let him tell his bullshit to whoever will listen. I promise you that people will see through it eventually. I have been separated almost 10 years from my eldest 2's dad and had the exact same crap.

Go through the CMS if you haven't already.

I know it's so hard but is he a good dad when he looks after your daughter? If he is then I'd try and take the moral high ground and let him have contact. I've had to bite my tongue so many times over the years but we have always kept the arguments separate from contact. It's fucking hard though.

Draw on support from your friends and family. Ask for a referral to a food bank if you need it. Are there any other benefits you would be entitled to? You can get an interest free loan from the social fund which is paid back from your benefits if you need it.

Thanks so much for all of your kind replies and support, it’s reslly kind and made me feel a little better. I will try and answer all questions in order

Regarding the csa, if I’m honest I have no idea where to start with it and how to actually go about it. I’ve hesrd of it but I’m still a bit in the dark about it.

He’s an okay dad, could be a lot better. He is so clueless about safety, let’s her run out in the road, go near the oven etc and doesnt think to get her way from it etc which makes me feel sick with fear if I leave the room and he is inconsistent with visits leaving it up to 2 months at a time.

I’m lucky st the minute to be able to live at my parents although we clash a lot so it also makes it difficult.
I am getting benefits st the minute but because of him not paying I’ve ended up behind on my debt payments that may I add were caused by stupid things like buying his stupid family presents when we were together! Also just getting my daughter free from food accumulates to over £25 a week on basics like milk, cheese, yoghurt and simple foods that should only cost £5-£6 instead.
I currently pay £200 towards rent food etc at my parents which I don’t mind as I don’t pay for the likes of a tv licence, housing tax. We’re lucky that we have that and I am extremely grateful for the help from my family. It’s when it’s big expenses like shoes for her, or new clothes things that are essentials it can get tough and her birthday is only 1 month away so that’s also making me sick with worry. I’ve had to buy a lot of toys second hand which I don’t mind and I love second hand bargains but I think it’s that slight guilt of thinking I should buy new for once a year. I have cut back on everything I could possibly do. I buy the likes of my toiletries from the pound shop, I rarely get any clothes or shoes unless broken, normally if they can’t be sewn up anymore, I’d much rather she had the best stuff and I go without something her dad clesrly wouldn’t do.

He had threatened me on many occasions that he will take her away using my mental health problems as the reason, even though I’m under the doctor and hospital and I was signed off from my therapist as she saw me as no concern, yet he thinks he can be a much better parent than me! X

I’ve just done some googling on child maintenance, is there a reason I have to pay a £20 fee? Surely it should becthe parent who doesn’t bother who should pay it.

You want a service, you need to pay. It sucks, it really does but at least once they get involved then you will get your regular monthly payment. As long as he is employed then they will get the money. If he's self employed it can be hard.

Call them, start a case. Don't delay. If he's done this before I really don't understand why you havnt gone through them sooner.

With the csa if he refuses payment will they chase him or just keep leaving it as an in arrears every month. I’ve just got this funny feeling he’s going to ignore any letters or anything.

I think I’ve been too naive up until now, he was a good liar, very manipulative and I used to believe everything, I’ve always had low self confidence so I think his shitty fake believable words made me still fall for it, it’s only since being on my own again for the first time that I realise how much of a fool I was to believe anything he had said. I will give them a call tomorrow though and have a chat and start a case.

I can’t thank you guys enough for all of your lovely kind and helpful words and support. You honestly don’t know how much it means x

So they will start by doing an assessment. They used to ask them for payslips, and if they are ignored they go to HMRC and get their records from the previous year. They use that to do the calculation and set an amount. They then get the chance to pay you directly, which is free. The payment must be given to you within 5 working days of the date specified. If he doesn't pay, you call and tell them. They will then move it over to collect and pay. This is where they take the money from him and then pass it on to you. He needs to pay extra for that; the extra money goes to the child maintenance service as an admin fee and you get the full amount that you should.

If he is not paying you have nothing to lose.( except £20)

When you speak to the Child maintenance service there may be a possibility that they will waive the initial £20 fee if there's been domestic violence for example.

As soon as you call and open a case (very easy to do) then, even if it takes a while for payments to be set up, it will all be backdated to the day you contacted them. Don't hang about,.make the phone call!

maintenance isnt suppose to be relied on.

my ex pays £5 a week for 4 kids.

@Creeper8

That's good to know. Now that youve told her not to rely on the money he should pay towards covering costs, she can just magic up some more money, can't she?

Honestly. Some posters.

A lot of people have no option but to rely on maintenance being paid as one wage doesn't always cover everything, or they are in between jobs so are already living on a pittance.

If the man is in stable employment then there is nothing wrong with including your maintenance as part of your expected income when budgeting. It's only an issue if you have kids with someone who doesn't bother to work, or who hide his income through self employment and bonuses etc.

@Toffeebanoffee

It's backdated to the day they contact him. They can't take money from someone for s time period that they weren't aware of a case.

But as soon as they contact him, he's on the hook no matter how much he tries to ignore them.

FiftysHades
You're right, I never thought of that!

OP, make sure you give as many details as possible when you contact the CMS, and get the ball rolling quicker.

Hi all just an update. Spoke to the CMS and got the ball rolling, the lady was extremely helpful and I think I gave a fair bit of info on him to be chased up! He works 2 different jobs though and I only know the details of one but hopefully even that bit of info will help. I’ve got a feeling he’s told his whole family lies and none of them have replied to any messages now, not even the ones regarding my daughter and her party! They are all so rude. I’m worried he’s going to try and take her away from me though because of my mental health. When I was in a really bad state in my head a couple of months ago due to all of his lies and how he was manipulating me I said a few things that I didn’t even realised I’d said at the time.i think I said something along the lines of I’d rather me and my daughter died than have him ruin our life and have him take her away. I know I wasn’t in a right state of mind at the time and obviously I’d never ever do anything ever, it was just an absolutely mad moment of my life, but now I’ve got a funny feeling he’s going to use my mental health as a way to take her away from me so that’s making me panic even more! I just feel like it’s never ending, I honestly regret him being her dad so much now, he’s made our life hell from the day she was born and he’s making my depression worse by all this stress :(

Good update! Well done for getting the ball rolling.
With regards to what I said before about him not paying not being a reason in itself to limit contact, your update when you said this: He is so clueless about safety, let’s her run out in the road, go near the oven etc and doesnt think to get her way from it etc which makes me feel sick with fear if I leave the room and he is inconsistent with visits leaving it up to 2 months at a time are better reasons to restrict how long he is left alone with her.

Citizens Advice may also be able to help you - they may be able to point you towards other sources of help, there may even be some benefits you are entitled to that you're not getting at the moment.

Don't feel guilty about second hand toys, especially if your daughter is still little (kids don't notice that kind of thing). Even though I was doing ok for money, I still bought a lot of my dd's toys second hand when she was little. She loved them and its better for the environment!
How old is your daughter? I bet she will have a wonderful birthday with you.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/how-we-provide-advice/

Well done for getting the ball rolling! Stick with it, sometimes you have to ring them and get them to chase it up...

Yes will definitely stick with it now, he’s treated me like a right fool. He’s also spun a huge web of lies to his family. They are just as rude and have read my messages and ignored them. I’ve now told them her party is cancelled as there is no way I want them anywhere near my home, the see my ex as the golden boy who does absolutely nothing wrong. I’ve just got this funny feeling my ex is going to take my daughter away though as he’s threatened me with it many times before telling me I’m a bad mum and saying I won’t stand a chance because of my mental health issues, even though I have the correct support around me. I know though that I’m a better parent than he would ever be, but there is still that doubt that he will take her :(

She’s only 2 this year so luckily not into huge name brands and the new fads that come and go. She adores bing and I managed to pick up some immaculate second hand toys for really cheap which I’m pleased with, I think I’m over worrying about what others will think rather than my daughter which I realise is silly, as long as she’s happy with them that’s all I want :)

I have wealthy parents and I earn a lot more than average. I still buy a lot of toys on eBay. Why pay £10 per imaginext character from the toy shop when I can get a bundle of characters on eBay for that same £10.

Honestly, you might think that everyone else is buying shiny new toys but I promise you, we aren't. Of course we do sometimes, but no one (other than snobs) turns their nose up at eBay!

I think you should go and see a solicitor. You often get a free first appointment and they will assess you for legal aid. Then you can get proper advice on what to do because living with the content threat of him taking her away from you is not fun. He won't win because of your past issues. That's dealt with; it will come into it a little but if you've got thing a under control then don't let it worry you. The way he is acting so much more detrimental to her than your past. But see a solicitor and get prepared. Maybe have a minute of agreement drafted.

I’m currently looking into a solicitor but trying to find legal aid is such a nightmare and I’m not having much luck. I’m going to try and ring a few places and hope they see my case as qualifying for legal aid, but I’m not getting my hope up.

His dad has been extremely rude ignoring all messages regarding my daughters birthday, so I put him straight in a message yesterday telling him what his son hasn’t bothered to do and why I’ve stopped him seeing his child and how unreliable he’s always been, although he does no wrong in his family’s eyes. He could kill someone and they’d still say he was the perfect boy.
So clearly judging by how he has read my messages and ignored them all I am going to assume that my ex has told a massive web of lies and no doubt is still saying he pays etc. I’ve just told them all that I won’t be in contact with them ever again now as I don’t want my daughter around people who think this sort of behaviour and treatment is acceptable.
Really wound me up how they think he’s done nothing wrong and just shows how badly they have raised him!