Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Hassle from friends to get a boyfriend

19 replies

TurnAgainCat · 24/08/2004 15:26

Long, sorry. Had dinner last night with a married friend, who really has my best interests at heart, but instead of a nice evening out, it made me very sad. First she said we should meet in the bar of the restaurant, but then said she would be late, and I might meet someone nice in the bar, as it was a classy restaurant! The waiting area had sofas, and only two middle aged men having a chat, unsurprisingly, so I read the cigar menu carefully until she came. She seemed disappointed that I was alone. Then during dinner, the conversation came round to why I was still single, and she said all the wrong things and I was about to cry. I met several interesting men this year through going out more, taking classes, doing sports, and so on, and managed to chat with them, and get email addresses, and invite them here and there, however, nothing more has happened. All these men work full-time as professionals, all have been friendly and polite to me, all are too busy and serious types that don't fool around much (if at all), and none have had a direct sexual signal from me, so if they don't pursue me, I try not to take it as an indicator that they dislike me, and try to think that their friendly behaviour, eg saying they would like to see me again, emailing me, indicates some generally friendly reaction. She said, meaning well, that if a man does not chase after you, then he just does not fancy you, full stop. I know that this is not the case, from previous relationships, because many men are shy or busy or forgetful or not looking for a girlfriend, but I felt really upset by her assuming that no one ever fancies me, and they just all say they would like to see me again from politeness. It made me feel like I was Miss Piggy towards Kermit. Then this morning she sent me an email saying I should go on a TV show where they are looking for dates for busy single parents. I would be totally humiliated to have my private life ventilated on TV, and I would be a laughing stock with my professional clients, however, I felt obliged to ring the producer for a chat, just so that I could report back to my friend, and she would not accuse me of not trying hard enough. Then, this afternoon, she has sent me a message saying that two of her work colleagues recommended two internet dating sites! I went and had a look, and just can't face it. It seems really crude, eg you have to score yourself on physical attraction and place a photo and I could not bear to go further. I deal with people all the time at work, and I have lots of friends, so I hope I am not totally clueless about people, but her advice, that men whom I think are interested in me, and are friendly and give a 'look' to me, are just not interested, has really upset me. I also mentioned to her that I have been trying out a few new yoga classes while ds is at his grandparents, and she was dismissive, saying that I would never meet a man at something like that. I don't want my whole life to revolve around trying to meet a boyfriend, rather than my own interests and life and ds.

OP posts:
moomina · 24/08/2004 15:34

TAC, don't have time to write much, but just to say, know exactly where you are coming from. Cannot face this dating thing and find it all very harsh and humiliating. FWIW, I think your friend is talking (well-intentioned) bollocks.

Why are married people so obsessed with their single friends getting together with someone? You have my sympathy. ((()))

DelGirl · 24/08/2004 15:40

You have my sympathy too. Whilst we all know how nice it is to have a man's company now and again it's not the be all and end all is it? I know it can be for some and maybe she is one of them. I have 2 friends who cannot bear to be without a man, regardless of what they're like. They'd soooner be with someone than with no-one. Can you tell her you're happy being single until the right one comes along. Usually people will say it will happen when you least expect it, tell her that!

Kayleigh · 24/08/2004 15:41

Your friend sounds like she is on a mission and won't be happy till you are hooked up with a man. I think you need to tell her that you will find someone in your own way and own time. Don't let her push you into something you don't want to do. I have met you and you are lovely and given the right person and right circumstances I am sure you will find a relationship. Please don't get bullied into doing things you aren't comfortable with.

Blu · 24/08/2004 15:42

TurnAgainCat: It sounds as if you have your priorities EXACTLY right, and your common sense in all the right places! Your friend is imposing her views and her obsession on you - is she looking for a little vicarious action, do you think??

Have nothing more to do with her schemes - you are not accountable to her as to whether you follow up tv producers and internet sites - and what can she have been thinking of, suggesting you make a spectacle of yourself on TV!

For whatever reason she is being very insensitive and very unuseful! If you do things like phone tv producers, you'll only encourage her to think she's helping - so learn to say a polite but firm 'no' - it'll be a useful skill when those busy men finally pop their heads up!

motherinferior · 24/08/2004 15:54

She sounds awful; I'm so sorry. I've known lots of men who were hopeless at being single, and several women too - what is their problem, FFS? I also wonder if she's a bit threatened by you - you're a confident, attractive single parent with a good job.

sweetheart · 24/08/2004 16:01

TAC - have you tried telling your friend how she is making you feel.

Perhaps you should suggest that as a Friend her job is to give you what you need most - ie, love, support and a good old chat over a glass of wine

What you don't need is constant bullying to find a male partner when your quite happy how you are thank you very much.

Perhaps she thinks that her opinions are so right that no one should diagree with her.

tammybear · 24/08/2004 16:02

oh dear turnagaincat. I have friends like that who are always trying to get their single friends to find a new bloke. Like everyone else has said, if you're happy and in no rush to find a bloke, just explain it to her. I know this sounds really terrible, but she sounds bored and now has it fixed in her mind that she's going to set you up like kayleigh said.

motherinferior · 24/08/2004 16:03

OR tell her you're not sure it's a boyfriend you need, really, and leer meaningfully at her. That should see her off

Kayleigh · 24/08/2004 16:08

LOL motherinferior

anorak · 24/08/2004 16:13

Tell her to take her oar out. Your personal life is none of her business.

anorak · 24/08/2004 16:14

In fact her attitude sounds enormously patronising to me. It's as if she thinks you can't get a man by yourself, you need her fantastic input to do it. Never mind what you want.

TurnAgainCat · 24/08/2004 16:15

Thanks for cheering me up you all! Motherinferior, you'll laugh, because my friend asked me whether I would consider a female partner! I told her that on a course I did recently I met a very nice woman my Mum's age, we got chatting, she said she'd been a single parent, and I was asking her how long and how she met her new partner, and she told me she was a lesbian and formed a stepfamily with her children and her partner's children, and at the end of the course, she said if I was ever really stuck for a babysitter, I could call her. Somehow my friend managed to turn my story about what nice people I had been meeting recently into another example about how picky I am (viz, only want a male partner )

OP posts:
motherinferior · 24/08/2004 16:39

I used to get hassle like this from friends when I was single, at the point when I'd actually started being just a bit choosy as opposed to a notorious slapper. There is a difference between being Impossible to Please and exercising a small degree of discrimination. As I discovered, rather late in life .

MeanBean · 24/08/2004 16:54

MI, could you kindly talk me through the difference please, as I seem to either be at one end of the spectrum or the other, depending on lifestage!

TAC, why is she so obsessed with you having a partner? What is it about your single life which disturbs her so?

anorak · 24/08/2004 17:06

Oh, motherinferior...you bad girl! I used to be just the same...

TurnAgainCat · 24/08/2004 18:17

I think what is bothering her is that I am open about having an eye out for a man, but am also open to the possibility that I will never meet someone and/or may end up having some more children on my own, which I know I could afford and cope with. Actually, I am very put off the idea of having more children without a man, although I know a happy lesbian family from nursery that did it; however, the idea of another solution (and the other solution of just ds and I living happily ever after by ourselves, or adopting some children) instead of obsessively seeking Mr Right has actually liberated me from being miserable about it, and I have gone out more and been meeting interesting men, without getting crazy that each and every new acquaintance has got to be the one for me, and every word or gesture I make are crucial. I suppose she thinks that if I am serious about meeting someone, I should be trying harder, but I feel that if I try harder it will make me obsessive, crazy, and boring and unattractive. Isn't it fun sometimes, just to notice and appreciate that there really are attractive single men still around? As ds is away, I went to M&S after work, and a man turned his head to watch me, and I suddenly realized that at that time on a weekday, M&S is packed with single men with nice jobs who are too sophisticated to eat a takeaway. I chose a checkout behind a very tall good looking black guy but I could not think of anything to say (he was buying just one meal-for-one and my basket was full of fresh veg and some socks and pants for ds hidden below!), so I just watched him, and after he paid for his food, he kind of hovered around beyond the checkout, looking at a display of vases, before drifting off, and I thought that was funny! If I tell this friend anything like that, she regards it is an opportunity I have wasted, or a sign that I am botching up, rather than just a sign that there are single men around and perhaps something will happen one of these days.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 24/08/2004 18:42

Thing is, TAC, you sound Sane and Balanced. Which is a terribly threatening thing to the rest of us.

And is incidentally a lot more likely to attract a nice bloke as and when one saunters into your life.

Pagan · 24/08/2004 20:08

So many people seem to make it their life mission to have everyone paired off. If you are happy the way you are then sod her. I daresay if she were single she would be unbearable in her quest for a mate. Perhaps you should sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel and perhaps show her this thread.

I am happily married now but was equally happy being single for a while beforehand. This is my second marriage and I'm sure I rushed into the first one just to get folk off my back. I remember every social occasion was like a test ....

as a teenager - "oh not got a boyfriend yet"
you get a boyfriend (for more than 3 months) - "oh you'll be next for wedding bells"

you get engaged - "so when's the big day then"

you get married - "no patter of tiny feet yet?"

IT DOES MY TTS IN. If someone appears happy then folk should mind their own sodding business and worry about their own insecurities.

There!!

Chinchilla · 24/08/2004 21:29

Maybe she is worried that her dh fancies you!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread