Sorting out alternate Christmases?

[Hullabalooo]

Everything arranged up to now with contact has been informal through email as we can't communicate. I'd like to set up a routine with alternate Christmas and New year starting this Christmas onwards.

I'm not sure how to sort this out or what it might look like I.e three days for each or how to work it. This is especially as its my weekend from 21st December this year so it would mean if I went first that I'd have him for a week which is fine by me but means ex wouldn't see dc before Christmas. Any suggestions? Let him have a day on 23rd or something?

I'd like to go away with either dc over Christmas if I have him or go away with friends if not and it's rancorous with ex so I don't want to repeat last year's experience of having to collect him from pissed off ex at midday on Christmas day followed by a rush to drive for a couple of hours to see family.

The way my exH and I arranged it, he always had them on Christmas Eve for the day, they went to Christmas Eve Mass with me and then home for the night, then they spent the day with me always.

They always got two weeks off from school for Christmas, which meant in practice 15 or 16 days. We divided the 15-16 days up, half with me and half with him, with the interruption of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I got the first half of the holiday and he got the second.

The second half always included New Years eve and New Years Day, but I was prepared to sacrifice that in order to make sure they got to sleep in their own beds Christmas Eve and wake up to the familiar fun on Christmas morning, eat decent food all day, and relax. This was important to the DCs and to me.

We had an eow weekend schedule all year, but that got suspended for 'holiday time', meaning Christmas - the holiday half and half schedule superseded the eow arrangement.

• they spent Christmas Day with me always.

I don't think he'll go for me having dc ever Christmas so it would need to be alternates or handovers on the day itself which is what I wish to avoid.

We do this: whoever has the kids the weekend before Christmas has them until after lunch Christmas day. Then the other person keeps them until new year. Then swap back. Well, it's how we did it last year and I've done a rota the same for this year. Court said it was a sensible plan although it's not actually written down that way but instead just "half the school holidays". I hate handing them over but actually, I quite enjoy a lazy boxing day with my boyfriend too!

I think that whatever you propose you need to be comfortable with it if the shoe were on the other foot. At some point it will be his weekend shortly before Christmas. If you go travelling this year over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day do you want next year to be set up so year you don't see DC on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? That's the way I would look at it.

Because of distance, DD has to go to exh for a week at a time, school holidays only. This years it's his turn for xmas so she'll be gone from 22-29th Dec.

This year its my xmas so he is going to refuse to have her over new year. Normally if it's not his Xmas, he will only do something like 27th -30th so it doesn't interfere with his plans. When its his Xmas, it's usually 23rd to 28th ish, depending on end of term.

As it's your weekend before Christmas why not suggest he has them this year and you next?

There might be a difficulty with the 'weekend before' arrangement if Christmas falls on a weekend.

The idea of dividing up Christmas day sounds awful to me I must say. It seems a bit as if the children's pov has been set aside in favour of the parents'.

I agree @Mathanxiety think splitting the day confusing for dc. A friend of mine has horrible memories of waiting on motorway services for miserable handovers on Christmas day.

We have done various versions of alternate christmases.
Whole weeks so this year would be parent 1 21/12 to 28/12 and parent 2 28/12 till return to school.

DD has woken in one home and then gone to the other for the whole day on Christmas Day straight after breakfast.
We have never actually split the day in half though, that just seems very disruptive.
What ever version we have done if she is not with me we have Christmas Day on another day we have the whole meal, presents etc.

I love the fact that everyone just assumes half the day is disruptive. Our kids love it! They get up, have breakfast, presents and lunch with one parent. Then we go for a walk with the dog where they meet other parent. Then go there and have more presents and dinner. It's no different to how we used to do it, only they go to daddy's/mummy's instead of grandparents for tea. That's why we do it this way, because Christmas day we've always gone out so it's normal. When we discussed it with cafcass they thought it was one of the most sensible plans they'd heard. Ultimately it's whatever works for the kids. Ours are still quite young so multiple present options Christmas day is exciting. However, I have no doubt it will change as they get older and want to lounge about late or hang out with friends.

A split christmas day means you will always see your dc at christmas so has its advantages. Where possible I would always go for that. Being without dc at christmas will be really hard for both of you.

That's sort of my point - it should be about what is best for the children, not what makes the parents feel less sad.

A lot of families find it stressful and tiring and very disruptive to all get into the car together and drive to relatives' homes on Christmas Day.

I can't see my EA abusive ex as its too traumatic and upsetting hence not being able to do Christmas day handover. Also family don't live in same place so it would mean dc and I our own at Christmas if we did split day.

We split the 2 weeks as simply as possible. In an ideal year, the parent who has the first weekend of the holiday takes the first week, and the other parent the second, going back to the original parent for the last weekend (as the holidays would have swallowed 2 of their weekends). However, alternate christmases may not fit in with this, so there can be a bit of backwards and forwarding. But the principle is to try and give the children longer chunks with each parent and allow the parent whose Christmas it is the whole 3 days. The children like this too - one year they had changeover on Boxing Day and hated it.

We never spent Christmas Day with our Dad. Christmas was with our Mum and Boxing Day and NY with Dad. Preferred this as I liked the traditions of Christmas Day and knowing what to expect. I could find Christmas Day overwhelming so there being a bit of routine (as in always with the one parent) helped. Boxing Day was always like a second Christmas Day so felt special.

Even as a child I felt it’d be unfair to leave my mum on Christmas Day as it wasn’t her fault the family were not together. Having to do alternate years away from her would have spoilt Christmas for us. Equally, not seeing Dad on a recognised Christmas type day would have been horrible too!

Sometimes what is ‘fair’ for the adults wouldn’t be right for the children. I’m glad we were asked!

We do the split Xmas Day too. Ex picks them up about 3pm and they stretch Xmas Day into Boxing Day too.

My kids want to see both parents on Xmas Day so it works great for us. Ex is happy to drive here so no waiting half way in the cold.

We do the following and alternate every year but it always kicks off with the family office party at father's business.

Friday 21st - to father's for office work party
20th - going with me abroad for Christmas until 28th.
29th - to her father's until 3rd January
Then school again!

Next year will be

Office party on 20th
At her father's until 27th
And then I get her back until school starts.

She gets a Christmas and a Christmas like New Year's celebration every year. And we have enough time to make proper plans for what we want to do, go abroad, have a grown up New Years every other year etc...

PinkAvocado I agree with everything you have so eloquently said.

My DCs loved having all of Christmas Day at home with me. We had (and still have) our routines and Christmas meals though they are now nearly all away from home.

They were with their father on Christmas Eve until 6pm and again for New Years Eve and New Years Day as those holidays fell within exH's second half of the Christmas holiday. This became their normal routine and it meant their Christmas memories are constant.

It was always just me with the DCs, and we got along just fine - everyone wore pajamas most of the day, I cooked, we watched Christmas movies (I always bought a VHS or DVD or two for Christmas), played with new toys and games, nibbled treats, iced gingerbread cookies, phoned my mum and my sister (in another country), sometimes we went for an afternoon walk..
It really never felt as if we were stuck or isolated or on our own. It was a nice, cozy, family day.

(exH was and still is an abusive man, very 'difficult'. Originally, the plan was for us all to attend Christmas Eve Mass together at 6pm but he unilaterally decided to just dump the kids in the church the first year of the visitation arrangement, and leave without telling anyone if he was off to park the car or gone for good, or what. I arrived at the church, found the DCs' pew and sat with them. We saved a spot for exH even though the church was heaving. A couple of minutes before Mass was to start I texted him but got no reply. We returned home after it was over to find their stuff sitting outside the front door - presents from him and his side of the family with a light coating of snow on top. The DCs were quite upset about that whole experience. The following year I offered to pick them all up in time for Mass and exH extended an invitation to me to do a Christmas Even open house at his place, but this cut into my prep for Christmas time, and he was annoyed when I looked at my watch and said it was time to go (again, upsetting for the children) - we barely made it to the church in time - so the following year I declined the invitation and just picked them up.)

Thanks . It's really hard to work it out. I'm steeling myself to contact him about it but still can't quite work out a plan. 3 days over Christmas then three days over new year alternating with me doing any extra? Bearing in mind I want dc to go as little as possible really given the EA nature of ex and what gets said when there.