Do I have to take my child to him?

[BeanJen]

Sorry long post!
Any advice from people who have been through similar or know more on the subject than me would be most appreciated:
My husband has told me he plans to focus on himself and he would like to take a step back from me and our 1yr DD.
Aside from the sadness and incredulity that I'm feeling right now I'm worried about what he expects from child access.
The problem is he lives in London and we live in Hull. He has been working three days a week down south and living with us four, commuting each weekend.
Obviously I plan to stay up north near my family and friends as I definitely need my support network now more than ever, but he is expecting me to take her down to his mum's (a 3hr drive) every other weekend and he would come up to us every other weekend.
I guess my basic question is what rights does he have? What is he entitled to contact-wise if he's not living nearby? I don't see how he can force me to do that journey twice a month, and also, why he would think he can stay at our house when we're not together. In the short term this would be fine but he's clearly planning on having the single life during the week and expecting me to be around every single weekend to give him access to his child.
This is more difficult because at the moment I'm a stay-at-home mum and through his guilt and desire to control us he is offering to keep us that way. I he is a wealthy man though and I've yet to find out what we would be entitled to child-support wise. Also he's not capable of having DD on his own so I assume he still wants me around when he has her. I'm thinking of offering to do the journey every three weeks and telling him he will have to find alternative accommodation when he comes up after we have properly divorced. Does this sound fair? I'm really worried about it all.

You don't have to do anything. He wants to take a step back from you, let him. If he wants to see you, he comes to you.

If the man lives with you four days a week, isn't that sufficient access?
If he wants your child to go to his mums', he should do it, not you.

He sounds very controlling, is making unreasonable demands and if there is any way you can extricate yourself from this non-relationship in the future, grab the opportunity. Then you can negotiate reasonable access and have a life of your own.

Good luck.

Quite honestly, you need legal advice. The CAB is a good place to start regarding what benefits, tax credits, housing, etc, you'll be able to access after you split and for recommendations of solicitors in your area that specialise in family law.

As for 'his rights', it's your DD who has rights and she has a right to have a relationship with her dad, but in the absence of legally mandated access it's up to you and your ex to come to an agreement on how/when/where he sees her. If the two of you can agree that amicably then you'll save yourselves some money, but your ex also needs to agree to pay child maintenance and help to provide a roof over his DC's head and if he's not prepared to do that then you'll need to go down the legal route.

He can demand all he likes. Until a judge orders you to do something to facilitate contact tell him to get stuffed.
He isn't putting your dd first, not in he best interests to be dragged around whenever he decides he is up to being a df.

Okay going to be devil's advocate

1. Why isn't he capable. Is he deemed a risk
2. If not reasonable standards would be you meet half way
3. If the split is perminant and he isn't contributing sort cms and benefits out. Your child is old enough to go to a childminders. Try and ease yourself back into work. It'll keep you sane believe me.

Devils advocate again.
Regardless of what he has done.
Your child is legally entitled to time with both parents. You should be seen as teying to do this. If you don't it won't be looked on in good light. A judge won't take kindly to he did she did they did like children argueing in court

You shouldn't have to commit to a frequent long drive to facilitate access. That's a huge amount of driving. It might be reasonable to agree to do it once every 6 weeks for example.

You are a free and valid individual. He does not get to control you.

As pp say, your dd has the right to a relationship with her father but if he is pulling back and wanting to put less effort in there is no obligation on you to ramp up your efforts to maintain their contact with each other. You have every right to live your life without reference to him, and to have plenty of free weekends with your DD and without your ex as you have a eight to a private family life and your ex is no longer family to you. DD and ex are family to each other but that's not down to you to facilitate on his behalf.

Agree get legal advice . I would never give access every weekend as when dc goes to school you need quality time with dc.
I would also be looking back into going to work. It gives him less control and gets your career back on plan.

If he is wealthy he can pay for elsewhere to stay . He doesn’t get to step back but still control you . The big question is why is he not capable . If it’s he doesn’t know how to change a nappy he will learn fast

Tell him he can come to you every other weekend BUT must find alternative accommodation.

If he would like his mother to be involved then you would be willing to do half the drive and meet either him or his mother half way for hand over.

Don't let him monopolise every single weekend. Alternative weekends only otherwise he can argue in court for weekly contact to continue.

Return to work and gain some independence back

Start making plans to be able to support you and your dc. You need to ensure you aren't indebted to him, he sounds like the kind of person who will make child support a condition of unreasonable demands - it takes a long time to get support through the courts. Meanwhile I suggest mediation to discuss what you both want, and what you both bring to the table - he does sound confused as to what he wants, cake and eat it springs to mind!