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Original poster

How to explain to son about needing my new partner around

41 replies

backfromseoul · 19/09/2018 12:08

Okay, quick mid-morning laundry break to see if anyone on mumsnet can help me get my head straight on this...

DS11 officially lives with me half the time but has been spending about two-thirds of nights with me recently due to my ex having better things to do apparently, and both him and me prefer it when he's here anyway so that's fine.

I met my new partner 17 months ago but she first met DS only a couple of months ago — we engineered it so she popped in to collect something while he was there. Since then she's visited one evening and is coming again tonight. In the last few months we've only been able to spend nights together when DS is at my ex's, which is really starting to put a strain on the relationship.

DS however isn't feeling great about these initial meetings, even though they were very pleasant. He's produced a mood chart at counselling with comments like "being rushed, not feeling like I can object" and "feeling awkward when meeting [partner's name]".

I tried to produce my own mood chart to help him understand why I'm putting him through this, but looking at it it doesn't make sense because I've missed the most important thing off: I've been with my new partner 17 months, we're well past that "moving in together" stage, and I need to see her more or I'm worried our relationship will fall apart. I don't know how to express this to DS. He's still in shock after the Y7 RS homework said there was no Father Christmas.

Not sure how well I've explained myself, but does anyone have any tips on how to handle this? My new partner's opinion is always along the lines of "what's an 11 year old doing objecting to anything?" etc, but I've always been so close to him and I want him to understand, and not feel stressed and uncertain about the future.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/09/2018 08:52

I'm no troll OP and I was the first to point out that your use of the mood chart was manipulative. You took a therapeutic intervention designed to help your DS to identify and communicate his feelings and used it dishonestly to guilt trip him into accepting your new girlfriend as a regular part of his life, completely disregarding his what he is telling you.

HesterMacaulay · 20/09/2018 08:53

Your ds is already in counselling so must already be finding some aspects of life difficult.
As part of that process he was able to express his feelings about the impact your relationship is having on him.
For you to react by saying I need him to understand my feelings, suggests that you think that your feelings are more important than his. Which is why people have reacted strongly.
Your ds has just met your dp. The length of time you have been together is irrelevant to him.
I see no evidence of trolls on here. Just posters concerned that you are really not trying to understand your vulnerable ds.
It reads as if you are more concerned about the feelings and reactions of your dp who, from what you have posted, does seem to care about your ds at all.

HesterMacaulay · 20/09/2018 09:02

does not seem to care about your ds at all

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 09:09

Grow up, be an adult and put your DS first. You don't need your girlfriend there and her comments about your child are shocking. What Hodge said.

CountessVonBoobs · 20/09/2018 09:12

Making your own mood chart and showing it to your son was manipulative as hell, I'm sorry. You hijacked his therapeutic tool and used it to put yourself on the same level as him, in fact to trump him.

Why did you do that? I think you really need to think about that. You acted like a child yourself. Why are you so scared of your new partner?

Quartz2208 · 20/09/2018 09:20

OP you are trying to get him to put your and your partners needs ahead of his by using emotional terms. No we don’t know much about your parenting but that example is pure manipulation

17 months is quick for any relationship but one that has a vulnerable child it’s far too quick

If your partner can’t wait then she is not the one for you

Your sons belief he is being rushed is correct you are rushing him. Slow it down if it’s meant to be taking everything slowly wont cause it to break up. If it does then it wasn’t that strong in the first place

SinkGirl · 20/09/2018 09:21

OP, my mum and step dad got divorced just before I left for university but my half brother was only 11.

My mum frequently put her relationship needs before his, threatened to move across the country for one boyfriend and leave him behind with his father, etc. He was very distressed and his behaviour gradually got worse until she kicked him out at 17 when he got into a physical fight with her husband.

Their relationship never recovered. She passed away when he was 26 and they had partially reconciled then, but they never had a good relationship again.

How you handle this now could affect your relationship for literally the rest of your and his lives. You might be well advanced into your relationship but he has only just met this person and is obviously struggling. He needs time. I commend you for waiting to introduce them, that’s the right thing to do, but doesn’t mean you can rush this part which is just as crucial.

Are you male or female? I’m just wondering whether there’s also an element of surprise / shock at a same sex relationship, but suspect that’s not the case.

LeftRightCentre · 20/09/2018 09:25

It's astonishing that an adult and parent would mimic their own child's therapy tool to demonstrate why they need a girlfriend/boyfriend to spend the night at theirs.

BirdieInTheHand · 20/09/2018 09:29

The use of your own mood chart is extremely manipulative. The fact that you cannot see that is a concern.

RaspberryBeret34 · 20/09/2018 09:48

I think you need to step back from trying to push things forward with your partner. Then let your DS know that you will always be there for him and he is your priority and he doesn't need to do things with your partner. That he can take all the time he needs and you fully respect his views on it. Let him know he has some control in his life. From that place, in a little while (like 6 months to a year), you could gently suggest (not tell!) doing some fun low key things with your partner eg cinema etc.

I think you also need a really frank conversation with your partner and ask her to understand that it may take some time before things can move forward and it needs to be done sensitively and slowly for your son. Let her know that you understand if it is a dealbreaker for her. I'd also be very wary of anyone who saw my child as someone who shouldn't be able to have their opinion heard and respected on something that will massively change his life. We aren't talking about a 4 year old who wants to eat ice cream for breakfast, this is a huge thing for him at an age where he's old enough to understand what having a partner means and the potential changes her involvement in his life would make.

I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and we aren't planning to move in any time soon, mainly due to logistics. I could move myself and DS to him but it would be far too much upheaval for DS so we just have to make the best of it for now.

Butterymuffin · 20/09/2018 09:55

Your relationship will have to wait. If it's right for you then it will be there a bit further down the line. Your son needs to be the priority right now.

iMatter · 20/09/2018 10:16

The definition of a troll is NOT someone who disagrees with you 🙄

You are being manipulative

And your partner sounds seriously lacking in empathy

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/09/2018 11:45

Not a troll, but like many on this thread a parent who has picked up the broken child and stuck them back together again as a result of the other parent rushing them into a new family and also making the child responsible for the parents happiness.
I have a new relationship something I only introduced to my child once they were no longer emotionally vulnerable. Every step of the way we have made sure that my D.C. is happy and comfortable and my DPs primary concern at all times is that DC is happy.

Listen to people who have walked this path before. Due to the other parent's action my DC has chosen ( they are a teenager) to no longer see them.

rainingcatsanddog · 20/09/2018 12:18

Your partner is clearly incompatible with your son.

You have 2 days a week (which is more than most parents) and your partner needs to accept she can't be your main priority right now.

Please don't move your partner in. Your son has explicitly said that he feels awkward and obliged to be polite.

NerrSnerr · 20/09/2018 12:29

17 months is not past the moving in stage even when there isn't any children involved. No wonder so many relationships fail when people are in such a hurry.

I echo what pp said, showing him your mood chart was manipulative as hell. Put your child first,

YeTalkShiteHen · 20/09/2018 13:01

Haven’t checked back in, so I’d missed the troll comment.

Seriously OP? You have a nerve calling anyone else names when you’re the one putting your relationship over your child.

When I met DP introducing him to DS1 was the most important part. I told him straight, if it doesn’t work with you and DS1 it stops here. I meant it too. Because he’s decent he agreed, and we said the same when it was time to meet his DSDs. Because the kids needs and feelings have got to be considered.

Put your boy first. No fucker else is, and neither are you at the moment.

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