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Original poster

How to explain to son about needing my new partner around

41 replies

backfromseoul · 19/09/2018 12:08

Okay, quick mid-morning laundry break to see if anyone on mumsnet can help me get my head straight on this...

DS11 officially lives with me half the time but has been spending about two-thirds of nights with me recently due to my ex having better things to do apparently, and both him and me prefer it when he's here anyway so that's fine.

I met my new partner 17 months ago but she first met DS only a couple of months ago — we engineered it so she popped in to collect something while he was there. Since then she's visited one evening and is coming again tonight. In the last few months we've only been able to spend nights together when DS is at my ex's, which is really starting to put a strain on the relationship.

DS however isn't feeling great about these initial meetings, even though they were very pleasant. He's produced a mood chart at counselling with comments like "being rushed, not feeling like I can object" and "feeling awkward when meeting [partner's name]".

I tried to produce my own mood chart to help him understand why I'm putting him through this, but looking at it it doesn't make sense because I've missed the most important thing off: I've been with my new partner 17 months, we're well past that "moving in together" stage, and I need to see her more or I'm worried our relationship will fall apart. I don't know how to express this to DS. He's still in shock after the Y7 RS homework said there was no Father Christmas.

Not sure how well I've explained myself, but does anyone have any tips on how to handle this? My new partner's opinion is always along the lines of "what's an 11 year old doing objecting to anything?" etc, but I've always been so close to him and I want him to understand, and not feel stressed and uncertain about the future.

OP posts:
nellly · 19/09/2018 13:02

Your son and partner just may not be compatible. Especially if she doesn't understand why you're putting his needs first. It sounds like there's more going on if he's in counselling. He may just not be ready, don't forget he's only known her 12 weeks not 17 months

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/09/2018 13:16

She can stay with you at least 2 nights out of 7. How much more do you need to have her around? Has she threatened to leave you?

On another note, I think you making a mood chart because your DS made one in his counselling sessions is a bit off and comes across as manipulative OP. As Nelly said your DS has only known this woman for and few weeks. He needs time to get to know her as well as time to complete his counselling. Pushing her presence on him will be counter productive to him responding positively.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/09/2018 13:17

I've been with my new partner 17 months, we're well past that "moving in together" stage

Er, no you’re not. Not when there’s a child involved. Relationships with kids are not like they were before kids. You should be waiting for your child and your partner to slowly get to know each other over the course of years before you even consider that.

My new partner's opinion is always along the lines of "what's an 11 year old doing objecting to anything?

Your new partner sounds awful. How dare they say that about your child? They are already interfering in your relationship and driving a wedge between you. They have no respect for your child. Is this really someone you should be bringing into your home?

Your child has told you how they feel. You need to listen to them. You have plenty of time to spend with your partner while your child is not there. If they aren’t willing to respect your relationship with your child then they are the wrong person for you. If you feel you need to jeopardise your relationship with your child to keep them then they need to go.

Applesandoranges1 · 19/09/2018 13:25

Your new partner should be supportive of the fact that you have a DS and he comes first. The poor boy, first of all feeling pushed away by your ex for "having more important things to do" and now by you by forcing your new partner into the mix when he isn't ready.
Don't get me wrong I understand that you have a life to live and a relationship to nurture but by producing a mood chart showing your DS that you feel "sad" is only going to make him feel guilty. See your DP when your DS is at your ex's. It's early days for your DS and your DP they both need time to get used to the new situation.

wannabestressfree · 19/09/2018 13:30

I have been with my partner eight years and sometimes we only see each other once a week and no staying over. I am of the opinion that the children will be soon grown up and gone and then we can have 'our' time. His children live with him as well but are adults. It works for all of us and that's what's important.

As a teacher I see a lot of people rushing or feeling like they have to so new partners are placated. Moving in quick, new children, children feeling left out, lack of time with parents, bad feeling etc. You have to do what's right for your son.

Original poster
backfromseoul · 19/09/2018 14:27

Many thanks wannabestressfree, think that’s what I needed to hear.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 19/09/2018 18:00

You need to tread very cautiously with a preteen in particular seeming to make them responsible for your happiness ( mood board saying it makes you sad). Your DS sounds very vulnerable in so many ways and very young for his age. Preteens are just at the point of their brain starting to 'rewire' itself, they are a mass of hormones and emotions.
Your partner needs to realise that no matter how much you love them you are a parent before anything else and that as a parent you have to put your child's welfare first. If they can't appreciate this they are maybe not the right person for you.

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/09/2018 18:03

He's produced a mood chart at counselling with comments like "being rushed, not feeling like I can object" and "feeling awkward when meeting [partner's name]".

This is the most important part of your whole OP.

If your partner isn’t up for you putting your child’s needs first, until he’s comfortable with her, then she shouldn’t be your partner.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 19/09/2018 18:05

Your priority is your son. He is still a kid and has no control over his world at the moment. If he was upset by Santa (has there also been a divorce recently too?) and I'm assuming a family breakup and all that upheaval, then he just needs his home life to be predictable and stable (and even a little boring). It's tough being 11!

Your other half should understand this.

ClickHip · 19/09/2018 18:21

Partner and I together nearly 4 years before moving in together. I've 2 ds. He's got 1 ds. We all live together now.

Both our priorities are our children. We love each other very much and have a very trusting respectful relationship. We made sure that the 3 ds were ok with our relatio ship and spent a lot of time meeting up, doing a fun things all together then going to our respective homes. In our view, by dp and I being together, there was actually 5 of us (3ds) that needed to develop friendships /relationships. It was not just about the 2 of us.

Anyone that cares for you should understand that the child will be going at a different pace and should allow time commitment and support for That, otherwise how can the relationships be healthy in the long term?

Hope it all works out for you.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/09/2018 18:25

It isn't your 11 year old child's responsibility to stop your relationship from falling apart.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 19/09/2018 18:44

My mum needed to not be alone more than she needed to listen to Me and my brother and just moved her new partner in. It was awful and our relationship has never fully recovered from the way it was made quite apparent that we were less important.

If your son is saying he needs you to just be you please listen. To at his pace not the pace you decide he should be happy with. And please please be ready to Walk away if your partner doesn't 'get' it

pallisers · 19/09/2018 19:14

My new partner's opinion is always along the lines of "what's an 11 year old doing objecting to anything?

I presume your new partner doesn't have children. She needs a real change of attitude/educating herself if your relationship is to flourish because this is really dismissive of his feelings. You need to listen to your son and not burden him with your needs and moods right now. And you need to explain to your partner that your son is the most important person in your life and his opinions and needs are important to you.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 19/09/2018 19:18

Or doesn't sound like he would be objecting for the hell if it. He's 11 and needs his mum and a stable home life - if he has already staying at 2 homes (not a bad thing, it's just a thing) then he has disruption on his life.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 19/09/2018 22:16

My kids are 13 and 11. Their mum moved in a bloke they barely knew after they'd met him just a couple of times . They didn't say much at the time, but they've subsequently told me that this really upset them. They wanted time with their Mum - not to be prioritised below her new relationship. She was putting her own needs ahead of theirs (she has some mental health issues, that mean she really struggles being alone). They did NOT want him to be that big a part of their lives so quickly, but she was more interested in telling them why it was right for her, than listening to them. I promise you - that hurt them, and they aren't going to forget it in a hurry.

Your kids needs come first. It's not as though you can't have a relationship - you're seeing your partner a couple of times a week. But your kids are not at the same stage you are, and it's not okay to emotionally blackmail them by producing your own mood board to show them how important this is for you! That's a major red flag on your part. And your partner's response is another one.

Back up. Put your kids first. If this isnthe great love affair that you think it is, then it will last while your kids take the time they need to adjust. If it isn't - well, you saved all of you a lot of heartbreak.

And don't ever pull that manipulation stuff on your kids again.

Original poster
backfromseoul · 20/09/2018 08:11

And don't ever pull that manipulation stuff on your kids again.

Ugh. I have not done anything whatsoever in that regard and you know nothing at all about my parenting. I have ignored most of the trolls on this thread but your behaviour is absolutely grotesque.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 20/09/2018 08:28

People pointing these things out are not trolls.

His parents have split up
He is in counseling
His dad is losing interest
You are showing him mind maps of your feelings
You are expecting him to be responsible for making your relationship work

He is just a child, he doesn't sound very happy and has obviously been through a tough time. You need to put his needs first.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 20/09/2018 08:31

@backfromseoul what trolls. Or do you mean the people who are telling you something you don't want to hear?

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 08:32

New partner needs to go.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 08:33

And please tell me you didn't show him your "mood chart".

Jenala · 20/09/2018 08:35

You be been with her 17 months so you know her well and feel your relationship is at a certain stage. Your son has met her a few times over the last 2 months. His perspective is you want this person suddenly here all the time when he barely knows her. You must be able to see that? He may know that you've known her longer but for him she is a stranger. Perhaps you should have let him get to know her a little bit soon (say after a year or 8 months something). You didn't, for good reasons I'm sure, but it means you now have to give your son the time to get to know her that you've already had.

Jenala · 20/09/2018 08:37

And if your partner feels your 11 year old's opinion shouldn't be considered etc then she doesn't sound like a great person. And he is probably picking up on that tbh.

Don't stick with her at your sons expense because you're afraid of being alone.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 20/09/2018 08:39

Your child’s needs come first. That’s all.

He’s had his world turned upside down. You yourself say his DM has ‘better things to do’ so he’s probably feeling rejected by her. He probably feels he’s getting in the way of you and your DP. Poor child. That’s all before he’s got his own new school/friends/puberty shit going on. He’s seeing a counsellor. You shouldn’t need to be told by strangers on the internet to put your child first.

Your DP sounds like she has no compassion for him. He’ll pick this up.

So all the significant adults in his life are putting his needs above their own.

I’m speaking as someone who has gone through divorce, met a new partner 4 years ago and we aren’t even close to the ‘moving in stage’. My youngest is 11. Luckily he understands how being with someone with children works and what it means.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 20/09/2018 08:40

“So all the significant adults in his life aren’t putting his needs above their own”.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/09/2018 08:41

What is with people who place new partners and relationships over their young children?
Your son has made it very clear he’s not ready for this and your partner has made it very clear that they don’t care about your son’s feelings. That really should tell you everything you need to know.