Not letting father to birth ?

[Sideofthelake]

Approaching the birth of my baby
The father left when I was 26 weeks pregnant- no warning just said he’s been unhappy and left, I have a child to someone else who adored this babies father and he didn’t say bye to him either
Since then I’ve had no help buying or preparing anything and no texts asking how we are unless I initiate it ( we are having growth scans every week as baby is measuring very small and likely to come early !)

I am having an ELCS
Is it ridiculous to not tell him when? Obviously he is welcome to see baby at the house when I’m home but I know from experience how wiped I was after my first section
I don’t want him thinking it’s his ‘ right ‘ to be there- I did give him the option of us getting on good terms before baby came so he could come into my section and stay here on paternity but nothing materialised

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there- but I don’t want that stress when I’m in hospital so I really wanted other people’s opinions on what they would do!

Also.. if he did try to come and I decided I didn’t want him there- would the hospital stop him?

I was in this situation 3 years ago.

I didn’t allow my ex to be there, he’d recently walked out on us and I said I needed someone there I could trust and sadly he was no longer that person.

I didn’t want him visiting and told them hospital staff this and the my obeyed my wishes/rights.

You are more than within your rights to not allow him there. It is your body and you are the one having the major operation.

Stay strong x

No child birth is not his right to be there. You should have someone who is there for you, and possibly need to advocate for you.

I would avoid telling him any date . Will also remove the stress of worrying if he will turn up

You need to feel as secure and relaxed as possible. His presence would hinder that so don't tell him. Its not his right to be there.

Don’t have him there if you won’t feel relaxed and happy doing so.

Only have someone at delivery who will be a support to you OP. Don't feel bad for him missing the delivery.

I have a 6 month old baby, myself and his dad also split up when I was pregnant, I too never had any communication from him to ask how the baby was or how I was while I was pregnant until near my due date, EXP was at the birth however he was not supportive, constantly on his phone (texting his now gf) this is such a special moment for you and your child if you feel that having him there would ruin that special moment, don’t have him there, if you don’t feel like he would be supportive don’t have him there. I would tell him when the day your due to have an ELCS but make it clear to him that he won’t be present for the birth and he can visit either when your back at home or if you’ve got to stay in hospital the day in which he visit the hospital, I hope everything goes well for you

Thankyou so much for the replies!

@woznian1992 do you mind if I ask what happened post birth/ where you are now with visitation? Did the father come visit baby in your home if so how often? Sorry if this is personal I’m just really panicking about how it’ll all work out !

Father visited Baby at my house for about 2 weeks post birth, he would come for about an hour a day (his choice, he could have stayed longer if he wanted to) we didn’t really communicate much when he was at my house I got on with the jobs I needed to do around the house and just generally tried to stay out of his way, after a couple of weeks we had a fall out and things were said etc so I then made it clear he wasn’t welcome around my house any longer so he would take our son out for a few hours at the weekend. When our son was about 6 weeks old he began having him overnight 1 night a week my EXP has two other children so I know my child is well looked after when he is with dad, it also gives me a little break to do some jobs around the house which don’t get done during the week or meet up with friends.
I didn’t really plan how it would work out it’s just sort of worked out this way, it hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns neither. is your EXP reasonable? Able to compromise? These will play a huge factor in your parenting relationship.

@woznian1992 hmm I’m unsure if he’s reasonable. He already expects that he will be coming round everyday once she’s here but I really don’t think that would work for me. I probably would appreciate the help but I think I’d rather not have him here everyday !
And we bickered already cause I said I doubt the baby will stop at his till 5/6 months old ! But it is his first child and I am planning to breast feed!

If you breast feed then 5/6 months is very early.
They do recommend little and often for babies .

I would try and avoid planning too far ahead . Avoid the stress you don’t need now . When he comes use the time to have a bath spend some time with Ds if he is there . Have a rest . It is visitation to his dc not you.

I planned to breastfeed however it didn’t work out so only breastfeed my son for a couple of weeks, in the beginning I didn’t like the idea of having EXP there everyday however it was a god send as I could do all the jobs around the house and have a bath in peace knowing that my LB was being looked after. It’s whatever your comfortable with but that 1 hour a day was a god send, if the baby is his 1st child you need to see how he is with the baby, how well he responds to his needs before you can make a decision about overnight stays, I would perhaps give him a time each day or every other day when he can come round, it sounds like he wants to be really hands on which is a good thing but if you two don’t get on having arguments and bad feeling around your Baby isn’t good thing for anyone

If you dont want him at the birth, dont tell him you are there

You posted this yesterday didn’t you? It’s still running in AIBU with pages of replies

ExH was at the birth but only because I laboured so fast I didn’t have time to kick him out of the room, the fucker just randomly turned up (he’d been logging into my FB unbeknown to me which is how he knew - after 10 weeks of ignoring me/solicitors letters etc)

He came to my house every day for about 7 weeks. Then started making demands. Bare in mind he was an abusive tosser and alcoholic who left me on the bones of my arse during a difficult pregnancy, ghosted me at 30 weeks, didn’t see him again till labour. He was also sofa surfing and job less.

So obviously I wouldn’t let him take our newborn unsupervised, as advised by HV, MW and Womens Aid.

He used that as an excuse to tell people I was difficult and wouldn’t let him see our baby.

3 years later not a peep from him, thank fuck.

Yanbu. Don't tell him. Tell him once little one is born and you feel comfortable having him visit. You've given him a chance and he blew it.