Can I have your opinions please...re finances

[Whatshouldmynamebe321]

Hi would really appreciate people's opinions of my situation.

I split with father of my 4 children 5 years ago. We have a 50/50 arrangement which works well. Ex was very bitter at the end but generally now we are amicable. I bought him out of our joint property and he went to live with his parent. Because of this he verbally agreed at the time that I could continue receiving tax credits and child benefit as I have a mortgage to pay.

I have always worked also. He did agree that when there were 'big' spends he would help....such as £500 residentials to pay for.

He has kept to this agreement intermittently up until the last year. Discussing money is always difficult and results in him shouting and accusing me of being greedy.

So this summer I have had a second start secondary...meaning £1000 spent on bus pass, laptop plus school uniform etc. He agreed to help out but hasn't and is refusing now.

The question to you guys is who is in the right? Am I right to want to push him for some contribution or Not?

For the record he doesn't pay for anything, no clothes haircuts very rarely spends a penny on them.

I'm in no way well off...I just spend carefully and wisely to meet our needs with never much leftover in a month.

If he has the children 50% of the time and you get the tax credits and child benefit then I think you should pay for most day to day things. Those tax credits and child benefit are meant to be towards costs for whole week.

Big things like the residential, laptop etc he should pay towards but a lower percentage than you pay.

Another way to do it would be to split the tax credits/child benefit and split everything 50/50.

Anne I did give him his equity from the property.

I've never demanded specific amounts from him. Would just be grateful for something. You're right I feel its unfair hence my asking the question here as it is sometimes difficult to desperate rational thinking from bitter angry feelings.

Generally it's all good...just once in a while I scratch my head and ask how can he not occasionally treat them to something! He has two expensive cars he is forever spending money on.

I would split tax credits except he wouldn't be entitled to them because of his earnings so doesn't really work in anyones favour.

Anyway....thank you for letting me vent I shall Do my best to bury any expectation from him as I have done for the last few years.

You can’t afford to pay a child apprentice wage for a week of volunteering. Who suggested that?

Maybe the Child Benefit and tax credit should be put into an account. Every time the children need a "big expense" the money in that account pays for it, with the extra being met 50 50 between you two.

In an ideal world he should have sorted laptop and you uniform. Well, in an ideal world the school wouldnt be twats and demanding laptops but never mind.

Lesson learnt.

Broken ankle...it was a way of her 'earning' some pocket money. Something we both agreed and he said he would give me half off but is now refusing.

And yes Anne ideal never happens does it...I just reached my moan mode about it...thanks for listening

Oh these threads drive me crackers.

Ex earns enough not to be eligible to not get wtc but it is ok for him to not contribute to his dc , uniforms , bus pass instead we shall debate if op could of got it cheaper.

Have you considered asking to set up an account which you both pay in an agreed amount for trips , uniform , clubs etc

Oh thank you starlight! Comforting to know that I'm not going crackers!

Yes that was the plan when he was paying her the 30 a month. He suggested it...to go straight into their bank accounts so he didn't feel he was funding me. Sadly it stopped.

But thank you for appreciating the point rather than critiquing my spending.

So you split the care 50/50, but you cover the cost of pretty much everything? Of course that’s not fair!

The issue isn’t how much you spend on your kids it’s that he contributes nothing.

I can’t see how you can make him pay though. It sucks.

OP, I completely get where you're coming from.

I have a 50/50 arrangement for my two girls. I'm a higher earner, and in the divorce I gave ex every penny of the equity that had built up over the whole course of the marriage, so that she could buy a house virtually mortgage free. I stayed in the FMH to give the kids stability, but as a result have a huge mortgage.

Technically, no maintenance is payable - but I pay some anyway, because I earn more. I pay for all of the school uniforms, school trips, and other major expenditure. I just paid out over £300 on uniform for the new school year, with my youngest starting secondary and my eldest needing quite a few new bits of uniform. I've just paid £350 for a WWI battlefields school trip for my eldest. My ex pays not a damn thing to any of these costs. She gets the child benefit and tax credits, but all she really has to pay for are some clothing costs for her house, and food & utility costs.

Despite that, she is constantly complaining to the kids that she doesn't have enough money. They've come to me and told me about how she refuses to buy them stuff for school because she has no money, and then immediately goes and buys herself another pair of shoes.

She's remarried, and so has a second income in the household. The kids and I do have a comfortable lifestyle - a nice home, good holidays, days out etc. But I work my ass off to provide that - I have a demanding job, that I manage to balance with being there for the kids, and I've even taken to renting the spare room out on AirBnB when the kids aren't with me to make a bit of extra cash. Every penny I have goes on providing opportunities and experiences for the kids that I never had when I was a child.

Meanwhile, my ex just complains and expects to be kept without having to make any effort herself. Recently, she's even started refusing to give them enough money for their school lunches on the days they're with her, and telling them to get the extra from me.

So I get why you're annoyed. But I look at it this way - everything I'm doing, I'm doing for my kids. I could get angry. I could play rougher, and cut what I pay her. Or I could make more of a fuss about her contributing. But I don't. Because all that would do is cause problems - I don't want the girls worrying about money tensions between their parents, and being scared to ask for things that they need because of the problems that could cause. I'd rather just suck it up, and pay. Because it's best for them.

So that's my advice to you. By all means, ask for contributions to stuff. But if he isnt co-operating, don't escalate it to a point where the kids become aware and start second guessing whether they should mention that next school trip, or the stuff they need.

Hi single dad. Thanks for your post.

Yes I completely agree starting a battle does nothing for anyone and I do hold my head up and know I'm being a good role model to my children and giving them the best I can.

My ex also tells the children he can't afford to do this and that and how he can't have a house because mummy through him out. (Ommitting the facts ...he had an affair and I gave him all his equity)

I just have faith when they're adults and understand the world it will all come clear to them.

In the words of mazdazzle it sucks 😉

Single dad and op.

I do completely believe kids do eventually work it out even if it takes till they have there own kids.

The hardest is watching the children suffer from what should be sorted