Can I have your opinions please...re finances

[Whatshouldmynamebe321]

Hi would really appreciate people's opinions of my situation.

I split with father of my 4 children 5 years ago. We have a 50/50 arrangement which works well. Ex was very bitter at the end but generally now we are amicable. I bought him out of our joint property and he went to live with his parent. Because of this he verbally agreed at the time that I could continue receiving tax credits and child benefit as I have a mortgage to pay.

I have always worked also. He did agree that when there were 'big' spends he would help....such as £500 residentials to pay for.

He has kept to this agreement intermittently up until the last year. Discussing money is always difficult and results in him shouting and accusing me of being greedy.

So this summer I have had a second start secondary...meaning £1000 spent on bus pass, laptop plus school uniform etc. He agreed to help out but hasn't and is refusing now.

The question to you guys is who is in the right? Am I right to want to push him for some contribution or Not?

For the record he doesn't pay for anything, no clothes haircuts very rarely spends a penny on them.

I'm in no way well off...I just spend carefully and wisely to meet our needs with never much leftover in a month.

I think if there's no maintenance because it's shared care it's not fair for all costs like school uniform etc to fall to you.

Did you consult him about costs? Laptop?

I didn’t pay half a laptop for my DD when my ex decided to buy her one because in my opinion the one he bought was ridiculously expensive and I wasn’t prepared to spend that much.

why did starting secondary school cost £1000?. I would certainly have an issue with being asked to pay half of this.

School uniform -maybe £300 tops even an expensive uniform.

Bus pass - does it have to be bought in a year chunk?

If there’s no maintenance then all extra costs- uniform, trips etc should be totted up, knock off the child benefit and split the rest equally.
Why has he changed tack? Is he saving for a deposit or is there a new partner?

It doesn't cost £1000 to start secondary school. Even our pricy grammar uniforms come in at £300. I bought a HP laptop for DD from curries for £150. Basic phone and the rest of the kit - £100. She could have comfortably started school for half of the £1k you spent.

Yanbu. He should contribute something. Can you ask him to clarify what he WILL contribute to?

such as £500 residentials to pay for. this too, why £500 residentials?

It does sound like your spending is pretty unrestrained, and unreasonable, why are these costs so high? Were they discussed with you ex before you committed to them? It doesn't seem proportionate.

I think he might be better off setting a small sum aside monthly and leaving you to chose what to spend it on. I can imagine these sky high random amounts you are throwing at him would be impossible in most people's budgets.

What is his acess and does he pay maintenance? If it's fifty fifty and no maintenance then yes you can ask for.reaonable.costs ( if items are agreed lie school uniform) . If you receive regular maintenance then he may choose to.give you extra but he does not have to do so.

I did consult him in advance. We discussed costs. I took his advice on which laptop to buy.

Laptop 400
Bus pass 300...annual
Blazer...20 shoes..40 .trainers..25 .shirts..30...socks.16..pekit..20..bag 25

Ok so 876 to be precise.

Plus 3 other children's new school shoes topped up uniforms. Plus another bus pass for my eldest.

Also my eldest did a weeks volunteering which he and I agreed to pay her apprentice wage for doing. He hasn't yet paid me my half.

And a few years ago he started paying 30 a month to the eldest as a clothing allowance but then that stopped too.

All the spends this summer were discussed between us and he nodded reassuringly that he would help. But now won't.
He has never been good at maintaining work but no significant changes in aware of except he's probably spent all his money on the two cars he runs.

well, you needed to shop around for cheaper uniform and get a cheaper laptop, in my opinion. Crazy money. Do they even need a lap top at all? one or two desk commuters set up in the house in a communal area, much cheaper

Coldrain....by residentials I meant school trips so a price I can't change.

I don't stipulate how much I expect him to pay. I would just really appreciate seeing him spend something. Or slinging the older ones a tenner pocket money here and there.
I'm left forever feeling frustrated that I cover the costs for absolutely everything and work hard and go without myself to ensure my children get what they need.

no child need £30 a month clothing allowance. I think you are spending an awful lot, this could be why he is reluctant to help

Our secondary school requires we buy the uniform from them so can't be changed. It requires children have a laptop in school.
You can buy them in payment plan via school but my ex was the one that said they were crap and recommended the one I bought.

Coldrain....by residentials I meant school trips so a price I can't change

yes you can, if its compulsory, then the cost is a donation only, and the level of donation can be suggested by the school but not enforced.

If its optional, then you only choose to go if you can afford it

Our secondary school requires we buy the uniform from them so can't be changed.

1. illegal in the state system not to have a choice of outlets
2. how can they possibly know you spent £4.50 on 3 tescos shirts rather than £30 on their "official" ones?

Coldrain. He chose to pay her 30 a month. And then he stopped with no explanation.

Do you have teenagers in secondary school?

I'm not asking whether my spending could be cheaper....I'm asking whether a dad who sees his children regularly should consider it reasonable to spend 'something' on his children

Are your children in private schools op?

Do you have teenagers in secondary school?

yes

I'm not asking whether my spending could be cheaper

whats your issue then? you are complaining about the cost to you, but have paid well over double what is required, so why did you do that? you could have saved yourself a lot of money by paying less.

I'm asking whether a dad who sees his children regularly should consider it reasonable to spend 'something' on his children

not if you are controlling the spending and are making such extravagant decisions. I wouldn't contribute to these costs, no.

Coldrain I would rather pay the full price for a residential than see the school have to pay for it.

And the secondary school have one online store from which to purchase all uniform with logos.

I am not here saying I'm skint please help me scrimp on things for my children.
I'm asking is it reasonable for me to expect the father of my children to put his hand in his pocket sometimes?

Entirely reasonable to split the uniform costs 50 50 if the care is 50 50.

However it would also be reasonable to split the tax credits/child benefit too.

Coldrain thanks for your input I hear your opinion.

As I have stated yes . Costs were discussed with him.

And yes the 30 a month would have been a very grateful received contribution, but easy stopped.

Would you not agree to even treat your children when in your custody?

Pay for some clothes they could keep at your house?
I provide everything for them. They let me know when they need new underwear, new toiletries etc I provide them for both homes.

He has them as much as you do. Uniform and laptop spending aside, it can’t be the case that he spends nothing on him.

You have the house and you get the child benefit.

I can see you don’t think it’s fair but you can’t do anything about it and if you don’t trust him to contribute to your choice of purchases then you’ll have to plan accordingly.

X post. Don’t buy them things for his house.