Help!

[LostGirl1012]

Originally suggested my exh could stay in my flat to have contact with his son every other weekend because exh moved about 2.5hrs away and I don't agree it's in our child's best interests that he travels that far on a Friday straight from school and then back Sunday evening.
Anyway, since I offered this (which he would never give me answer as to yes or no) he has turned really nasty and slagged me and my family off. At this point I stopped him from coming into my flat at pick up and he would wait downstairs and I'd bring our son down. So now it seems to our mediator (who h has to be shuttle according to exh) that he will now stay at my place and I'll vacate. But I don't feel comfortable with this. I know I don't feel it's best for our son to travel that distance during term times, I'm happy for him to do so during holidays as he'll have time to settle back down but during the term time I feel it will impact his education and wellbeing. But now I don't know what to do. I don't want son to travel every other weekend and spend 6 or more hours in a car, but I don't want exh staying in my home either. What should I do? What's anyone else's experiences of anything similar to my situation? If you've read this far, then thank you x

Say no, you do not have to say yes.
How old Is your child?
What is it about the travelling that you don’t like?
Is your child happy to travel that long in the car?

He'll have to stay in a Travel Lodge or something similar when he comes. They're not expensive

As Wet says, how old is DS? I know the situation is far from ideal. But travelling for a few hours every fortnight won't be damaging. It can be something some children start to enjoy. A lot will depend on your outlook and how you present it to him.

I agree your ex shouldn't be staying in your house though.

Ds is 5, my concern for the travel I guess is that it is straight from school on a Friday when he's already knackered and then not back home until late Sunday night and so there won't be any down time for him, but exh will have him constantly on the go. When exh has had our ds at his he ends up coming back absolutely exhausted and withdrawn, he wasn't himself for 3 or 4 days afterwards. Exh admitted to our mediator that he did too much and so it made ds unwell, he was then told that he needs to be responsible and actually parent our ds. Previously exh admitted he had never taken any notice of what I would feed ds and in all honesty he was never bothered about him. He would come in from work and within seconds be shouting at ds and threaten him (he was hardly home tbh, always working late or doing overtime at weekends). Exh family also weren't involved (they didn't like me as exh moved to be with me after we got together), ds was almost 7wks old before they met him. Saw him 5 or 6 times in his 5yrs, they didn't want to know him. Then as soon as we split they are all over him, spoiling him, saying all this stuff and using my anxiety against me. Saying that exh believes I'm stopping ds from seeing him because of my anxiety and saying that I can't cope with ds being away, and that it's not actually about ds at all. It's about me!
Yes I do have anxiety, I have since I was in secondary school, but I have never said no that exh can't see ds and I wouldn't, I just want it to be done cautiously and in our home area until he is a little bit older but exh can't seem to understand my concerns and just wants it all his way and that's it. (sorry this is so long, it's so complicated).

Thank you for your replies :)

Also this first time he took him, I didn't hear anything for 6hrs (meant to be about a 3hr journey each way) and yes I was in a right state, because I can catastrophise things and so think the worst. But surely a little courtesy wouldn't have gone a miss... We're stuck in traffic, should be another hour or so...? 6hrs of not hearing anything when it's only meant to have taken 3hrs, it was horrible. Surely I wasn't out of order to be worried about ds and exh 😩😢

That's what exh wanted you to feel

😪 I guess you are right. I just didn't want to think he could be so nasty.

My dc age 9/4 and 3 travel 3 hrs one way eow to see their dad, its not ideal as the little two are exhausted but it works as ex keeps outings to a minimum if they are tired. There is absolutely no way i would be letting him stay in my house on his weekends which he originally thought would happen. The dc have been doing this journey for 2 years now, we do have the odd weekend where he visits them and stays local in a travel lodge.

I am just concerned that it will impact ds' education and wellbeing. Which was why I'd originally suggested that exh stayed at mine eow but that was before he turned really nasty. I'd rather wait until ds is a little older before he does that journey eow. I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable but I am honestly concerned about ds' wellbeing, but also trying to compromise so they keep their relationship going.

You certainly don't have to allow your ex to stay in your home. So you can safely say no to that.

However, more widely, I think you are being unreasonable. Your anxiety may well be a factor in that. I completely understand that the travel EOW isn't ideal, and it will be important for your ex to be sensitive to how tired your son is, and adjust his plans accordingly. But your worries about travelling need to be weighed up against the benefits of your son having a good relationship with his Dad. There is a wealth of evidence that a positive relationship with a father is strongly in the child's best interests. It does seem as though you are allowing your anxiety to erect unnecessary barriers to that relationship. While not perfect, that travel isn't going to harm the welfare of your son in any way.

There is no court in the land would agree with you that your anxiety about the child travelling outweighs the benefits of your son having a positive, meaningful relationship with his Dad. A court would agree that the child can travel to spend time with his Dad. If you fight this one, you will lose.

It's important for all of us as parents to realise when our own issues get in the way of acting in our kids' best interests. It sounds as though you had a pretty strong reaction to the traffic delays - but you need to recognise that that was your issue. It wasn't your son's, and it wasn't your ex's. And so I cant help but wonder if your ex has a point, that your worries here are more about your own anxiety and emotions, than about the child. For you, adjusting to co-parenting is going to involve learning to accept that your son's dad is an equal parent, and trusting that he will act in the best interests of his son. You may well go for some hours without hearing from them, but it isn't your ex's responsibility to manage your emotional response to that for you. And it isn't reasonable for you to allow your anxiety to put barriers in the way of your son spending quality time with his Dad, and giving his Dad the freedom to travel, and to parent in his own way during that time.

My response would be along the same lines as SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad.

I would definately say no to your ex staying at your house, there no way a court would even agree, And im quite surprised a mediator would suggest this. He can stay in a cheap hotel.

Although Reading what I have it does seem like your anxiety is getting in the way of allowing your son to have a good relationship with his dad. The travelling time is not ideal,but I don’t think it’s going to damage him in any way.
Discussing with the mediator about how to make going to his dads easier would be your best bet.
Maybe one visit he goes to his dads and they have a chilled weekend and the next time dad stays in a hotel in your town and they can do something more exciting.
Him & his family have done a lot to upset you but you can’t let it cloud your mind on the issue. Your son seeing his dad is more important, you may not stop him from seeing him but you are putting up obstacles and not leaving him much choice. Try to remember that he is an equal parent, and he shouldn’t be micromanaged in how to be a parent.

Ok no you are not unreasonable expecting him to stay in your flat . Yabu not accepting eow at 5. Do bear in mind 3 hours in a car he can sleep if tired.

I would agree to it and talk about down time.

I can see what you are saying but honestly if I had my way he wouldn't go out. So the fact that I actually carry on like normal and do the best for my son says a great deal that I'm not actually letting my anxiety rule. I suppose it's difficult to get points across in written words as outsiders don't know all the circumstances etc but I do understand what you are all saying.
The issue with that particular day was that it was the first time ds was going with his dad and the journey is meant to take 2.5hrs to 3hrs. I know there's traffic etc and you can't control things like that, it was just that if I hadn't known they were going straight home then I wouldn't have been so worried, but over 6hrs for a 3hr journey... 🤔 I don't think I was being unfair in saying that a quick message when they took a break or stop would have been too much to ask. I have sought legal advice and I was advised that due to his age (and my concerns about possible adhd), it would be better for ds to stay local during term times so routine is disrupted as little as possible. Then during holidays it's split 50/50 depending on exh work patterns.
I do have real concerns that he won't be able to look after him properly, he isn't like a father, more like a friend. So he doesn't actually parent him in all honesty. Plus there are things that happened in the past that worry me about ds being with exh for any period of time but was advised that because I didn't do anything about it before (my way of doing something was to always be around) it can't really be used.
His parents are trying to manipulate me and scare me into agreeing to things and trying to make me pay for debt that isn't actually mine.
I am trying really hard with my exh, I have been honest and tried explaining things and asking him things but I never manage to speak to my exh, I have to go through his dad and his dad is the one I've been dealing with. I stupidly begged him to just talk to me, I just want to talk to him because I know we could sort it out but his dad puts words in his mouth, well in the messages as he does it all for exh. I am not a bad person and I just want what's best and right for our son. (sorry this is so long, once I start more just pops into my head to write)

Mine are 11 and 9 and do a 2 hour journey on the m25 eow to stay with their dad. It's honestly fine and they have their own little routine now, 2 years on, of picking up hot chocolate on the way and listening to music. They come back to me by 5pm on Sundays so they have time to relax before bed- it works ok and they don't get too tired as it's only once a fortnight.