My eldest DD just turned 10. She was near daily during the summer holidays confessing to 'crimes' and lies she told me over the previous year at school. Stuff like... taking toys in she'd asked but I'd said no, so she took them anyway... stealing rubbers and pens from school... regularly talking people into doing things she wanted them to do, that they didn't want to... lying to me about how ill she felt at times school rang over bumped head, which she'd bumped on the fence deliberately, so I'd take her home... telling her friends that her younger sister, who is nothing but kind to her, is stupid & an idiot... that sort of thing.
I dealt with it matter of fact... as she realised it was wrong, I guessed it must've been a phase & we left it in the past with the understanding I would be doing spot checks on her bag / pockets sometimes & she was to utterly correct her actions to her younger DS by being ultra nice & welcoming starting this school year as my younger DD moved up to juniors with her.
Well school has been back a week and every eve there's another chat about something she's said or done that day that wasn't nice / unkind / was bossy. I was beginning to feel like this was the new norm until last night when...
...She told me she was playing with her DSis and said / did several unkind things to her infront of her older friends. Like making her wait last to join in with the game until playtime as over so she'd basically been left out, telling her to shut up infront of others, calling her an idiot infront of others. My heart broke for my younger DD. So we were talking about how that's not a nice way to treat anyone & how she wouldn't want anyone to treat her that way etc.
When she said 'I said something bad about you today mum'.
She told me she was talking with a friend, when she said how pretty the friends mum is. Friend said to my DD, your mum is pretty too. My DD tells me she said 'no she's not, and don't say that again, can you believe she's the same age as your mum but looks older too'.
Then silence while she looks at me. No apology though she clearly knows it was a hurtful thing to say about me. For background, eldest DD is obsessed with looks at present to the point little else is of value and I am no oil painting having had to have plastic surgery to part of my face several years previously following an accident, the surgery healing with scar tissue that has left me with a face of character than beauty.
I am sensitive about my looks but regardless this seems an unecessarily cruel thing to have a) said in the first place & b) told me about. This was retold to me as I was putting her to bed if relevant. I was so hurt I v quickly gave her a g'night kiss & left. Then cried silently downstairs.
I have absolutely no support. So I have to deal with this, but I'm hurting that she did something she knew would without doubt upset me.
In an ideal world the other parent would step in & explain how this behaviour is making people feel. But I'm so directly emotionally involved in her acid tongue attack I struggled this morning to be 'normal'. She's attacked my Achilles heal, I'm not proud of my weakness.
How would you handle this? There's a bigger pattern of regularly making choices she knows are wrong & thoughtlessness to friends / family that needs addressing, and my talking / forgive-forget strategy doesn't seem to be working. She had therapy last yr but it was strictly her & therapist, she told the therapist everything was fine & got discharged after the initial sessions. I have mentioned going back but she angrily warned me off it. Tbh I didn't rate it much for her issues anyway so I'm probably looking for alternative directions.
Asking in L.P. because I think the dynamics are v different to a family with lots of adult support, both for the child and the parent. I am my child's ONLY adult which must be hard for her too.
Any constructive help / advice appreciated.