Handover stress - the only one?

[HairyAntoinette]

I dropped the kids off yesterday afternoon. I now enforce a zero tolerance policy towards him having seen the light many years too late.

I wear sunglasses and literally see kids through the door and place any extra bags in the hall. I then turn and go.

Yesterday he was trying to get me to talk. "We're both adults blah blah just text me if you want to talk about it".

For a moment I wavered and thought maybe I was being silly.

Nonetheless I got back in my car, locked the doors and drove off. My face was red and pounding and I nearly had to pull over half a mile on to compose myself.

I felt so shaky and drawn when I got home I had a quick lie down... And work up this morning!

I almost thought I should talk... Then remember he's the one who got a six year old to impart big news... So he's not fully understanding the "we're both grownups" himself.

Does anyone else feel utterly drained by it all?

It isn't an easy situation. Especially if emotions are high. It has taken ex a while to realise he doesn't just walk into the house and chat like we are friends.

I'm happy to be polite. But I mainly talk to the children. Telling them to have lovely time and see you Sunday.

Although I am sure I need to show the children a more grown up approach. I have nothing to say to him.

Yes. He said we needed to talk. In my view there is literally nothing left to talk about.

A friend gave me a pep talk basically along the lines of "assume the worst". Eg he says he'll never reverse his vasectomy and have another child - assume he will!

God I hate him. But annoyed with myself too that this entire thing hurts me so much.

Oh yes... He still wants us to be friends. That's why he's not told me stuff... Because he didn't want to ruin our friendship.

For my ex he wanted to be seen as a good man. Even though he walk out on me. For ow. He wanted his guilt eased and 'be there for me'.

He broke my heart. And the only way forward was no contact. I know I need to be more grown up. But I am Not interested in how he is. Or what he is up to.

I keep him informed about the children's stuff of course. And I never bad mouth him or ow to the children. I hope he is happy. Because he has left untold upset behind him.

I would stay as you are. If he has something important to tell you he can e mail/text. I too await the news of a new baby further down the line. But think to remain dignified and polite is the best way forward.

I agree, tell him to send you an email.

Pour yourself a stiff drink before you open it. Or even better have a friend open it and send you a summary of anything you need to know and omit all the crap.

I don't think he has "big news" to share... Just wants me to forgive him so we can be "friends" again.

It did occur to me that there's absolutely to reason why he couldn't have sent ME a text saying "I'm sorry". Instead it's ME that apparently has to build bridges.

I send the kids with a book for updates/notes and they've got a phone since he wouldn't let them call me...

I would remain as you are then. He has methods to communicate with you. Until you are ready to be friends. Play it in your terms.

Same.
I walked away from drop off this morning feeling bad that I hadn’t entertained his chat and would it hurt to be friendly? Then I reminded myself he is a gas-lighting horror of a man and the reason I was feeling bad for my non-engagement was because in the space of 3 minutes he has manipulated me again. His conciliatory charm offensive will have been because he wants something.
Carry on as you are. Do not let him think you need to do anything. Polite in front of dc but nothing more.

I meet mine half way between our homes and do handover in a car park. Recently I have just stayed in the car and not even got out to hand the bag over or say hello. Communication via messenger is much less fraught than anything verbally when I can't always trust myself not to bite when he is all goady and smirky.

I do precisely as eve does. My ex tried the happy chatty were still friends approach because it eased his guilt. I told him that i was not his friend and after how he had treated me he was lucky that i was still being civil towards him, he knows that hes been a cunt! I never bad mouth him to the dc though and i always ask if they have had a lovely weekend, its not their fault that we are divorced. I would also keep him informed about the dc if he asked but he dosent as they dont fit into his new life. Im polite on drop offs but do not enter into any small talk at all.

"gas-lighting horror of a man"

That!

I'm glad others have this too.

I'm finding it hard as my best friend is happily married (as much as anyone can be!) And it was her who told me to stop being so nice to him. I am by nature "nice" though so it's been doubly hard.

What do you tell the kids? He's got a new place and the kids want me to go and see their room/stay for a meal type thing.

I've basically said mummy doesn't like daddy very much right now because he made her very sad and said nasty things. But we both still love you and daddy is still your daddy.

I feel that's "fair" - although accept in the eyes of some it would be wholly unacceptable. Fwiw they've seen him verbally abuse me.

Such a bloody minefield.

@HairyAntoinette that is a rough one. Sure you handled it well. Not something along the lines of that is where daddy lives now and that is his home. And this is where I live. And when you are with dad that's his time. Blah blah blah. I'm sat waiting for my two to come home. Hate the transition. I don't want to make it worse than it needs to be.