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Original poster

Ex is difficult over DD's contact

9 replies

honeypot27 · 07/09/2018 23:59

My ex and I split up 3 months ago, he usually has our DD (3 yrs old ) every weekend till recently he asked to have her for 9 days to which I requested that I like to speak via video chat to DD every 2 days around 6 pm. First he has agreed but then it never happened. He was saying that I am interfering when it is his time to spend with DD, that I always want to have my way, that DD doesn't want to talk to me etc. After another week he wants to have her for 8 days but I am insistent on the same simple rule that I like to chat to my little one every other day but he doesn't like that idea.

He meant to collect her tomorrow on Saturday morning but I am not making another mistake where I was sobbing my eyes out on my birthday when I couldn't get to speak or see her.
My gut feeling is saying that if he is not agreeing to let me chat to her then my ex shouldn't have a contact with her for 8 days as he has requested..

P.S. We haven't got a formal agreement but it looks like we need one very soon.

Thank for reading and I appreciate your wise words. x

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/09/2018 00:02

Does he call and chat on your time?

Why such a long stretch? Seems like a long time for a little one to be away from one parent without contact. Is there a good reason he wants to do this?

I'd reconsider as yoivhavent a formal agreement and get to court to finalise things - in the meantime say no to long stretches

Original poster
honeypot27 · 08/09/2018 02:14

thanks GreenTulips, I totally agree with you where you say no to long stretches.

He doesn't call or chat as he ''doesn't want to be a virtual dad''. He never asked to call. Otherwise I would be more than happy.

He is a freelancer, I guess that's one way to spend the time when he is not working.

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 08/09/2018 02:22

This may work while she is little but as soon as she starts nursery/school, hours will have to be more regular.

I’d be guided by your dd. Is she happy to be away from you for 8 days or is she clinging and distressed? Personally I think 8 days is too long. Some parents manage 50:50 , week on, week off, but 8 or 9 days seems excessive. I think you need a contact order.

When my ds is with his father I don’t hear from him but he’s 10 so less dependant on me.

ZigZagZebras · 08/09/2018 08:57

That would be way too long for any 3 year olds that I know, when my DD was 3 and 4 there was a few times of me being away for a week or so as her sister was in hospital a lot and I facetimed her every day but she was so clingy when I got back and constantly asking for me.
More regular shorter amounts of time would be better at this age.

ArnoldBee · 08/09/2018 09:01

My DSD gets distressed contacting her mother when she's here so we neither of us contact on each other's time. You've also said it was you that was upset on your birthday which is about your needs not hers. I find your conditions quite controlling which I'm guessing your ex does to?

Doyoumind · 08/09/2018 09:06

You must get a more structured agreement in place. This is what is good for your DD. It's not about what suits you or your ex. I think more than a week is far too long and you should be having some kind of contact by phone or video call. A court would not put in place the kind of contact your ex is proposing so you don't have to agree to it.

Your DD should have been with you on your birthday as well.

Your DD needs a routine that she understands. This current set up sounds very unsettling for her.

Original poster
honeypot27 · 09/09/2018 22:47

Just wanted to say thank you for all of you for taking the time to write your thoughts.

After reading your replies I understood that it is important doing what is good for DD rather than me or my ex. But it is such a fine line between what your DD wants at age of 3 and what I think it is good for her...

OP posts:
LostGirl1012 · 12/09/2018 22:05

Not controlling. Just wanting what's best for her child. It's not unreasonable to have some type of contact with your child if they are to be away for such a period of time and if it went to court a judge would order that there would need to be contact at least once or twice if away for that long and probably even if it was only 3 days. (this has come from my lawyer).

Starlight345 · 13/09/2018 10:28

I would want something more structured . I also think 8/9 days is too long to be away from main caregiver. If she is 3 she will be starting school September , guessing she is already in some form of daycare . Random weeks off while not damaging to her take the structure out her life .

I would be suggesting you work towards a plan that works for school

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