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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I don’t know what to do, any advice would be great!

14 replies

DanielaS123 · 06/09/2018 16:45

I was seeing him when he was still in a relationship (yes I know it was wrong, but don’t need any judgement.) He has since then spilt from his partner but has a daughter from that relationship.

When I told him I was pregnant he told me I had to have the baby (I was planning on another abortion until I found out I was five months). But couldn’t be involved straight away as the split from his partner had affected his daughter and he needed to put her first. This was in April.

He carried on seeing me throughout my pregnancy but never asked anything about it. I told him about scans and how it was going etc.

I gave birth to my beautiful boy nearly three weeks ago, which I told him when I gave birth. I asked if he wanted to see baby and the response I got was that I should rest since I had a c-section and he’d get to see him when he does. Since then he’s spoken to me normally and occasionally asks how baby is doing but it doesn’t move past that.

I also asked about a middle name and what surname to put down on the birth certificate and he said that it was up to me and I should choose. He didn’t seem too keen to give him his surname.

Am I wrong to question if he wants to be involved again? I feel like he’s not very interested. Yet wants to see me for sex etc? I’m really confused about what to do in regards to this?

It’s causing me so much pain knowing my fathers son isn’t acknowledging him.

OP posts:

Prettysureitsnotok · 06/09/2018 16:51

Are you sure he left his partner?

CurlsLDN · 06/09/2018 16:54

Wow. I'm sorry op but he doesn't sound like a very nice person at all, his moral compass seems to be all wrong!

He shouldn't be able to pick and choose when he gets to be a father - to either of his children. Plenty of dads navigate the challenges of a new baby from a new relationship, whilst also doing everything in their power to look after the first child and make them feel equally loved.

I'm sorry op, I know it's really scary but I think you need to try and set your mind to doing this on your own, and making yourself and your baby top priority. I'm a single mum too and I can tell you that as scary as that is initially, it's soooo much easier than an ongoing game of hope and disappointment.

What do you want to do?

WhatHaveIFound · 06/09/2018 16:55

I'd concentrate on yourself and your new baby. Give the baby your surname. I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like he's ready to commit to you and like Pretty, i'd question whether he's actually left his partner.

Original poster

DanielaS123 · 06/09/2018 16:57

Yes I’m sure he’s left his partner. But I believe he wants to keep me and my son as a secret as it would be obvious that he was cheating from my sons birth.

I really wanted my son to have his father present as I just don’t think I’ll be good enough on my own. I already struggle, I’m always worried that I’m doing something wrong or I’m just being a crap parent. I have no family or friends around so I just feel so lonely and hopeless. I just don’t know what to do😞

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 06/09/2018 17:00

To be fair if he isn't interested there isn't much you can do (other than give him his marching orders)

Newborns are exhausting and it's difficult to even think straight on a normal day.

Give yourself time to adjust and worry about the future when your child is sleeping through and you can work out what you want

WhatHaveIFound · 06/09/2018 17:05

Unfortunately you can't force him to be interested. Have you thought about joining any baby groups? Your HV may be able to suggest local ones and they'll offer you some support. There may be other single mums to talk to.

Original poster

DanielaS123 · 06/09/2018 17:10

I would never want to be forceful, it’s just very hurtful that he said he might be and kept in up throughout my pregnancy and now he’s not interested. Makes me so upset for my boy and makes me worry about how I am going to explain to him when he’s older that his dad didn’t want contact.

OP posts:

CurlsLDN · 06/09/2018 17:18

You are 100% justified in feeling hurt and upset, and that feeling isn't going to go away overnight. This is huge!

You are also 100% normal in feeling like you don't know what you're doing, feeling worried, feeling guilty for more things than you ever thought possible. You'll see that echoed a million times over on these boards, most new parents feel like that regardless of what support network they have around them.

Please recognise that you've been let down in the biggest way, right now you are justifiably and understandable delicate and vulnerable and do whatever you can to get through the days until you feel stronger. If that means eating loads of chocolate and cuddling your son while watching daytime TV - that's fine! Or if getting out to baby classes or meeting friends helps, do it! Just put yourself and your son first and allow yourself to slowly recover

WhatHaveIFound · 06/09/2018 17:21

'Force' was probably a bit strong a word to use but i think you have to stop relying on him being around. Plenty of families thrive with one parent. It's so hard having a newborn so i think you just need to concentrate on the two of you for the next few months.

Original poster

DanielaS123 · 06/09/2018 17:59

I find it so hard to concentrate on anything at the minute, feel like such an awful parent. I hope it gets easier as time goes on x

OP posts:

Beaverhausen · 06/09/2018 18:09

Sorry OP but he is not single no matter what you believe.

Firstly do not I've your son his name or last name because once you have come out of his haze you will realise what a fool you have been.

Secondly get his name on the birth certificate if he comes up with excuses hopefully that would be an eye opener for you.

You need to face facts his man is not interested in a relationship or his child and once you toughen up you need to start making steps so that he pays towards raising your hild and that your son is protected in the future.

Beaverhausen · 06/09/2018 18:10

It is hard bein a lone parent but you will be amazed at what you can accomplish and how strong it will make you.

Original poster

DanielaS123 · 06/09/2018 18:42

I’ve already been to register he’s under my surname only. I just don’t know how I am going to cope, I’m already struggling. I’m so frustrated that I got feelings and believed everything he said. Considering he’s already a dad I would of thought he would of tried his best with his son. I don’t see how he can make such a difference between the two.

OP posts:

Beaverhausen · 06/09/2018 20:40

I hate being harsh OP especially at such a vulnerable time. But he has no interest in you or your DC, the best thin you can do is get he child support agency involved and get that ball rolling.

Your no.1 priority is you and your son. Stop trying to flog a dead horse and sort things out so that you are stable and strong to take care if your son.

You have to cut communication with his man, even the waste of space of a sperm donor of my dd's turned up at 4 days to see his daughter. Was the one and only time mind you.

Do not be a mug like I was and fall for the we can sort this out between the two of us. You have to stop worrying about him and the bullshit he is feeding you.

Tryst me it might seem worrying right now but pretty soon you will be... oooh do not know what all the fuss was.

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