soon to be...

[Autumn29]

im soon to be a single mother of two. My ex is controlling (hence why im planning on leaving). He has threatened to get min 100% custody, although i think that would be unlikely, my concern is that 50% which is likely, is more parenting than he usually does. I know he will take me to court and i am unsure of what to realistically work out custody. I feel torn that the kids would be better with me the majority (since i have spent the most time and do everything for them) or to go 50/50 cos a dad is important to....what did you work out ?? Do the courts always go 50/50?

The courts don't always go 50/50. They go with the best interests of the children. They have a huge amount of leeway to decide what that is, but they will be interested in things like the quality of the relationship each parent has with the child, and the practical arrangements that each parent will put in place to make the split viable. The court will ask a CAFCASS officer to carry out an assessment before making a ruling, and that will get into some detail about what each parent is looking for, what factors are relevant to the decision, and what they believe would be in the children's best interests.

You don't say how old the children are. What do they want? If they have sufficient maturity (broadly, if they're aged 12 - but the courts may listen to a mature child who is younger than that), then their views will carry a lot of weight.

Personally, I'm a big fan of 50/50 IF the circumstances are right. But you will both need to think carefully about what is right for the kids, and start from there. Frankly, he will get zero sympathy from a court if he goes in and asks for 100% unless there's a damned good reason why you shouldnt be allowed around the kids - one of the fsctirs a court is interested in is the degree to which a parent will encourage a positive relationship with the other parent, so this stance would actively count against him if he took it in court.

What type of assessment do CAFCASS do? My kids are 5 yr old lg with sen needs and my lb is 3. I doubt he will go for 100% that is just a threat for me , he will act lovely in front of others and deliberately started being all over the kids now and interfering with my time with the kids since i've made it known i want to split so they are all daddy atm. I would go with 50/50 but i know he prob hand them off to his family in order to cope and he wud mostly want to dodge child maintenance. I feel like 50/50 would be the amicable thing to do but i know that he will want to control everything and it never be enough. I sound crazy but im so scared cos he is so manipulative and i dunno how to show how great mine and the kids relationship and how much i do for the kids. :(

Do you have photos of you and the kids on your phone? Or just the kids? Does he? This might go some way to show who takes them on outings and so on? I would think that people who work in the courts system are very used to people who think they can manipulate the system. Also if I were you I would get in touch with women's aid, threatening to take your children could be considered to be part of a coercive and controlling pattern and you have mentioned his manipulative behaviour. If you want to leave then why haven't you yet? I don't mean that as an accusation but is it because you are frightened or concerned about what he might do? If he is as controlling as you say but you are happy for your children to be with him then get a legal agreement in place regarding visitation 50/50 isn't always practical and you know your children best so be reasonable and calm but firm. If your kids are at school for example it isn't practical to shuffle them about during the week. If a formal schedule agreed in court is in place then he cannot control you through the kids.

Thank u for that. Kinda makes sense why he has started taking lots of selfies with the kids on his phone. I have pics of just the kids and me and the kids from when I've taken them out. I don't like myself in pics tho so I try to avoid them so it isn't a reliable way of seeing if I take them out (which I do alot). I haven't left yet cos I have no where to go and I'm scared to be honest. Scared he will use the kids slag me off to them more than he does now and try and manipulate a situation that doesn't suit them, I don't want them hurt cos I've decided to leave their dad. I think I'm just so anxious cos I know how he can be clever and has made alot of threats in the past to upset me but he has never physically hit our kids or anything. Yeh I def want to seek legal action, and I'm sure they are used to ppl being manipulative, I guess I just worry alot cos he can be very very good lol. Thank u for ur advice.

Please please ring women's aid. He is subjecting you to coercive control which is a form of domestic abuse and is in fact illegal.