Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Ex wanted custody and now palms DS off

24 replies

2new2this · 05/09/2018 22:29

My ex wanted custody so we went 50/50 as that’s what my son wanted too.
It was working well but whenever my ex has my DS he sends him to the grandparents instead.
My DS is happy as he loves them too but I feel that I am giving up my time with my son for him to spend time with his dad who obviously doesn’t appreciate him as much as I do.
If it was only now and then I wouldn’t mind but it seems to be more and more, am I being unreasonable if I want to reduce his custody amount? Thanks

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/09/2018 22:34

They usually all say they want custody but the reality is different. I wouldn't blame you for changing the arrangement if he can't be bothered. What would happen if you just stopped?

ShalomJackie · 05/09/2018 22:39

They sometimes want custody so they don't have to pay maintenance and are helpes by their parents to achieve this.

TheFishInThePot · 05/09/2018 22:53

YANBU. How old is you Son? My DS's Dad used to have him only 2 days a week, but would always store him at his grandmothers house when he was done showing him off and taking photo's of 'Daddy time' for his FB.
I was pissed off but thought DS does actually love his Great Nan so I'll poke up with it. As a result I do think my Son may have felt a bit displaced in hindsight, he was a very clingy child, when he was with me, once he was able to verbalise he would say he didn't want to go to Daddy's. Now he sees him only one day he keeps DS with him and DS is much more relaxed with me, that changed over night when I changed the arrangements.

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 22:56

He’d fight me on it and then things get messy and my son will be caught up in the middle of it :(

OP posts:

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 22:57

I don’t actually think it’s about the money. He thinks he’s a good dad and doesn’t see any problem palming him off as it’s family and my sons happy with them.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 05/09/2018 22:57

Not U necessarily, but speak to Ds and see how he feels about it (depending on how old he is, of course).

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 22:59

My son is 10 and we talked about the difference options in advance and seems happy which is why I’m wondering am I being selfish?
The problem is we have our son alternate weeks so I feel like I am giving up a lot of my valuable time with him for someone who doesn’t appreciate him as much as they should!

OP posts:

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 23:02

He says he’s happy with how it is but as the amount of time he’s being shipped off is increasing I don’t want him to feel unwanted.
I don’t know whether to raise it with my ex in the hope that he spends more time with him but it might just end up causing more problems.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 05/09/2018 23:05

When you say shipped off/ what are you leaning? If he's at dads for the week, say a school week- is he round there until his dad finishes work? Overnight? If he's happy- there isn't probably much you can do- but make sure he j owe hay if he isn't happy, he can always tell you

DieAntword · 05/09/2018 23:05

Maybe you should just think of it as you and the paternal grandparents having 50/50 custody rather than you and the dad, presumably if they are willing to do this they appreciate it even if the dad doesn’t?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 05/09/2018 23:06

How much time is he actually spending with the grandparents?

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 23:08

He’s there most weekends and sometimes sleeps over in the week. It started off as Just day visits but now he is spending more time with them than his dad.
He assured me he is happy so maybe I just have to take a step back and check with my DS now and then to check he still wants to keep things as they are.

OP posts:

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 23:09

We take alternate weeks and my DS is round the grandparents most weekends and now extra nights in the week.

OP posts:

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 23:11

Yes that’s definitely what it feels like! They do really love him too and I don’t begrudge them seeing him but it’s just that I don’t understand why his Dad doesn’t want to spend more time with him as he’s a great kid!

OP posts:

TheFishInThePot · 05/09/2018 23:16

How long was the arrangement working well for?
Does he have a new partner or something which is distracting him now?
I would say something, if he asked for custody he wont approach you now and say 'I know I wanted this, but I'm busy now', obviously only you know what kind of a man he is but if there is no power play, like having him just because he can, then it's worth reminding him that you didn't have a child with his parents, you miss your child and you stand aside 50% of his life for his Father to have quality time. If you say it is increasing, then say something before it's the status quo.

Original poster

2new2this · 05/09/2018 23:22

We’ve been seperated for nearly a year but I do think he has just got a girlfriend so maybe this has something to do with it.
I might try and broach the subject - maybe he doesn’t realise or like you said maybe he feels like he can’t ask for less time with him.
I will sleep on it and maybe talk to him tomorrow.
Thanks for all the advice!

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 06/09/2018 12:20

It’s ‘contact’, not ‘custody’.

What dad does on his time is his business, just like what you do he has no say in. If you try to dictate it will be seen as controlling.

Your son is 10. Is he happy spending time with his grandparents?

Bluebell878275 · 06/09/2018 16:48

I think if your Son was showing signs of unhappiness then I think it would be the correct and responsible thing to talk to your ex as parents. However, he said he is happy so I think you just need to go with that at the moment, just keep an eye on him. You really can't 'just reduce/change contact agreements'. That would come across as putting yourself as 'top-parent' and would not go down well, understandably.

ShalomJackie · 06/09/2018 17:59

Actually its residency that replaced custody and contact that replaced access if we're being pedantic

TheFishInThePot · 06/09/2018 20:13

But the OP isn't trying to take time away from her ex, she was happy with him spending half his time with ex. Why shouldn't she speak to him about whether he can sustain the level of contact that he once wanted?
She misses her child so he can be with the other parent, that's a sacrifice and the ex doesn't even seem to want it.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 06/09/2018 20:35

There are very good reasons, and not so good reasons why he might be doing this. If he's having to work or something, then this sort of childcare arrangement would be very reasonable. If it's to facilitate the dads social life, or a new relationship, that's certainly not a reason I'd ever take to spend less time with my kids.

Personally, I'd say it's worth having a chat to see if there is something going on, and if yoir ex would be amenable to adjusting the proportions of time, since he is spending less time with his son.

But I wouldn't push it too hard, since your son is happy. Time with his extended family is generally good for him - it's just that this seems a bit excessive if it isn't about work or something. So a friendly chat is the way to go - definitely don't try to lay down the law or talk about you "reducing his custody amount". You're equal parents, so you can't simply dictate.

PinkFluffyFairy · 08/09/2018 09:08

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It won't be long until DS puts a stop to it himself. He's getting older every day.

UserNr385 · 17/09/2018 23:28

Yes you are unreasonable. Your child is happy. Let them be.

"They sometimes want custody because they don't want to pay maintenance".

I hate when people say that. We love our children just as much women do. But if we want to take responsibility you say we just don't want to pay maintenance. Why is it that men are ALWAYS expected to pay maintenance? Is that our only role? What if I said women only want custody because they don't want to pay maintenance? Would that be accurate?

Nightwatch999 · 19/09/2018 02:06

NorthernSpirit, why are you always trolling Lone Parents? I am sick of seeing your same vitriol towards single mums. About time someone reported you.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread