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Lone parents

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Original poster

Feeling judged

12 replies

Creeper8 · 04/09/2018 00:37

Cant help but feel really judged and looked down on! to the point I even considered getting back with my abusive ex just to avoid feeling this way. Does anyone else feel judged as a single mum?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 04/09/2018 01:08

Not in the real world, but if I read and took notice of the vitriol against single mothers online, I might have. Someone will always judge you about something OP, whatever you do. Best to develop a thick skin and ignore it. Get on with life and raising your child. If others aren't satisfied with their own lives to the point they crave to judge others then that's their problem.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 04/09/2018 01:09

I definitely experience it in real life alot. Its just getting me down. Sad

OP posts:
Starlight345 · 04/09/2018 11:32

Tbh . People judge no matter what . Those that matter won’.

It doesn’t matter though what others thing focus on your family. That is what matters . Remaining separated from ex is the healthiest thing you can do for there exposure and from the perspective of role modelling

ParkheadParadise · 04/09/2018 11:40

In the beginning I was judged as I was 15 when I had dd1. I was a single parent for 13 years. Don't think I was judged for being single, if I was I never noticed 😂.
I did get told how well behaved and lovely manners dd had maybe they thought because I was young my dd would be a nightmare 😂😂.

LonginesPrime · 04/09/2018 11:40

I'm a single parent and I felt judged a bit when my DC were younger and when i was in the process of getting my shit together myself, but as Mistress says, if it weren't about that, I'm sure it would be something else. You can only control your own thoughts and actions, so I would work on building your own confidence so you care less about others' opinions - I found doing this made a big difference to me.

If it makes you feel any better, I think it gets better after primary school as the DCs become more independent. And then in work, I find it's the opposite and others are often a little impressed once they realise you're a single parent on top of doing everything else!

isaterror · 08/09/2018 16:46

Yes definitely, especially in the area I live in, people immediately look at me with a pitying look on their face and say "oh im sorry" to which i reply "don't be, we are alot better off without him!" You just need to build your armour up and remember the reasons why it is better without him around. You only live once! (sorry to say such a cliche but its true)

My ex was abusive too (emotional) and it was starting to impact on my daughters behaviour - i didn't want her to grow up thinking that is what relationships were like and to be around a tense atmosphere with constant bickering, that is far more unhealthy for both of you in the long run. Please don't go back to your ex just because it will make other people feel better about you. its your life and you need to make it a positive one.

Most of the mums I know at school are in superficial unhappy marriages and stay with the husbands because they are afraid of leaving because they haven't got the courage to go it alone, or for material reasons (house, car, holidays etc) I think leaving is a brave move - you only have one life, and you deserve much more for both you and your child from what you've said. Good luck x

continuallychargingmyphone · 08/09/2018 16:47

Yes, definitely, but not worth getting back with an arsehole for.

Ginorchoc · 08/09/2018 16:53

Yes I do, but you need to change your mindset so it doesn’t bother you. When my daughter was a baby, shop workers were the worst bizarrely, as we have progressed through school years it seems to be the married SAHM I’ve met through School (not saying all SAHM before people get their knickers in a twist) not sure why, but it always has been, I work in a good job, own home, holidays etc and the working mums never had an issue with me. All bizarre but not bothered by it, honestly don’t get back with an arse just so you’re not a lone parent. Think of the positives.

Rbkh · 09/09/2018 23:13

Yes definitely! I’ve obly been a single mum for a few months and I’ve felt really judged especially as I look a lot younger than 25 so they do the double judging! When my daughter was born I was 23 and still with her dad and honestly at my 8 week check the nurse said the following to me

Nurse: are you still with the dad?
Me: yes ?
Nurse: oh that’s good because most girls your age aren’t.

I don’t know what it is though that people feel the need to judge a single parent, we do a bloody good job and twice the work too, yet there are still so many that look down on us, it’s so frustrating! X

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/09/2018 07:18

Oh yes! It never stops. There is always someone with an opinion they feel the need to express....I suppose we’re paying for you to live here (I own my own home), I would love to do what you do (I’m a teacher)only I can’t because I have a husband, I don’t know how you keep smiling because I would be miserable if I were you, why did you have children if all you’re going to do is leave them in childcare?....I could go on.

Disengage and laugh in their faces (they don’t know what to do with that - you’re supposed to disappear). Know you are doing the best job you can and know your own limits. For example, I worked full time for years and was at the point of breakdown - a friend helped me to look at other options and now I work supply. Less money but a far better balance. You are one person so need to look after yourself because no one else will.

You will be OK and so will your children.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 10/09/2018 19:40

thanks for the comments. Its honestly been so bad, When im asked if they see their dad aNd I say no its always looked at in a judgey raised eyebrows kind of way, like its my fault. Im also technically young when I had them as I have 4 and am under 30, I know im judged for that aswell but even more so being single.

OP posts:
Missythecat · 10/09/2018 19:46

Oh I get you. I work full time and am a single mum. The comments are dreadful! Teachers saying stuff like "oh I'm sure it does you good to work but couldn't you go part time" ummm no. I have to pay bills.

And then the looks from other mums when you say you are alone. They visibly recoil!

So I get you. Take heart in the fact that you do it by yourself. Not many people can attest to that. You do a good job day in day out. That takes a lot of hard work and resolve. You are doing great. You have four kids!!! You should be regarded as a superhero.

No one else's opinion matters unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. Remember that.

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