First refusal babysitting..??

[Melody1234]

Hi there,

I am (again) in need of some advice and perspective.

As a bit of background, I split up from my ex a year ago, it was a very controlling relationship and I was referred to the Freedom Programme by my Health Visitor. Our communications are minimal, for my own sanity, as I find it very stressful, and I am frequently having to point out when he is being aggressive/pushy or reassert my boundaries (this is progress for me, rather than just taking it, but still massively stressful). I'm saying this so that you understand the situation, that he isn't a source of support for me and there isn't day-to-day chit-chat etc (as I know some people have much more amicable relationships with their ex partners).

My ex has stated that we should give each other first refusal for babysitting. I responded that the current system of emailing to confirm changes to the schedule, as long as it doesn't impact on the other person's plans, is fine. He has replied that he will also take little one if I am sick or something unexpected crops up, and I am to contact him in these situations. He has also said he understands if I don't want to be contacted in these kinds of situations and will make other arrangements.

My issue here is that, if something crops up (clearly I'm thinking an emergency situation or illness, as social things I happily do with my son), he is the last person I want to interact with. Knowing that I would have to contact him, and then see him (at present all handovers occur via the childminder, who is wonderful and has known LO since he was 4 months old) adds so much extra stress. I would much rather be free to call on the childminder or my family/friends to help out for a couple of hours. I feel like this is another form of control from him.

I am aware that at some point we are likely to enter into a custody battle as we probably won't be based in the same area forever and the current 50:50 setup (which is actually 60:40 or 70:30 to me because he is away with work/on holiday with friends/can't handle LO when he's sick etc) won't be tenable, so I am quite touchy with certain aspects like the last sentence where the implication is that he is prepared to drop everything to spend extra time with LO (which history has proved he's not) but I'm not.

Anybody been in this kind of situation? What is your system for sorting babysitting? How would you respond at this point? Please help...

I have quite a relaxed relationship with my ex so we're quite flexible regarding this for DS.

In your situation however I think you're right & it is just another form of him trying to control you. If you were to ask him to have LO for an extra night would this lead to questions about where you're going, who with, how you'll get there, get home & what time etc?

I wouldn’t, it smacks as yet another way to control you.

Also have 3ds to an xp who was both abusive and controlling. First 2 years nc because of a restraining order. I have found - even 3 years on, that this results in 'I do all this for you....' and was another attempt to control, i would never ask him for emergency childcare so you are perfectly fine to continue as you are if you're happy with that. He will try and tell you you have no right for 'x,y,z' to watch the children without my permission - ignore him tgats bs!

I wouldn't and ex made the same offer if I ever needed a baby sitter he would have the children.

Over my dead body. He does not need to know I have a social life and the less contact I have with him the better for me.

In your situation it smacks of control. In my ex's case he wanted to be seen as the amazing reasonable man. Who although walked away from his family is over all a great guy. It was all about his imagine. And I was not going to partake in any such nonsense.

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it. Yes I agree this isn't a pattern I want to get in to. The trouble is, he has a habit of assuming that what he says has been agreed, when I haven't agreed it. We had a meeting in January to try and sort through some basics, in which he raised a lot of ideas that I didn't necessarily agree with but were't worth fighting about at the time so I responded in a vague way like "Well we can think about it" (clearly a bad move on my part but I was trying to be amicable at the time -- although that meeting ended up going really nasty and amicable has been off the cards since). So since then, several times he has raised topics as "As we agreed in January...", this one included.

I am struggling to find the words to respond to this latest email, especially as I know it will generate a stream of anger from him as he's not getting what he wants. It's very stressful. I basically want to say that I don't want to have to contact him about things that occur in my personal life, and so long as LO is ok and being well looked after, and it doesn't impact on ex's scheduled time with LO, I think it's better for us both to make our own arrangements. That said, if LO needs me, for example LO is sick and needs to be with me, I am always ready to have him (but, somehow, make it clear that this would be a handover situation, I'm not having him trailing me round the GP's asking for explanations of everything)...

This was part of our custody agreement- other person has first refusal of care ifs overnight/all day. A few hours doesn't count. I don't see it as unreasonable- and also dealt with someone who could be bey controlling and unreasonable. Also meant I always knew where the child was and wasn't concern d over how suitable the chosen Child minder was

Tell him this..
Thank you for your offer of help.
However when it is my time with DC I feel it is better that I don't inconvenience your for small matters and have help already sorted for these times, should something major occur, it is very comforting to know your as willing as myself to step up as a parent, thanks.. DCs mum.

How flexible is your childminder? Could you tell EXH that you have made arrangements with the childminder to cover any emergencies because you’re aware he has commitments that can’t be rearranged at the last minute such as work etc

Thanks everyone, some very useful phrases in there that I will work into my response.

SD, that's interesting that it was part of your custody agreement -- I agree that a few hours is different from a full day or overnight. At the moment all our handovers happen via the childminder because having to see him and spend any amount of time with him (e.g. while he faffs around finding LO's stuff, because it's never ready) is really stressful for me, and I'm sure LO can pick up on it, seeing me get stressed.

Mary - yes the childminder is 100% flexible, she's an absolute star. With ex, actually his work is very flexible (I know this because we work at the same place you can imagine how stressful that is too) but it's his social commitments and new girlfriend that meant he took 9 months to agree to have LO for a full weekend, because it would interfere with his drinking and hangover. I have this in writing from him at the time.