Forcing a child to contact

[Whoknows11]

My 3 year old currently is refusing to go and see his Dad. His dad walked out before he was born so has never been a ‘dad’ in his eyes as to him he’s just like an uncle. Through no ones fault, unfortunately that’s just the situation as he has never been around for day to day.
So my question is when do you force contact? It’s been on and off like this now for 2 years. He’s bribed by 101 different things, I encourage him as best I can but his answer is just no he wants to stay with me.
His dad blames me and doesn’t see that our son has separation anxiety caused by being forced to stay with his dad.
His dad has had increased contact over the summer holidays, out of the CAO and it’s clear it’s had a negative impact. Again his dad doesn’t see any issue.
I’ve contacted health visitor who will work with me to help my son’s separation anxiety but to me constantly forcing my son to see his dad is having such a negative effect and just doesn’t seem right.

Anyone have any advice for me please? His older brother goes with no issues but he had a bond with his dad before he walked out!

Could you offer to do a few sessions at soft play with Ds playing with his dad but with you there as reassurance

He is quite little and if he senses that you and his dad aren't great friends, this may make it worse for him. He does need however to have a relationship with his dad, if that can be safe and comfortable for him and you will be expected to encourage and support that.

I would suggest maybe trying to build it up slowly, you mention that he is 'forced to stay' so I assume he is having overnight contact and also that you don't think that is a good idea.

So suggest trying an afternoon at somewhere he would enjoy like soft play and building it up to overnights.

I agree it could be a good idea if you were there to offer reassurance and show your son that his dad is a safe person - but if you don't really believe that then your presence could be counterproductive!

It can be a really difficult situation emotionally but the law is clear - unless this man is a danger to his child, the child has a right to a relationship with him. So if it goes to court, you may find yourself criticised if accused of not doing what you can to promote this relationship.

Thank you. We’re in the court process and there is an interim court order. My ex has requested more contact over the summer holidays to which I agreed. However it’s not gone well and my 3 year old is struggling. My ex won’t discuss it and denies tgerevis a problem.

I suggested he just goes for the days not nights at present and he’s ignored me and said he doesn’t intend on bringing him back to me for the nights.

So he will be breaching the court order! Now what? Ring the police and get them to bring him home?

Police are often reluctant to act where both parents have PR unless some obvious risk of breach of the peace, but breaking court order is a serious thing so if he does that I would apply for urgent court hearing so that he explains himself.

We’re in court tomorrow so that will be fun!

The constant games is exhausting.

Good luck.

Yes, the constant games are just awful - but I don't think they ever stop. All you can do is try and mange your reaction to them and set clear and consistent boundaries.

Hopefully the court will help set out a clear framework for how you go forward. 3 is still very little. There is some research which doubts how child friendly over night contact is for children who aren't yet at school.

@spero thank you.

He turned up with him in the end but didn’t tell me that was his intention as the last email I had was at 10am saying he wasn’t bringing him home to me. So all day I’ve been so anxious. I agree the games don’t ever stop, it’s been over 3 years and he still is so selfish only thinking of himself.

I will try and do some research. Honestly I’m beating myself up about the situation, trying to convince him to go but at the same time worrying he’ll think I’m rejecting him and concerned about the long lasting damage.

If anything at the moment his dad is pushing him away by acting the way he is. Sadly he doesn’t see it x

Good luck in court . I would print email off and take that to court. You can get an order that insists on return to you forget what it’s called

With game players do not divisor from court order. They only push more

Court done! They listened to my 3 year olds issues. Court order written in my favour with them living with me and visiting their father on certain days/nights and review in Jan for my youngest’s anxieties and increasing to a night in the week!

The court asked him to explain his actions from yesterday. It didn’t paint him in a good light!

That's great news OP! Hopefully your DS can some normality back in his life

I am glad the court listened to you - my friend is going to have similar issues soon so am anxious for her. This is for an older child though

3 is so tiny, it clearly isn't in his best interests to force him if it is causing anxiety

I spoke to cafcass who had closed our case in the beginning but advised me last week to email them my concerns. I did this and they received it and took it all on board.

I am so relieved and finally feel like the law has been used to its purpose!

Thank you for your kind comments and advice x

Glad you were listened too.