Unsure if I'm being unreasonable about ex and contact

[PerfumePonce93]

Hi all, just wanted some outside perspective on my current situation.

Backstory is as follows, had just split from ex before finding out I was pregnant with dc (now 2). Ex asked to abort, then had nothing to do with pregnancy or birth, met dc at around 2 weeks old. At this point I gave the option of having no contact if he chose or to make some arrangements for spending time with dc. Only thing I insisted upon was consistency, but he could chose when and how much contact he wanted. He does also pay regular maintenance, although much less than he would have to through cms.

Since then it has gradually increased from 2 to around 7 hours once a week, and one weekend stay a month.

Over this time I have tried incredibly hard to be friendly and facilitate contact for my dc. I have never badmouthed him in front of dc and try to avoid arguments for their sake. However I don't feel able to voice any concerns without him kicking off at me or ignoring my wishes altogether.

Examples of this are introducing new girlfriend without telling me (no issues with the gf, but I would have expected to be told, and did the same in return before introducing to my exp) refusing to have a sensible discussion when I spoke to him about bringing dc back in dirty nappies causing them to get sore (I was lying about this apparently ).

Recently I have tried to raise concerns as he occasionally makes comments saying that dc was my decision and never wanted by him in front of dc. I can't have this happening, but he will not have a conversation with me about this, says I make him too angry or says that I am lying about things that he said. On the most recent visit dc was ill and upset for most of the weekend, he didn't tell me or mention it when I called (he also gets angry when I want to speak to dc during weekend contact because I should just leave him alone or says I am implying he's doing something wrong. I'm not at all, I just want to speak to my dc! He's also tried to get dc to say they don't want to talk to me whilst in front of me).

So basically my question is what would you do in this situation? I really want my dc to have a relationship with her dad and this family, who they seem to have bonded well with, but I just don't know how to do this successfully any more.

Unsure if I'm being unreasonable in expected to know if dc is unwell or meeting new people during contact or maybe I should just leave him too it?

Anyway, thank you for reading if you made it to the end!

Sadly you have no say in what his dad does or who he introduces him to on his contact time. A heads up would have been nice though! As for speaking to your dc whilst he is with his dad, its really not necessary and i would find it intrusive if i was in your exs position. My ex has handed dc back over saying they have been a bit under the weather while with him on occasion, it turned out to be croup and hand foot and mouth, words were had about his obliviousness to certain illnesses, (dc has been hospitalised with croup) but there is little you can do about that also. I think you should leave him to it, hes not going to parent like you and you need to pick your battles and these minor things are not worth it. The comments infront of dc about him being not wanted must stop though, concentrate on that and leave the rest.

Thanks for the reply. It can be hard to keep perspective on the situation sometimes! I should probably leave him to it more.

My only issue in regards to the illness is that he doesn't do what I'd expect anyone looking after them to do, for example dc came back with a high temp and ended up at the doctors. He hadn't taken temp or given Calpol because apparently I hadn't provided it for him. Think this just tends to make me over cautious!

I can totally respect where you are coming from. My ex has done similar things, including the introducing of girlfriends, and telling our daughter things such as 'mum's a liar', and 'you have two mums' after being with his current for 4 months.
I've learned that while it's a struggle, what's important is the relationship they have with you, such as being open and honest in a trusting way, as this is what they will remember when they're told things or have upsetting experiences with the other parent. Perhaps one day he will realise that it is only the relationship HE has with the child that will be broken.
I think it should be normal to expect exes to inform the other of illnesses, and of things that will have a significant effect on the child, but sadly I've learned that not everyone else is reasonable and considerate!