When your child is sick...

[Melody1234]

Hi all,

I'm in need of some advice/perspective, I really hope you can help. I want to know when you think is the right time to contact your ex to let them know that your child is sick.

As a bit of background, I split up from my ex a year ago, it was a very controlling relationship and I was referred to the Freedom Programme by my Health Visitor. Our communications are minimal, for my own sanity, as I find it very stressful, and I am frequently having to point out when he is being aggressive/pushy or reassert my boundaries (this is progress for me, rather than just taking it, but still massively stressful). I'm not saying this because I think it changes when he SHOULD know that our child is sick, but so that you understand the situation, that he isn't a source of support for me in this scenario and there isn't day-to-day chit-chat where these things would crop up (as I know some people have much more amicable relationships with their ex partners).

So, based on something that happened recently, I would like to hear your thoughts on which stage is right to contact your ex to say that the child is sick. Child is 2-years old and generally healthy apart from occasional cold/flu and teething etc as normal.

A: Child has a mild fever and is a bit clingy in evening.
B: Child vomits in the early morning.
C: Child vomits repeatedly over course of three hours but then stops.
D: Child has fever, crying and clingy, and covers you in vomit from shoulder to knee. You decide to take child to doctor. (Both hands full trying to comfort child and organise transport etc).
E: In doctor's surgery, doctor examines child and gives some injectable medications and fluids.
F: As soon as back home after doctors, child finally calm.
G: Later that day (same day as vomiting started) but no particular rush.
H: Next day is fine.
I: Next time you have to communicate with father or handover child.
J: Not necessary if child is well again by the time next has contact with father.

This scenario excludes the following situations in which obviously would have to contact the father:

• There was a medical decision/choice to be made, e.g. we have to decide to do A or B, there are pros and cons.
• Child asks for father or asks about him
• Child is due to go to father e.g. will interfere with handover time, or there are medicines to give, or child is not better yet.

Please let me know what you think is reasonable, what you would do in this situation. I know that whatever I do is wrong in his eyes, so I need to be secure that I am being reasonable in how I approach these situations.

Thank you!

I would try and contact him at C, but my priority would be dealing with a sick child, so if I didn't get time to contact him until later, it's tough. I would try and notify him when I got back from the doctors at latest.

My DH is away from home a fair bit and I would try for F or G but wouldn't expect any grief it ended up being H.

J. I wouldn't contact him.
My ex messages every other day to see how dc is and I would mention they were poorly then. If he wasn't due to see them and he didn't ask I wouldn't tell him unless they were poorly enough to require hospital treatment.

I'd only contact him if he was due to see DC OR if it was serious enough to need hospital treatment or admission

I or J.
Or admission to hospital type seriousness, at a convienent time afterwards.

*afterwards in my above message means after admission, not after discharge.

I think it all depends . My Ds was in hospital when he was 3. His dad had 2 hours contact once a fortnight which he frequently missed . My Ds did not want his dad only me . I informed him after he was out of hospital . Neither of us wanted him there. He said I would like to have popped in . I was there 3 days solid.

Big I wouldn’t bother at all . A illness that is going to require medication on contact probably before. You are right whatever you do us wrong . In these situations let him know only what is needed . Give your child the treatment you think appropriate, don’t get into debating every decision . It becomes another form of control.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's good to hear how other people handle these situations. You're right that it becomes another form of control and I'm trying hard to protect my boundaries with this, without being unreasonable.

In this situation, my phone battery died while I was at the doctors, so I informed the father at point F (once I was back at home and could charge my phone). I am currently getting grief for not prioritising phoning him at point D, whilst juggling a feverish crying child and covered in vomit. Turns out someone else told him that I was taking little one to the doctors (which I'm pretty cross about, and haven't worked out exactly who it was yet), and then he was trying to phone me repeatedly but couldn't get through because my phone battery had died. (Not sure how him phoning me while I'm in the doctors could be considered helpful or supportive or in little one's best interests).

But as I say, whatever I do is wrong as far as he's concerned. It's really helpful to have all your perspectives so I know that actually I wasn't in the wrong like he says.

Thanks again, and any more comments/suggestions/perspectives welcomed too!

The thing is you have to shut down these conversations.

He says you should of informed me point D . Don’t even bother answering . Do not answer any you should questions .

Dc has a virus on medication. Anything else ignore.
If he can’t communicate without attacking you go to email or text. If you want to continue to talk phonecalls . They are business calls . That’s all the information for now . Bye.

Don’t bother with pleasantries , trying to placate him. You won’t.

The best thing I ever did with my ex was every time he started shouting at me down the phone or been abusive I hung up and turned my phone off. It stopped giving him the response he wanted.

Personally- D. I would want to be informed child was sick enough to need medical attention. I would also tell other parent at D. A quick text is all that would be given, but I believe if they are involved they have a right to know.

G. And only then because the GP gave injectables. If the GP had said, fluids and rest, I’d have said nothing. But then my ex isn’t interested in DC, only in beating me over the head for perceived slights.

“I took LO to the GP because they were vomiting. GP prescribed fluids and injectables.”

No one should expect any earlier information. LO’s well-being, which includes a parent whose focus is on them, is more important than keeping ex informed.

J - no need to inform him.

All DC get colds, coughs, fevers, D&V occasionally. Unless the DC is due to be seeing his dad then IMO he doesn't need to know.

I think at the point I decided to seek additional care- so I was going to the GP

Sorry just seen your update - looking after the sick child is a priority and phone batteries die. Definitely don't rehash this incident with him. I also agree if the child isn't wanting them there then their opinion really matters too.

I'd want to be told at A but my ex probably wouldn't find it that necessary to know at that point so I'd mention it to him at C. I'd drop a text saying "Just to let you know... blah blah. I'll let you know if it gets worse" and that's it.

For me, normal is telling him at handover: kid’s been sick, he’s on this medication, seen the GP, bye.

My circumstances are a bit different. I had to take DD ( a teen) to A&E twice since we split up. First time, I thought he wanted to be there. Called at 1 am, left a message. Got back to me after a couple of weeks, unrelated. Had no interest: ‘she was with you, she’s your responsability’ was his reply.
Second time I didn’t even bother calling him.
I don’t know what’s in his head. But I did ask DD, she was going to have an emergency procedure in A&E: shall I call Daddy, do you want him to come?
She rolled her eyes: ‘What for? Don’t bother!’

That’s when I knew it’s us two from then on.

Thanks everybody, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. It seems it depends a lot on your relationship with your ex, as I suspected, and where that relationship is more amicable it's likely to mean earlier communication. It's good to hear I'm not alone in communicating after having sorted out LO -- it was a stressful day made worse by ex being pushy and aggressive about this. I'm not going to re-hash it with him but will feel more secure in following my gut again next time and not being intimidated by him. Thanks guys.

I'm actually opening another thread on a different but related aspect, if anyone wants to hop over and offer some more advice. Thanks!