I feel so rubbish that i cant wave a magic wand and make ds feel better......

[nightowl]

bit of background. ds's dad has been a waste of space for the last 8 years. his visits have been inconsistent, he does nothing with him, doesn't attend school plays, special needs reviews, birthday parties, does bugger all for him. has never shown any interest apart from when he hasn't got a gf (and there have been a few).

so this year i told him, unless he sorted himself out he could contact a solicitor and we would come to some formal agreement. until then, no access. he was making ds so unhappy it was for the best.

so after two months he phoned me up asking to see ds. i agreed but told him this was his last chance. he's now started seeing ds again.

but ds doesnt trust him at all. who can blame him? every time he sees his dad he doesnt want to come home. ive let him stay extra days but then when he comes back he cries his eyes out, he thinks he isnt going to see his dad again.

this is hard for me. on the one hand i feel like a shite parent, i feel resentful that his dad can just walk in and out of his life and the sun shines out of his arse when im the one who has looked after ds since he was 1 1/2 with very little help and no support. im the one who has taken him out, organised birthday parties, paid for everything, helped him with homework, fed him, clothed him, bought him everything he's ever wanted when i cant afford it, sat all night with him when he was ill with his asthma propping my eyes open while he was sleeping to watch his breathing, spent nights in hospital with him and still had to go to work the next morning. ive also done bloody everything i can to try and make that child happy. i know im not the best mum, im often busy, housework, garden, DIY and i feel like he hates being with me. i am the boring one.

im being childish i know. but ive struggled through for years and years doing my best, my kids being my priority. ive made bad choices along the way admittedly but ive always done what i thought would benefit them above all else.

and now this idiot re-appears, he's great and im nothing. i have ds breaking his heart and i dont know what to say to make it better, especially when im gritting my teeth saying nice things about his dad.

am i the only one to feel like this?

I've only been split from my ex partner since the new year, but my daughter idolises her dad. It's natural, we're there all the time, the absent parent is the exciting one and thus they speak of nothing else and nothing can compare. It will even out, we just have to take it in our stride. We are strong and we will come through, even if it is with broken hearts and tear-stained faces. For our children we do this.

We deserve medals sometimes.

Agnes

Nightowl, you are not alone! We do all the humdrum stuff; dad is still a great dad even if he neglects the basics of child care eg making sure they brush their teeth and do their homework! Could you try to schedule in more fun stuff with your ds, like kicking a ball around in the park, or swimming? Laughter is a great tonic; may watch some funny DVDs with a big bowl of popcorn?

If you ex is inconsistent again, maybe you could get him to go to mediation to sort out a more formal arrangement? Might be worthwhile calling a mediation firm to discuss this?

Good luck

ok so this is really getting to me now. its been three or four weeks since daddy became effing superdad and every week is worse. its now wednesday and ds is still crying.

i did something awful yesterday. i cooked the kids tea only to have dd running in to tell me ds was crying again. i went out to them and told ds he had to get over it and that this situation was ridiculous. i told him he was lucky as some children dont have a daddy (meaning his sister). i just lost my temper.

ffs, his dad left 8 years ago. i have never had this problem before.

tonight he came in from school and started crying again. i called his dad and he spoke to him for a while before passing the phone to me. i had a go. i told him that this was his fault for being inconsistent with his past visits and messing ds around so much. he told me it was my fault for not letting him see ds (yep, all of three weeks when he already had not seen him for over 6 weeks, with no phonecalls and no explanation and 8 years of messing him about).

so its my fault.

i was so angry it ended up with ds and i having a row, which in turn upset his sister. so then i have two kids crying. i admit, i behaved like a child. we're ok now but ds apparently has been crying at school and telling his teachers. he must have told his teacher i got annoyed because she apparently said that mummy didnt mean it, that mummy was angry with daddy and not ds.

im just failing miserably here i think.

what the heck do i do? i cant make it better!

Don't know what to say about your ex, but just wanted to say that being the boring one who does the housework, garden, DIY makes you the one that is the best mum in the world.

madameplatypus, thankyou. you just made me cry again but in a good way! really this is just breaking my heart...i cant stand to see ds so upset. the kid doesn't cry normally so when he does i know something is really wrong

need to pull myself together.

OK - stop! You are not failing, YOU care and show it on a day-to-day basis. DS can fall apart with you because you will be there to pick him up and make it better.

Yes, he deserves a better dad - so, did I but heh, he has got you and a sister and that makes him lucky. So, you're not perfect - who is? Start by being kind to yourself, being kind to him and his sister and sod the ex.

Work out what you need his father to do, formalise contact, disappear down a big hole, and work backwards from there. Do what you can and then, stop - you are not responsible for this man's poor parenting.

Finally, I recommend red wine - well, it works for me. Oh, and my Mum never criticised my Dad at the time - I'll never know how.