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Original poster

Really struggling with my abusive ex's Disney dad behaviour

6 replies

Redandyellowbits · 14/08/2018 10:22

I left my exh 4 years ago, due to physical violence, in front of our DC. He was also very verbally and financially abusive, and I ended up leaving with no money at all. He ket the house, rental

I have since lived with parents and work all of the time to try to dig myself out of this hole. I'm 43, with 3 DC under 10, and no savings or pension etc.

Ex still sees the children, I have facilitated this as I would like the DC to be able to make up their own minds about exh. They have seen his manipulative behaviour, and have come to understand what he is like, but obviously being so young, they still have a way to go in their relationship with him.

He has them for 2 weeks over the summer holidays. He wanted them for longer, they said no, and they have been bored at home with him for most of it, and counting down the days to come back.

Now he is suddenly super-dad, taking them out and away on a break today. It's sudden, I spoke to DC last night and they knew nothing of this, eldest messaged me this morning and quickly told me so I wouldn't worry that they are suddenly out of touch with me (they have email in his house and that's all). This is great for the DC as they won't be bored, but it's not really him. He complained bitterly about taking them anywhere when we were together - most of the time I holidayed alone with the DC or took my parents along, as exh said it was 'boring' going on hols with the DC.

Overall he hasn't changed, as he wouldn't let me see any of my friends or family when we were married (for 10 years), strictly his best friend and wife (who doesn't speak English), or his sisters family. He is the same with the children, they have alternated between seeing these two sets of people over their hols, and are not allowed to see or contact their old school friends who live on the next road.

I'm just venting really. I am usually good at keeping busy when the DC are away, and although I am busy I have really missed them this time. I am working loads, and we are moving into our own house (finally) the week they come back, so lots to think about, but I miss them alot, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I feel annoyed that they are enjoying their time with him. I have never said this to kids and am always pleased for them. But he is a man who punched me in the head in front of them, wiped out my savings accounts when I left and continues to lie and manipulate where he can.

The DC know that he is not the same as other men, but he has never hurt them, and they love him. It sucks, he seems to have got a very good deal out of this. Sees them once every 6 weeks or so, can easily afford to take time off work and be the good dad for 2 weeks, whilst I struggle and work so hard to keep us all above water. He has zero input into their education (has never been to their school), and resents them doing any out of school activities (eg sports clubs) that interfere with his erratic plans.

I am tired and waiting for them to come home. I wish they could see what he is really like.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/08/2018 10:24

In time they will OP. When they're old enough it will become clear. You'll be the one they recognise as properly parenting them later on. It's hard now though. Flowers

crocsaretoocoolforschool · 14/08/2018 10:28

Has he told you they are going away or did the message just come from your son? Do you know where they are going?

I'd be very annoyed with my ex if he didn't tell me they were going away and he's a major fuckwit!

Original poster
Redandyellowbits · 14/08/2018 10:35

Has he told you they are going away or did the message just come from your son? Do you know where they are going?

The message came from my eldest DC, age 10. He never, ever tells me where they are going - in fact, he doesn't usually tell the DC either.

He picks them up from me and would either head back to his house (2 h away, our old marital home), or to his parents house (1hr away, but in the total opposite direction), and wouldn't tell me, or the DC. If I asked (via text only, we never speak), he would say he doesn't know what the plans are yet. If the kids asked he would say its a surprise/why do you need to know/what difference does it make.

It was all part of his control when I was married to him. I never ever keep the DC in the dark with plans at all, this is completely a reaction against him and his very secretive ways, I want the DC to know we have an open house here were we all discuss and make plans and decisions to suit us all.

An example - he was once supposed to drop me my sisters house, an hour away, for the weekend. Instead he drove straight past and took me to his parents house for the weekend instead and said I haven't been spending enough time with his parents and need to be there instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redandyellowbits · 14/08/2018 10:40

In time they will OP. When they're old enough it will become clear. You'll be the one they recognise as properly parenting them later on. It's hard now though.

Thank you so much, I really hope they see through it all when they are older. I feel like this is part of the cycle of abuse - his nice phase, which disarms me/DC, and makes us think 'oh, he is a good bloke after all, we mustn't complain about the bad stuff'

Eldest has already forgotten the horrendous guilt trip he played on her for wanting to delay seeeing him by one day, as she wanted to see her friends. He pulled out so many lines, and lies, and she felt so guilty she said she won't see her friends (who are moving on to different secondary schools, so she is unlikely to see them again). But instead she is telling me she is having a great time with her dad now. So frustrating.

I wish the kids could see it now and tell him to f--- off Smile

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 14/08/2018 13:48

He might of been a shit husband / partner and his abuse to you was wrong but that doesn’t necessarily make him a shit dad.

Why are you letting children under 10 years old decide contact - this is adult decision, not a child decision.

You say you really miss them and are annoyed that they are having a good time. Sorry, that sounds really selfish of you. Facilitie contact and when old enough they can make up their own minds. You are projecting your own feelings. Kids unconditionally love their parents, it’s not fair on them.

Original poster
Redandyellowbits · 14/08/2018 14:42

You say you really miss them and are annoyed that they are having a good time. Sorry, that sounds really selfish of you.

I haven't projected any of this onto them, I have never stopped them from seeing him and always been positive about their time with him - and that is why I am venting here. Perhaps annoyed is the wrong word - hurt, sad, confused maybe. I feel sad about it, I know I shouldn't and I wouldn't say to them.

Why are you letting children under 10 years old decide contact - this is adult decision, not a child decision.

I am not letting them decide contact? I did let DD ask for one day's leeway, which any reasonable parent would consider accommodating.

Facilitie contact and when old enough they can make up their own minds.

This is exactly what I am doing. And yes, it's hard, but I am doing it.

Kids unconditionally love their parents, it’s not fair on them.

Yes, they do. Which is why I let them go, pack their stuff and put on my happy face, and vent on here. I don't do it to them.

He might of been a shit husband / partner and his abuse to you was wrong but that doesn’t necessarily make him a shit dad.

And watching your dad punching your mum, probably does make him a shit dad. In my book, anyway.

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