Dilemma: should I ‘make’ my kids see their dad

[BeccaCG]

Hi. I’ve got 2 boys, age 3 & 4. I separated from their dad when the youngest was 2 Months old. We seperated amicably but things went downhill quickly and he has made life difficult pretty much all along but I have still wanted the boys to maintain a relationship with him, especially as he now has another son. However recently they are telling me things that have happened whilst they’re with him that make me feel very uncomfortable- e.g. they have to stay upstairs and play in their room whilst everyone else is downstairs, they aren’t allowed a bath or in the paddling pool but their younger brother is, they’re frequently sick when they stay over there with no explanation given as to why and then this weekend they haven’t given my youngest a birthday present (his birthday was Thursday). What would you do in this position? My 4 year olds behaviour is terrible and he’s told me his dad and partner argue all the time and his dad swears in front of them so I think he’s copying what he sees at his dads house. I should mention I no longer communicate with their dad, I just speak to his girlfriend and hand the kids over to her. Thanks in advance

Hi Becca.

A really tricky situation that I completely empathise with. My advice is made trickier as you don't speak with the Dad, whereas exH and I always kept communication. Similar to you, my eldest daughter (we only had one together) was 6 weeks old; access for the first year was at mine, with me, as she was feeding/ felt right and gradually he gained independent access, with his first sleepover when she was 2.5 YO. She's now 4. Around a year ago, like you, things got difficult. She told me they'd argued and there are other children there that were treated very differently. I mentioned a few things on a couple of occasions, and he got very defensive and wouldn't talk. She came home with scratches after a day there a few months after the difference occurred and I called him and asked to meet him for us to speak.

We had a very serious chat about DD. About her dislike of going there during this time, about the scratches (new wife's son being physical) and spoke about his access. It seemed to shit him up- we both cried and managed to have a break through, thankfully- and since then things have changed. His attitude changed. His wife's attitude changed and things are smoother and DD enjoys going again. Had this not happened, I would definitely have stopped access and gone back to square one; her happiness was my ultimate goal.

Is there any chance his girlfriend is likely to have this chat with you? Is she likely to hear concerns and feel compassionate towards the access, or is the situation too tense? Heart goes out to you- I know how tricky co-parenting can be!

Thanks for sharing your experience, i had concerns about my oldest sons behaviour back in February and spoke to their dad on the phone about it, I tried not to lay on any blame but just said I thought hearing arguments might not be helping. However I just got verbal abuse and it was then that I said I wasn’t willing to speak to him anymore and wanted to speak to his girlfriend instead. She is ok, pleasant enough, but when I have spoken of concerns in the past she doesn’t seem to want to discuss it - mutual friends have said she’s scared of him but he was never physically abusive to me when we were together, I think he’s just quite controlling of her. I think deep down I know I can’t really let them continue to visit him when it’s upsetting them so much but I guess I’m scared of the fall out if I try and ‘ban’ him from seeing them. Part of me thinks I’ll just not get in touch to arrange for them to go round and he might not either (he currently has them while Im at work but as of September they’ll both be in childcare 5 days a week so I won’t need to rely on him for that). It’s just an awful situation to be in and it’s so hard to know what to do for the best x

I still do just that- very rarely put out contact but wait for him to clarify times, and yet we have a similar arrangement each week so could probably not communicate at all about it. I have often wondered whether they'd become a time where he would not contact, and just like that, he'd be gone.

It's horrible when things are happening that are, or feel, out of your control (the arguing etc). Do your DC speak with you about it? My eldest has heard arguments in the past, and on the weekend before he and I spoke wad 'involved' in a row where exH was asked to leave by wife and "take your fucking daughter with you". She was three, and still references this; it stayed with her. And it's stayed with me... I can't undo or prevent this, not truly, from happening again.

Do you have anyone in RL that would support you distancing yourself? If he's a controlling partner to new GF then you made need some support to distance the DC, is all I'm thinking.

Aww that’s awful that your daughter had to hear that, and upsetting as a mother to know what an impact it will have had on her. My oldest tells me things he’s heard / seem in arguments, like his dad ripped the wallpaper and that he shouted at new girlfriends 8 year old daughter. He’s only 4 so tends to just tell me bits and then get distracted and I don’t like to push him too much about it. Tonight he’s told me he doesn’t want to see his dad again because his dad doesn’t love him. Of course I tried to assure him that his dad does love him and his brother but it’s heart breaking. My mum and stepdad will support me and I do have a new partner who’s really good with the boys but I’ve tried so far not to get other people involved. Might have no choice though. I’m tempted to speak to his mum as we still have a good relationship but it’s awkward because obviously it won’t be nice for her to hear these things about her son but I thought I might ask her to have the boys at her house for a few hours and their dad can see them there, at least then they still have some contact but there’s somebody that I trust unofficially supervising. Whether she’d agree or not I don’t know but might be worth a try x

Oh that's so sad- it comes in dribs and drabs when they're young doesn't it! He sounds aggressive and angry so I think supervised contact sounds wise. Perhaps try and meet with his mum and speak on a level, and explain how you want to respect him as their biological father to try and maintain access, but that you are worried he is behaving inappropriately in front of DC, and that they're becoming aware of this. Attachment theory would suggest that would enable your DC to feel heard by you, and also not suffer the loss and rejection of a cold turkey cut off from their Dad.

I think I’ll give that a try, thank you for your help it’s helpful just to know that I’m not overreacting or being overprotective x

As their mother you have a responsibility to safeguard your children. If you have any concerns for their well being while out of your sight don’t send them. X