How far in advance should I know contact dates?

[Stormsurfer]

ExH lives overseas. DC live with me. ExH comes back every so often for the weekend to see them, but not regularly. He saw them at Easter and will next see them mid August. He also will see them in some of the school holidays, but I don't know the dates. I also don't know the arrangements for Christmas. As I am here all the time for them, I seem to just have to wait until he decides when he is seeing them. My question is- what is a reasonable amount of time in advance to know the dates?

My OH does the contact order in the Jan for the year ahead. Can you take the bull by the horns and draft some dates?

Wow as far in advance as that!! That's very interesting. Yes I think I need to force the issue. Trouble is as soon as he knows it is important to me, he will be even less obliging just to annoy me!

Given that Christmas & school holidays are known a year ahead, I’d take charge and suggest dates for each big holiday, a year in advance.
Then you can both flex a bit over weekends if your ex comes home for short visits.

Yep, take the initiative and YOU plan it. Tell him unless he objects by x date then these are the contact dates for the next academic year.

Tell him the dates of the holidays and give him your suggestions. If he has any issues he has until X date to make his own suggestions/responses.

Everyone needs to know where they stand, with a degree of flexibility built in for normal life circumstances

I would want the year’s contact schedule planned out in January for the whole year. Agree with YOU taking control and tell him what dates the DC are available for contact. He can see them on those dates or not see them. His choice.

We do 4 months at a time and it works for e everyone.

My ex likes to set out the dates a year in advance. The judge told him 6 months ahead was fine and there should be flexibility (mutually agreed etc). That's my problem - ex has no flexibility AT ALL in any circumstances. I once booked a theatre trip 18 months in advance and sent him the date, so the schedule could work around that. It was a random - no birthdays, bank holidays etc. He told me I was cherry picking dates!

Ok thanks. I think I can let the weekends be flexible as I will be home anyway with them, but I will ask to sort out holidays and Christmas much further in advance. Trouble is he will say he never knows when he can get time off work etc. But I guess he will just have to schedule his leave better.

Off course he will know when he can get time off from work, he just needs to put in for annual leave at the beginning of his companies financial year and not leave it till the last minute in the hope that noone else is off.

The year in advance schedule (which my OH drafts in the Jan and the mum can’t be arsed reviewing) means everyone knows where they stand for the year ahead. School holidays are published online and my OH books his annual leave around this.

My OH has a court ordered contact order. The mother has been very instructive with regards to contact so my OH takes the bull by the horns and ‘suggests’ the calendar for the year ahead in the 1st week of Jan. He asks for her to respond (and I judge has ordered that she has 4 days to respond). She never botheres to respond so my OH takes it as given.

My advice would be not up pander to his games.

@NorthernSpirit the problem with a year in advance, particularly as children get older, is that real life doesnt work like that. Invitations and events crop up with a few days & weeks to a few months notice. And the children should be given some choice - that process of choosing and making decisions is considered in education to be a major skill and contribution towards success.

My ex hides behind the planner. He doesnt want to co-parent - so refuses to accommodate flexibility ever. You could argue that an event that the child want to attend should be accommodated by either parent. Sadly again if I find something that my child would like to do and would be useful to their future/education etc my ex will go out of his way to ensure the child will not attend that event.

So I sit between your "year's planned schedule" and no schedule at all which is unmanageable.

Yes, I agree. That is why I thought I could be flexible on the weekends, but not so much on the actual holidays. Unfortunately I already know he will say his work is not guaranteed beyond 3 months at a time- although he has been saying this for 5 years now!