Providing for children

[neva]

My ex has a job; he has assets; he sees our daughter regularly. And yet he refuses to provide for her. I made an application to the CSA over a year ago - to date, not a penny via them either. How can a father feel that it is OK not to provide for his child under these circumstances? He is not a person to be reasoned with so there is no point trying to talk it through with him, by the way. My question really is, how to come to an acceptance of his (in my view) immoral behaviour?? I don't discuss money matters with my daughter, but if she ever raises a question about it, how do I present this to her??

hi Neva, is it that you need him to provide financially or just a matter of principle?

i'm in the same situation neva. I really thought my ex would cough up. He does buy clothes shoes etc, but no regular payment. CSA are onto it apparently? I'm on benefits so wouldn't really get much from him paying csa. My ex has his own business and is in the house we owned. I just asked him to take me for a divorce as I'm with another guy now so he can get me for adultery but ex has other problems he's dealing with first, i.e. with the inland rev. That's not my problem though but I'm having to stay married to him.
My sons are 6 and 9 and if they go on about me not being able to afford things I just say I don't have any money but daddy has. They know he doesn't give me any. He does have the boys a lot so I shouldn't be too ungrateful but he can still afford to give me some.

My DD1's ex has never given her a penny for my GS in over 4 years
CSA are still chasing him, attempting to arrest his wages etc.
He buys his son presents, Christmas etc but the LO is not allowed to bring them home, they must stay at his house

AbRoller - I have a good job but part-time, and large mortgage - not much money left after paying the bills. So money from him would ease the pressure. It is also a matter of principle. It is often claimed that dads don't pay because they don't get access. But here is an example of a dad who gets all the contact he wants, but still won't pay! Isn't it wrong when a dad has lots of money to spend on, say, beer, but won't support his child? How can such a man possibly feel good about himself?? How can he present himself as a good dad to his child? Isn't this confusing for the child? I would be horrified if I learned that my mum had paid for everything; surely, knowing that both your parents did their very best for you is essential to a child's self-esteem. Hopefully the new CSA will do a better job for kids.

neva i just agree with you 100%. my ex doesn't work, sees the children alternate weekends andf once a week, sponges off of his rich girlfriend and doesn't give me a penny. three kids, one wage = not easy. I'm absolutely sick of having to provide everything myself. every time i manage to clear a little bit of cash, something comes up and it goes away again.

If my children ask for expensive things that i can't afford i just tell them it's because Daddy doesn't support them financially. My children are 11, 8 & 9 - so they're old enough to discuss it themselves with their father,
It isn't my job to lie or make excuses for them.

Persephonesnape, I agree, you have to be truthful. It is sad though. My daughter is 6 and like most of that age thinks dad is wonderful. She so wants a dad she can be proud of

I too am in the same position. My ex is supposed to pay me a measly £50 per month in maintenance but I haven't seen a penny for months. He has a good job and rents a bedroom in a house so his rent is virtually nothing and he has no other bills to pay. If he takes our dd (age 9) out then I have to give him money to feed her or he will just not bother as he 'cant afford it'. I know fine well he can afford it as he works 12 hour shifts sometimes 6 days a week and is on a decent wage. My dd is still awaiting a birthday present from him (from last November) and also Christmas presents which he promised her he would get but, as usual they didnt materialise. She still thinks he is a wonderful daddy (even though he only sees her maybe once a fortnight and even then only if he can be bothered). All i can say to you is good luck and, you are not alone!

Thanks Tequilamockinbird, good luck to you and your daughter, too. Those with problems with the CSA might want to keep any eye out in the press for the outcome of Denise Rowley's court case.

Hi Neva, sorry took so long to get back, didn't put watch on thread.

Can see this one is tough for you. It's very frustrating and I know it's better to be truthful with your children but sometimes we just have to handle the adult issues let our children put dad on the undeserved pedestal. That's why I asked my question initially. If he's that unapproachable I can only wish you luck with CSA. On the principle issue, dd will come to realise when she learns the value of money, what you have done for her.

best of luck.