Managing with no family support - mentally

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hi everyone

Just looking for some advice/ reassurance I guess.

My ex had an affair, moved in with OW just after Xmas. I have two sons 6 and 3. We are managing OK - ex does have some contact but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I do have a Mum and sister but they are over 8 hours away and very caught up in their own lives - so haven’t been to see me or anything since ex left.

The thing I’m really struggling with is the lack of any back up. It feels like an underlying anxiety always at the back of my mind that I don’t really have anyone if something went wrong - either with me or the kids. I do have friends who are great but they have their own lives and children so although they say I could call on them ( and I guess I would if really desperate) it doesn’t feel the same?

I just wonder how others in this situation manage. Does it get easier? I think I also find it harder as my sister has been a single parent for a long time and my parents ( and now my mum) provide so much support to her - all her childcare, back up when she is ill, kind of sharing the responsibility for my nephew if that makes sense.

I do suffer from anxiety so I think it may also be that, but it feels a bit like I am constantly waiting at the back of my mind for something bad to happen and wondering what I would do.

I sympathise, OP. I was in the same position with two babies after being widowed, and my nearest relative was 250 miles away.
Try not to waste energy fretting about what might happen. Your kids will gradually get more independent and be able to help a bit if you’re ill.
My DD had to go to the village shop alone at 4 years old to get milk when I was floored by flu - she crossed the road safely and came back indignant that “the lady tried to give me fat milk and I asked for semi skimmed!”.
You will be entitled to a certain amount of leave from work if your kids are ill.
Get to know other mums at your 6 year old’s school, so you build up a possible support network. Offer help to them where you can, to generate exchange favours.
It is tough, being on your own. But you soon learn to cope, and become very resilient and adaptable. As will your kids - mine were far more mature than their classmates in dealing with crises, looking after themselves, being sensible etc. They were home alone after school from the ages of 7 and 9, until I got in from work. When they went to uni, they had to teach the other students how to use the washing machine, wire a plug and cook!

Thank you for replying Babdoc and I’m so sorry that you were widowed.

You are right I do need to stop worrying about what might happen! It takes away from enjoying the present - perhaps I can try and take from this experience a better ability to live in the present! It’s funny but before I had kids I was very independent and fearless, it somehow got lost a little somewhere.

I think you have to take people up on offers . Loose the pride . I found it very difficult to do this .

Other thing get them onto waiting list for beavers . Obviously 3 is too young but it really does help as they get older with camps and days out

I am in the same situation. No mum but I do have sisters although they all live hours away.

I coped by getting very organised. Holiday club is booked months in advance, detailed planning so things don’t overlap or clash. I have a back-up phone on a different network so if one fails I can be reached on the other.

But accept that people really are happy to help. A lot of mums have been in the same situation at some point and know what it’s like. They really mean it when they offer and would be hurt if you were in a bind but didn’t ask.
Once you’ve coped with a couple of issues, you might find your fearlessness comes back. Being in my own did a lot to restore my old confidence.