Single mother struggling

[Doramay]

Hello, I'm a single mom of a 19month old girl and I have no family or friends supporting me at all.

It's really hard and I feel like I can't do it anymore. Much as I know it would be the end of me, I have been thinking of giving her up for adoption as I feel that it's all just too much and I want her to be happy.

My DD is the joy of my life, from the moment I got pregnant she has been my absolute angel, and she's also a handful. She's smart, sweet, strong and loving but getting into toddlerhood has turned her into a different kid, from a lovebug darling to constantly screaming out of frustration for everything, from not being able to get what she wants to not being able to lift heavy bags (she's into EVERYTHING).
I can't do anything at all. I have to shower while she's having her bath, cook and clean at night because she will scream wanting to be nursing or be picked up as soon as I step into the kitchen. I used to have lovely long baths to relax but I haven't had one in at least 6 months now, just quick showers before she starts screaming to get out of the bath. Cooking is a nightmare, she will scream the whole time I'm at the stove-- it scrambles my brains and I feel useless, my nerves are frayed. I want to pick her up but I can't chop veg while she's in my arms! . She doesn't want me to spend time up and about doing things, she wants me to sit down the whole time we are home with my boobs hanging out and she will breastfeed every 5 minutes for a while, despite having 3 big meals a day plus snacks, and if I don't sit down she screams bloody murder until I do.

I've tried explaining, talking to her, playing, distractions, but it's useless. She used to play by herself a lot and has tons of toys but she doesn't play alone anymore. She wants me to read her books, which I love doing, but I have to cook her meals...When we go out she walks lots, which she loves doing, but once we are back in it's the same story. I used to have a sitter but she left the country (not because of my DD!).

I used to carry her in a sling to do chores but now she's just too heavy to do housework with her on me. She has now started kicking me and when I say to her that that hurts mommy and to please stop she laughs aNd keeps going. Obviously she doesn't understand what hurting means but I don't know how to stop her. It does hurt! It's just all getting too much. I feel very lonely and stressed out, I feel like a crap mum and I was wondering if there's anyone out there at all. I feel that I have lost me. I don't have time to look after myself nor to do anything I enjoy doing. Since giving birth I have developed Hypothyroidism, which doesn't help, and my body has turned into a couch, basically. I need to cut my hair short because it's all straggly and useless now, I just keep it up in a bun because I hate the feel of it on my face. I used to love my hair. I used to be a make up artist. At night I also study for a MA to keep up some kind of hope that I will get through this and be able to support us but I don't know that I can now...
Sorry about the rant. I know we are all struggling and I didn't expect it to be easy, just not so soul crushingly hard and taxing. I hope what I wrote makes sense I'm just exhausted and I don't know what I'm saying tonight.

You're not a crap mum, parenting is tough, especially when they are clingy. It does get better though, they are not like it forever and its not because of anything you have done wrong.
Do you know if you havr homestart near you? They can come to you and play with your DD while you get some things done or just be someone to talk to.
Have you tried toddler groups? How is she there?
Are you eligible for 2 year funding? Maybe a couple of afternoons at a preschool would make her less reliant on you and give you a bit of breathing space?
Maybe gingerbread could help? There maybe some single parent meets near you where you can get some support from people in a similar position?

Hello. I struggled too and I had support from my mum so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. All I would say is don't suffer in silence! Talk to your gp/health visitor. Help is available and you deserve to receive it. You don't need to go through this alone.

Thank you for your suggestions ladies I will look into what you have mentioned. It's really kind of you to have replied

You're doing a good job OP
Parenting is tough! Well done for breastfeeding for so long!
See if you are eligible for help with regards to childcare. Do you work? Are you able to find a part time job? Just to get out of the house and interact with adults without a toddler wihh you.

Hello OP. I second the suggestion of getting a part time job.

I didn't return to work after my maternity leave, but DS and I did move into our own home when he was 15 months. Until then I'd lived at home, with lots of bodies to help me. Within 3 months of just him and I in the house, I broke drown one day and vowed to get a job. I'm not ashamed to say that. You shouldn't be ashamed having managed all this for 19 months!

My only mistake was getting a full time job. Then I felt guilty! I eventually got the balance right and went to college. Another option for you? You would get help with childcare funding etc, I'm sure.

Best of luck. You sound like a damn good mum to me

Your dd is at a difficult age .

I had a clingy one too . All I would say is let her cry . It’s tough I know but she isn’t in danger. If your cooking give her pots and pans on the floor . Use the tv to get stuff done or I found nursery rhyme songs helped . Also do get out the house every day if only to the park it breaks the day up and gives her fresh air

Have you got a travel cot? You could put it up and put DC in it with some toys while you cook, at least you know everyone is safe and gives you space

Your a very caring mum, you can do it. Things will get easier as your daughter gets older. It's hard without friends and family but don't give up. Good luck.

Hi Oh sending you a BIG hug! You are doing an amazing job, I don't know how you do it on your own! I am a single mum too, but lucky to have family nearby to help, I can't imagine how tough it must be to be doing everything on your own with no restbite!

It is easier said than done but don't forget to give yourself a big pat on the back and keep saying kind things to yourself in your head because you are doing the hardest job in the world and on your own! Make sure you are doing lots of small acts of self care throughout the day, listen to a podcast, wear a nice perfume, have some chocolate and a glass of wine at the end of the day. I love watching youtube channels when my daughter goes to bed, like Amanda Muse, as it feels like connection to the outside world!

I also like to have a 'uniform' for myself to chuck on every morning so I don't have to think about clothes, and I've found a new style of wearing all black, with a black hairband and some lipstick which makes me feel 'coping' every morning. I also out Harry Belafonte's 'Jump in the Line' and 'Day-O' song on and dance every time I want to throw in the towel, which seems to help and my daughter loves it.

I totally sympathise with your clingy daughter! My daughter is 17 months and still breastfeeding, and I find her clinginess hard too. I don't have much advice as I get really frustrated with the wingeing too. I use a petite star traveller playpen and the TV a lot for my daughter when I want time away, which I find great as it is double the size of other playpens.. she does cry a lot when I put her in there somtimes but she calms down if the tv is on. I also find if I try to speak super positively to my daughter, even when I feel really frustrated with her, I feel better. But it is soo hard! Sending big hugs to you!!

It feels like I'm writing some advice for myself, as I struggle daily with being a single mum, and losing contact with my old life and friends (my mum is the only person I see really). I have regular breakdowns where I feel totally alone and cant see how it will get better... but I just wanted to write to say I hear you, and you're not alone! Don't forget you are the world to that little girl, all children want is their mums, so be kind to yourself!

It sounds like you are a really kind and caring person, with a lot of love to give, you should be so proud of yourself for getting this far! I'm sure it will get easier when you find a bit of time for you. You are totally allowed to feel you want to give up, but don't forget how amazing you are for doing the hardest job in the world and on your own! You have inspired me as I often feel like the only person in the world being a single mum and breastfeeding. You are amazing xxxx

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I have been a single mum of 2 for 2 and a half years now after their dad died. My youngest was only 6 months old and my eldest was only 3. So they are 2 and 5 now. I can honestly say it was the hardest years of my life but once my 2 year old was old enough for playgroup it became alot easier. Even just one morning a week and that would give you a few hours to yourself. Are you working? If not or if you are on a low income you could get 15 hours for playgroup. If she is clingy the playgroup should have procedures in place to help her settle. My daughter cried for 6 weeks before she settled and now loves it. It's horrible to see them cry and leave them but it will benefit both of you.

It is easier to work than look after young children it really is!

At least you would get a 'break'.

Op. I FEEL your pain. Huge hugs and big supportive feelings being sent your way.
I breast fed my dd for 4 years. She woke every half hour sometimes and I was a walking zombie. Age 2 the tantrums and demands on me as a mum felt overwhelming.
PLEASE let me reassure you as quickly as they hit this unreasonable age /demanding phase they grow out of it just as fast.
Being alone is added pressure. Once you can put your child in nursery for the couple free hours a morning (it will come soon) those couple hours to yourself are BLISS and things from there start to become bearable.
I admire what you’re doing. I know where you are coming from. Please don’t lose hope and sight of how fast they grow and change and it WILL get easier with just a little bit of time to yourself. You will find yourself again xxxx 💖

Dont have much to add to the above hun, but you are not alone... just try try try and remember its just a phase and this will get easier! Not sure why ppl say the newborn stage is the hardest... toddlers wipe the floor with that. Good luck and hope life gets easier for you x