I need some support

[1Eleven1]

Hi,
My husband and I have been together 15yrs years and have 2 kids (7&4)
He told me a week ago that he's met someone else and hasn't been happy in our marriage for a while and it's over and he left. It's been a massive shock, and I'm not quite sure how I've made it through the week, but I have. I've made sure He's still seem the kids and spoken to them everyday, despite how I feel about him.
He's clearly had time to think about this, where as I'm still picking myself up from the floor. He's looking to rent a flat close by so he can still see the kids. I've never had to think about the kids possibly not living with me and I feel ill even considering it. And I think he expects that I should have an idea of what it should look like and I'm not in a position to make that kind of decision. He's suggested he has 2 over nights a week, and has requested days to fit around his new partners child free days (!). Now, I just don't know how I begin to even try and make sense of all of this. I've told him hecan't introduce the kids to her anytime soon as that's not fair on them, but I now don't trust that he won't do that. He said he wasn't going to ask for 50/50 as he knew I wouldn't want that (and I have a feeling it will cramp his new lifestyle), but I'm worried that it will be thrown back in my face. I work part-time/term time, so I do all of the school pick ups and drop off and school holiday care. He works full time Monday - Friday.
How will life ever be normal again? How do I make this all ok for my kids and bearable for me?
I don't want him back, I'm not harbouring those feelings. And he is a nice dad to the kids. But right now, I don't know which way is up and I don't know how I do all of this. I thought I was ok, but the reality of the kids not sleeping here every night is just too much.

I feel your pain and however yours is so raw. I’d tell him the children need to adjust to the fact you no longer live together, which is a huge change for them. Start by him having them over for the day and then slowly introduce the nights.

Sadly you can’t stop him introducing the new partner. But hopefully he’ll see sense and keep her away from them for awhile til things settle down. In my experience that didn’t happen but I just had to accept that we both had different parenting views.

Try to look that in the future you’ll be able to do things for you when you have days/nights when the children are with their dad. I know it’s hard to see now but in time you’ll enjoy your you time. Take up a hobby, exercise is always great for the mind when things are tough.

I know how it feels, I’m 3 years down the line and my children are 7 and 3 and sometimes I get upset when I walk past their empty bedroom. But I know they are having fun with their dad and the cuddles and kisses when they get home are the best!

Big hug to you x

Big hugs to you, this will still be very raw and the shock overwhelming. If he had respect for you, his children and the situation he has caused then he would allow time for all to adjust. But as he has left someone else, I can guarantee he will not be as that was thrown out the window when he cheated.

He will want everything to suit him, the fact he wants his days to fit around the new partners child free days to suit him speaks volumes.

You need to look out for the kids and what is best for them. How are they taking it? Where is proposing to have these 2 overnight stays? Does he have his own place or will this be at new partners? If at new partners then they will have a strange environment and strange person thrust upon them. Also as he is working his nights to fit with her child free nights then presumably her kids will be in the picture to??

All very full on for your DC, and I would say you and they need time to adjust. You will have to pick your battles to avoid things escalating into full grown war but I would suggest when things settle to get a court order in place with some solid arrangements so everyone knows where they are at.

Life won't be normal for a while, but you will find a different type of normal. One where you wont be wasting your life on a cheating a$£hole. One where you will be able to focus on your children, and hell, one where you might get two nights to yourself to whatever the hell you want! You will miss DC but you can spend some time focussing on you.

So sorry this is happening. In a month or two, you will need to spend some chill time on your own to think & try to de-stress.

But for now, think practically. Are both your dcs at school? If he wants to have them over night during the week, is he doing school run? Morning & evening? Does the older one have any clubs that would need working around?
Does he have a flat with two bedrooms?

Is he capable of looking after them? I know this sounds daft but my ex didn’t realise he had to bathe 3 yo or clean his teeth.
Does he realise he will have to help dc7 to do homework?
What do you want? I’ve done this and you will want a weekend off fairly frequently so you aren’t always stuck at home. I asked for 1 weekend a month to begin with. This is not all about what he wants.

Thanks all. It's been an absolute rollercoaster of a week. I'm very grateful to all of my friends who have rallied round!
I've been angry, and hated him, then missed him, and been terrified, and this weekend I've been really sad for our family.

And I've decided (for now) that I can't change what has happened. And whilst I'm really hurt, and hate how it's ended. . . I don't want it to follow us forever and impact the kids. We still care about each other (I've missed his sense of humour the most) but we weren't really in love anymore. I do think that could have changed with some hard work, but he doesn't, and I can't change that, and that will always make me sad.
We had a talk, I cried and we had a hug today, and we both want what's best for the kids, and to not hate each other. We've agreed that we want to support each other, but we can only do that if we respect each other and are sensitive. We're both good parents. I was just so scared having to think of everything at once. I don't think we'll be going for drinks together. . . But we can be civil and still share a sense of humour and we both love our girls

I'll probably be back to square one tomorrow, but it's easier this afternoon than it was this morning

He's renting a 3 bed flat nearby and moves in in a week or two. We're just going to muddle on until then and then talk some more

My partner has recently left us again. He was never one to work at any problem that came our way and openly admits he would rather walk away from problems than face them. I just dont know how I’ll ever get over this, the pain gets worse every passing day. I don’t want to spend time apart from my children, I didn’t choose this. It isn’t fair. I don’t want to feel so lost anymore, I want my children to have a family.