Is this parental alienation? What can I do about it?

[Wetwashing00]

Backstory:
My 10yr old DD lives with me. I broke up with her father when she was 18 months due to dv.
He has always seen her regularly, although routines & dates have changed a lot due to no court order in place. He has been in prison 2/3 times.
We tried mediation after his last holiday with HMPS a few years ago. Contact was re-instated on the first session and since then he has gone back on everything we agreed to try and keep things civil between us.
We don’t get on, we don’t agree and it is his choice to not communicate with me regarding our DD unless he is forced to by me.

I have always known that he says things to our DD behind my back, mostly talking bad about me & my fiancée, a lot of encouragement to disrespect my fiancée who has been her stepdad since she was 3,he gets her involved too much in our discussions about contact/parenting.

The issue that has flagged everything to me was a conversation between my DD & her dad.
He was asking what presents me & her stepdad had bought her for her birthday, my DD was only
Mentioning a few items and each time he was saying what else? What else? Is that it?
He then asked her to group everything together and take a photo then she can take a photo
Of everything he is buying her on Friday to compare. She refused and the conversation moved onto something else.

In the heat of my anger I did text him and ask if it was a competition but I got no response.

This is obviously just 1 incident but there are many more that have happened over the years, some of you may remember my posts about my daughters behaviour towards me & her stepdad.
I watched a YouTube video about parental alienation and the 3 warning signs are already present in our household.

What can I do about this?

It’s a US thing and hardly recognised in the U.K.

You can’t control what he does (and he sounds difficult) just like he can’t control what you do.

I would ignore him, don’t add fuel to his fire. Hopefully he will bore of it.

Limiting your texts to the absolute minimum is a good idea. Your dd must be wise to him by refusing to take the pics. She will vote with her feet before too long whether she sees him or not.

Absolutely a thing in UK law CAFCASS are just about to launch their high conflict pathway that looks at parental alienation here is their page on it.

He has been doing stuff like this for 8 years now, even though there are quiet periods. So I doubt he will bore of it. We barely speak (his choice)

What can I do about the effect it has on my DD? Her attitude is changing towards me & her stepdad, and she has openly said she doesn’t ‘act up’ at her dads.

Your dd refused to take a picture of the presents. It sounds like she’s aware of his attempts to manipulate her. I’d ignore his actions and your dd will see him always trying to cause trouble and push her to do things she isn’t comfortable with.
Children “act up” where they feel it is safe to do so. Your dd knows that she can have the occasional hissy fit at home and you’ll understand and support her. She obviously doesn’t feel so secure at her dad’s.
Is her attitude changing because she is growing up a bit?

I don’t know if it’s just growing up or if her dads words are making an impact.
She is very disrespectful towards her stepdad in particular, her dad has told her for years that she doesn’t have to listen to him, he’s not her real dad etc..

She doesn’t like to spend a lot of time with us as a family
(me,my partner & her brother) often opting to stay in her room.
She has screamed at me to go to her dads when she doesn’t like the discipline/punishment, she said it’s much better there.

She ear-wigs a lot on adult conversations when we are not aware, if I’m discussing something her dad has done or said to me she gets very defensive of him. The sun always shines out of his arse but I am a horrible/mean mum.

My ex has told me for the past 8 years that our DD will tell me one day that she doesn’t want to live with me anymore and I will have to deal with it. It’s slowly turning true.

I would speak to a solicitor .

However from your side you need to make it clear she is part of the family. Family evenings . Get out all together .

You need to actually never talk about her dad when she is around . I have a child who listens in so I either message people or wait till he is out

How do I make it clear that she’s a part of our family? We don’t do anything to make her think she isn’t.

She has always been included in everything but is choosing to spend more time in her room than with us.
Trying to get her to spend time with us usually results in a tantrum because she doesn’t want to and a stamping back upstairs.

In regards to speaking to a solicitor, no crime has been committed so I doubt they can help with anything except maybe charge me a stupid amount of money to send a letter warning him of his behaviour.
Even then he would just laugh it off.

Family meals and outings, just insist she comes along. She’s eight, she doesn’t make the decisions. And she’ll have a good time once she’s out. Grit your teeth

She’s 10 and she usually sulks, moans and whines to go home the whole time we are out.
Everyone gets fed up and it’s more stress than it’s worth.

It isn’t that you are doing anything wrong but have to counter act the effects of her dad .

Does she ever get a choice in what you do as a family.

DVD night . Play games.

What is she doing in her room ? I am wondering w it is phone which at 10 should be limited

Wetwashing - nothing of any use to say but thank you for starting this thread. I was looking for one as I’m in a similar situation with 15 yo DS. I think the advice so far is good

It sounds like such a difficult situation. But if you have spoken negatively about your ex without ensuring she wasn't listening, it could seem very much a two way street to your DD, with you both criticising the other.

She has a phone which I monitor the use of.
She is doing a number of different things in her room, reading, drawing, writing,making slime.
When we can coax her downstairs to do something with us or just be in our presence she seems to purposely cause some sort of aggravation. Taking a toy off her brother, cheating at a game or not letting anyone sit in the sofa.

I don’t exactly talk negatively about her dad but he threatens & swears at me a lot so she over hears me telling her stepdad. I’ve taken to just texting him even if she’s in the room, but she has taken my phone to read them all before I’ve realised.

I don’t want to get off topic too much, but given what I overheard about the presents I’m assuming he says more things to her that I
Don’t know about. I know she refused to take the photo but it feels like certain other behaviours and attitudes towards me & my partner are influenced by my ex.

You both need to protect her the toxic relationship you have. It sounds exhausting for her. Don't let her read your texts, that is totally inappropriate.

@heartsease68

Can you explain how to protect her from our toxic relationship?

I don’t LET her read my texts. Can you please read my posts throughly before commenting.

I read your posts thoroughly. You seem to think your DD has magical powers that she does not have. As her parent, you are capable of (and obliged to)
(a) not talk about your ex in her hearing. That's her dad you're talking about.
(b) lock your phone and not allow her to look at it.
Simple.

Having had a 10 year old who thought they had a right to know everything and stropped about her dad etc. I have the following rules.
Everyone in the family treats everyone else with respect. I respect her I knock before entering her bedroom, I talk to her politely, my DP does the same and we expect DD to act in the same way there are sanctions for being disrespectful.
My phone is my phone I am an adult and only with my express permission may you look at or use my phone. Snatching my phone from me to look at it carries sanctions.
There are certain pints of the day where you are expected to be part of the family meals, certain trips and chores. If you choose not to act as a member of the family you are reminded of what everyone looking after themselves looks like so Mum doesn't wash or cook for you.
Any discussion about ExH between DP and myself happens away from the house and DD. For example on a dog walk, in the car without DD. We never ever discuss him where she could potentially over hear me.
Sanctions include removal of devices, reducing or stopping pocket money, reduction/stopping of events specifically for DD.
Reading 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex to town' was very helpful. And I use the advice of recognising small acts and thanking her for them. Preteens and teens crave attention and the easiest form of attention to gain is negative attention by acting up. You try to preempt that by giving them small amounts of positive attention very regularly.
DD is now 14 she is respectful and polite most of the time ( she is a teenager after all).

@heartsease68

As I previously mentioned I do not speak about her father in a negative way in her hearing. It’s not always possible to leave the house to have a chat when 2 children are home, but things still need discussing when threats have been thrown.
A lot of effort is made to ensure my DD doesn’t hear, she doesn’t always hear but a few times she has sneaked outside the office to earwig, opened her bedroom window to hear us in the garden and once or twice she had stolen my phone without my knowledge (she has memorised my password without me knowing)
Not so Simple when a child
Is going to these lengths without your knowledge until they are found out!

I think this proves that I am not allowing or letting her hear or read anything.
There is only so much hiding of her dads behaviour I can do.

Regardless of what I do my end I still cannot control what he is saying to her EOW without my knowledge.
This is what I need help with.

@Lonecatwithkitten

Thank you for the book
Suggestion.
Most of the stuff you advised we do already.
I find the first day back home from her dads to be the worst day, and I seem to spend all day re-setting her.
Attitude, behaviour, manners & respect seems to have disappeared.

Yes I agree totally about the resetting. I have that book but never read it, so just pulled it out for later.

I wish I had something helpful to add OP, other than you are not alone.