LOs dad a cocaine user

[keeliejj]

Hi everyone. I've never posted on here and new to the site. I hope I'm posting this in the correct talk topic. I'm using the app. So I have been a single parent since my son was 4 months old. He is now nearly 15 months old. I will give you a brief backing story and then move on to the matter at hand.
My ex was getting himself in to a lot of debt issues and dragging me down with him despite the numerous offers I and my family made to help get him out of the debt. We lived in a small flat whilst little one was very small and it was our goal to get ourselves out of there before he was 6 months old. We were rejected on four different houses due to him constantly getting him CCJs. He then developed a gambling problem, and that as well as his stupid party ways not stopping, I decided to move out and leave. The social housing got me a lovely house, only it ended up only being over the road from him. This wasn't a bad thing seeing as I thought he would easily be able to see his son whenever he wanted. We set a Wednesday for him to have him for the day and my house has always been offered to him as open, meaning that he can pop in and see him or take him to the park etc whenever he wants as long as we are home. He has NEVER taken me up on that offer and has always been happy to just stick to the set days. Despite my efforts, he had never wanted to make an effort outside of that.
So recently, it has become apparent that he is using cocaine a lot. He was a recreational user before on the odd weekend. he would disappear sometimes on benders throughout my pregnancy, even though he promised he would give it up. He then stopped when out LO was born but then since me moving out he has been doing it more and more. Anyway, he's been seen my a mutual count me of friends taking cocaine openly in the day time, in the week in a restaurant. He denied this. But as more allegations came in from people whose thought I should know, i confronted him about it. He made my life hell for accusing him of such things and demanded that I drug test him for a month on each Wednesday (his set day) before we hand over and then once I see that he is clean for the four weeks he can show me he's drug free. So the first time testing him was two weeks ago. He weed into a pot in front of me, came back positive, demanded a re test, did it again and came back positive. So I allowed him at my house for the whole day so he could see his son, even though we don’t get on anymore. (During these allegations he was telling me he wished I was dead on a regular basis, wants to kidnap our son, I'm a crap mum and he's going to get him taken off me etc) I was nice and friendly, made him lunch and took him out and about with LO (little one) when he wanted to go to the park etc.

The week after, we went on holiday so he wasn’t going to see him properly that week. However he said he would come and see him the morning we went away so he could see his son, he just never showed up.

Today he was supposed to have him again providing he produced a negative test. This morning he text me sayIng he doesn’t feel well and asked to Change the day. I had already scheduled some work in and said it needed to be today as normal. I asked him to come to mine for the drugs test and if he passed it then I would drop him and LO (little one) back at his (he doesn’t have a car at the moment, he crashed it and just didn't get it fixed).

He came round, didn’t want to hug LO and was acting very bizarre. He then stood in the bathroom with me watching and clear as day pulled out a small pot and tried to pour it in the piss pot. In front of me. Openly tampering with the test saying it was going to fail and that he needs to “make it right”. Evidently came round to my house on cocaine. (Sweating and being weird) Openly tampering with a test in the hope that he could take LO away on his own.

I’m disgusted. He offers nothing to my LO (little one) at the moment and I have ALWAYS tried to encourage a good healthy relationship between them both but a line has just been crossed today and I now feel like, when is enough enough?

My mum has offered to do supervised visits at her house for a bit but I’m in two minds. I want LO to see his dad. He loves him so much. But I don’t want him being around LO when he has so obviously got a drug problem.

He’s spiralling out of control and is totally off the rails at the moment. He was kicked out of his flat for not paying rent. Not he's lodging and hasn't paid this weeks rent and on the verge of getting kicking out. He had been stealing from the family business and now had that taken off him so he has no Job. He's literally losing everything. And this was a once very respected, intelligent, hard working guy. I feel sorry for him but he’s just so disgusting to everyone and pushing everyone away.

All he cares about is cocaine. And has straight up said he won’t atop doing it but insists he only uses on Friday, Saturday or Sunday nights. Which I think isn't on anyway with being a father. This has been going on for months this back and to about drugs and me trying to get him to stop at weekends but now this is so much worse.

Do I go for supervised? Or do I withdraw contact for a while and hope that makes him get some help drug wise?

I don’t have a dad. Never have. And my family is small. I don’t want him being estranged from his dad but i also don’t want him being around that.

Please help

I would actually get legal advice . If you accept supervised it may become more difficult later to stop contact. Be careful you also aren’t making it to easy for him

If his son isn't reason enough for him to stop taking cocaine then I'd tell him where to go! Taking cocaine as well as the verbal abuse he's given you is reason enough to stop contact in my eyes xx

First, well done for thinking about what is best for your son. You're clearly bending over backwards to try and ensure that your son gets to maintain a relationship with his Dad, but that it is done in a safe way. That is exactly the right attitude to have.

My suggestion would be to organise supervised contact. It does not sound as though your ex is safe to be around your son unsupervised, and he has shown that he is not to be trusted given that he has tried to doctor drugs tests. So you are right not to allow unsupervised contact.

In terms of how it is done, I would strongly recommend that the supervision is by a third party, and does not happen at your home. While it is important to maintain the relationship between your son and his Dad, you should not have to tolerate abusive behaviour in order to make that happen. Your mum may also be a bit close to this, to be a viable supervisor. You could consider his family to provide supervision, but only if you trust them to provide meaningful supervision and to intervene if your son is at risk.

So I would recommend supervised contact at a contact centre, or by a trusted third party. That protects you, while allowing your son to continue having a relationship with his Dad.

If you aren't already doing so, document everything that is happening. A contemporaneous record will be very important if you do find yourself dealing with the courts at any point.

If you haven't done so, ensure that the school / GP are aware of the issues with your son's dad. Being seen to work with safeguarding authorities is very important, and ensures that you have the full weight of officialdom behind you for the steps that you take to safeguard your son.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice so far.

In terms of speaking to the GP, this has been advised before. But I'm worried that they may get social services involved? What are your thoughts on that?

Thank you