I don’t know what to do

[user1494270143]

Hi,

I am a single parent and have been since the day I found out I was pregnant. Long story short my ex left me when I told him I was pregnant, I went through pregnancy/birth alone. He then got in touch when my DS was here, I let him see him because I trusted what he was saying, he was begging me etc and I thought I should give him one chance. As my DS has gotten older he has got less in touch, and doesn’t see him much. He moved away also when I was pregnant so lives a good 5-6 hours away.

There have been many occasions where he hasn’t turned up, turned up hours late, only seen my DS for no longer than an hour as he has plans with friends, refused to pay me any CM etc. However he has not been in touch, asked about our son or asked to see him in around 2 and a bit months. I didn’t want to reach out as why should I. But now has sent me a message out of the blue asking if I can FaceTime when I’m on holiday this week and that he would be very grateful.

If I’m honest I’m absolutely fuming. I’ve given him chance after chance and yet he still acts as if being a parent is just a “when you can be bothered” thing. I don’t even know what to do. I’m so scared if I refused him seeing DS that he’d take me to court. Since DS was born he goes out all the time and does drugs, I don’t trust someone like that around my son and we agreed I would always be there.

I’m just sick of it all. He is so manipulative and always turns everything back on me. How do I deal with this situation? I just don’t know what to do for the best any more 😢

How old is your son now?

What kind of parent refuses to contribute to their child's welfare? If I were you I would contact cms immediately. I would not be happy allowing a regular drug user near my child. As he has been so inconsistant with contact do you really think that he would bother with court ordered contact. That would require effort and from your description of the ex, he doesn't sound motivated.

Oh I'm so sorry, this is a horrible situation for you. I am afraid I am not writing with a solution, just some sympathy for what must be a very frustrating and painful thing to have to manage. I am thinking of my childhood and my Mum being in a similar situation. I really understand that you want to do the right thing for your son, but that his Father is making this very hard.

Does he have any reasonable family members that you could speak with? If so you could get their help? And implement a very boundaried plan that works in your son's best interests?

I'm sorry, I'm sure you have tried everything, hence reaching out here. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for your messages, my son is 7 months old now. So I understand that he doesn’t have a clue yet.but I’m just worried about when he does know.

I have spoken with his family.they didn’t find out until I was 36 weeks pregnant! They didn’t say much, they’re just bothered about seeing their grandson, but they don’t realise it’s so hard on me.

I told him he cAnt just care when he is bored, he said I don’t need to know if he cares and he asks his brother how he’s doing all the time. I hardly ever speak to his brother so what would he know! It drives me mad and I find myself getting so angry about it all when all I want to do is forget about it all 😔

Well he certainly hasn’t got the hang of his fathering role has he!
I agree that at 7 months your little one doesn’t have much of a clue at the moment but as he gets older it will have a detrimental effect on him.
The father still has some time to sort himself out. Have you had a discussion with him and explained that if he carries on being such an intermittent father figure that this will have an effect on your sons emotional welfare?

Facetiming a 7 month old???

He can fuck off,

But do open a child maintenance claim.

Ughhhh I'm not surprised you feel so angry! It's appalling! Neither you or your son deserve this kind of treatment - but I get that he's the Father and so potentially, you are gonna have him in your lives forever.

Again, I am sure you have already tried it but I would say some reeeeally firm and clear boundaries get put in place, and early on (which is why is so good that you want to address this now while your son is still a baby). Something along the lines of 'for our sons wellbeing and so that we can maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of our son, you need to either make an effort for him and bond with him regularly, or not at all. Please tell me how regularly you will be able to see him (this needs to be consistent going forward) and from there we can make a clear plan in advance that suits us all.'

If he is able to come up with something reasonable you could share the plan with his family (who I'm sorry, don't sound too helpful) and yours? Just so it's a 'problem shared', if he does end up messing around. Furthermore, if he can't even agree or commit to something so simple (and why the f wouldn't he want to!!! To see his son!!) the I agree with some others in the thread - goodbye!

But I think it will be good for his family to know that you are trying from your side - otherwise god knows what yarn he'll spin them. How about this brother of his? Since your ex is saying he asked his brother about your son - could this be a way in to talk with him about this? Not in a outwardly complaining way - just stating the facts i.e 'he's said he checks in with you so I thought I'd update you about how our son is doing / what hopes I have for them seeing one another moving forward' etc...

Btw, I fully understand you may not want to have much to do with your ex and so all this may be irrelevant. Just in case you wanted to cover every angle....

Ps I just saw what you wrote about him taking drugs - sorry I missed that. Hmmmm...so the access needs to be with you present (ugghhh) or a grandparent maybe?