Ex refuses to agree to a routine to see the kids

[Nursejackie1]

I have tried for 2 years now to get ex to agree to set times to have contact with our kids. I have been to mediation where the mediator tried to convince him it would be best for the kids but the arrangememts he agreed to lasted a few weeks.
He no has set shifts so cannot use that as an excuse.
He leaves plans to the last minute. He brings them back when he decides he "has things to do" which is often after a couple of hours. He spends alot of time in my house which i have tried to stop but believe me he is unbelieveable to deal with.
I work full time, every other second is looking after my kids. One is a toddler and still wakes alot in the night and to be honest im exhausted, at breaking point and the only break i have is when he decides to turn up and have them for a crappy amount of time. Its never enough to do anything i need to.
When i doscuss it with him he just throws insults at me twisting it into a different conversation. He says he cannot commit as he gets tired and doesmt know if he might have to work on his day off. I am asking for one day. He is treating me like i am asking the world...apparently i am nasty and selfish for wanting set times.
If it helps explain things i am sure he has narcissistic personality disorder and years after splitting up is obsessed with having some control over my life.
I do not want to spend money i havent got going to court to get him to agree to set times.
I have cracked and told him until he decides a reasonable and fair routine he is no longer turning up to see them when he feels like it.
Is there anymore i can do? He is walking all over me still.

Was meant to say he does work set shifts.

You’ve given him what he wants, time to sleep, relax and tell everyone your the bad one.
You need to set a plan out, email it to him. Allow some small changes. Like Tuesday instead of Wednesday etc. Then the children need to be ready by the door, and you need to push the out and close it ( obviously in a nicer way) don’t let him in. He’s not allowed in the home at all! Or your report him!!! No more games.
If he misses times or visits write it all down, only communicate through email. Facts not opinions.
You need to ignore him unless it’s emergency when the kids are with him. Turn the lights off and just chill, lie tell him you had to go somewhere as he’s meant to have them until x time.
My ex did this because he would drop them off at my mum who wouldn’t know what was going on, but she soon stopped. Also I would say but he doesn’t look after them properly or that they don’t like it and she said that’s because he doesn’t make an effort and you letting him get away with more him time. They are both your kids so children have to learn to deal with it too, others you get sick, stressed and more grumpy and that’s not good for children either.
Don’t let him push you around, treat him like a child! If it gets to the point he doesn’t both and carries on then you give him less time.
I hope he’s paying CMS too.
Take care of you too

A family member had a similar situation. She stopped contact when they were toddlers, before the children were old enough to know that dad was messing them around and to stop them getting upset when plans fall through last minute. She told the ex the door isn’t closed and he was welcome to agree to a set schedule and she would work with him but the in/out of their lives wasn’t an option. The children haven’t seen their dad in 5 years and that’s sadly unlikely to change anytime soon. I’m not sure if there’s anything else you can do but good luck and make sure you take care of yourself

Not much you can do if he is determined not to accept responsibility I realise, and I get it that he will blame you if there's no contact so that lets him off the hook. Two possibilities that worked for a friend in a similar situation: 1. she involved his family and his mum put some pressure on him and helped him by letting them all come to her house (much more fun for the kids); 2. she got a proper contract drawn up for two days + overnighter each fortnight (Saturday/Sunday) so she's not stressing out every single week and the occasions he does do as he's supposed to she gets to have a proper break. It's certainly not perfect but it is better than it used to be. Good luck. It must be so frustrating/exhausting.

I'm with troubled on this.
If your dc's are young it maybe better to allow contact to stop. Sporadic contact isn't great for your children or you.
I had a similar situation with my XP and he did stop seeing them when they were small. I think we're in a better place than other families I know who have problems with contact.

Thank you all for your replies. You have reinforced and added to what i know i need to do. Its invaluable to me because after years of having my head twisted with all the mind games he has somehow made me doubt everything. Its like i'm in a virtual reality when i'm dealing with him...all logic goes out the window its absolutley mind bending. I will absolutely be following your advice.

And he does pay maintenence. He messed about with payments after starting an argumant and said he's not paying. Leaving me short on rent. So i got onto cms and every opportunity he gets i am reminded of "how i couldnt wait to get onto cms" "its just what you wanted" etc etc. Its soul destroying .

You have done mediation . So tell him dc will be available ..... times . If they aren’t ready don’t open the door . If he misses contact document and tell him next contact is ..... don’t react

Going to court is pointless for this he won’t stick to it . It simply enforces you to make him available not him turn ip

Keep posting. People here will see the pitfalls in your mails. My rule was literally one sentence per mail. Everything simple. Or bullet pointed if it's more than one point.

Post your mails, people here can comment.

Send it off.

Decide when or if you will read responses. Once or twice a week only. So maybe start with one or two weekends a month. Sat am to when ever.

If he fails. Next month one shorter period.

If he fails, one brief visit.

Then just ignore it all. If he wants to see them he can take it to court or mediation.

You need to write a history in the meantime. With times he's had the children as compared to what was agreed.

This sounds a lot like my ex. And like troubled said, I allowed contact to stop. Instead of me pressing him and pestering to come and see my DD or arrange a solid contact arrangement. I stopped and we have barely heard from him since. An event in particular did spark my decision to do that which involved safeguarding my DD, but even so, I realised the only reason he had stayed in touch with his child for the 8 years since we had split was purely due to my nagging!

And like the OP said, its exhausting and draining, because during those 8 years I was entirely made out to be the bad guy. Trying to ruin his life etc he was also to busy with the latest gf, or whatever new toy he had got himself, motorbikes etc to commit to seeing her regularly and like OP would then keep it brief because he 'had things to do'. I saw the hurt it caused my DD but I believed she should have contact with her father so I pushed and pressed and nagged him.

DD has now not seen her father for 2 years. And had no contact during that time, no phone calls, no birthday cards etc. I contacted him about 6 months after I gave up on him to see why there had been total radio silence. He said 'its too much hassle because of having to deal with me, if DD wants him she'll come find when she's older'. My heart breaks for my DD but she is taking it in her stride, now 12 and so much happier and settled for not having an inconsistent parent drift in and out of her life.

I would never actively encourage people to cease contact with a parent, but if you have taken all reasonable routes to try and arrange something and have been constantly met my barriers then you need to stop seeing it as your responsibility. It is his, if he can't be bothered then let him drift away, because he will. He will blame you, but your kids won't.

I'm in same boat.
My ex refuses to give set dates and thinks it's reasonable to ask the day before if he can see him the following day. He never has a plan, just expects to come round or at most take him to mcdonalds 😔 even at 9:30 in the morning.
At first I tried to accommodate him and if I was free I'd meet but then it became too much, I work full time and sometimes he'd even ask to see him on a week day knowing unsuitable as I'm at work!
He has days off, never thinks to tell me about this is advance and will contact half way through his day off once he finds himself bored.
It's been a year since he has seen his son and my son and I are tired of the inconsistencies.
The door isn't closed but like user said encouraging the relationship has resulted in nothing but setbacks. I will gladly open the door once he can give me a week's notice, with a time and place...not unreasonable at all.
Please keep us posted as curious to know how u manage to resolve it (if you do at all).
If you don't like me, find peace in knowing that we can and are doing a good job! ❤️

I'm currently in this position but a bit of an odd way.... we live together still because I cannot afford to work hey (dd is 9 months old) there is a 6
Years waiting list on the council anddd I can't get him to agree to times so I can get a job myself .... he always tells me to F off and get a job and get out of his house! But I literally can't! We have been in separate rooms for 3 months now and nothing has improved. He absuive towards me and never gives me a break it's heart breaking and deep down I still love him very much. We went to stay in a hostel and my dd ended up in and a and e as did I! Because the serious mould spores made us both have allergic reactions! Very serious for such a young baby and because we couldn't stay there for the sake of our health! They said we had made ourselves intentionally homeless and now won't help us again.... this man has spat in my face and threatened to beat me to death ( I know he wouldn't but the words hurt even so!!) what am I supposed to do !!! There doesn't seem to be a way out!! I've spoken to every help source you can think of and there's no way bar winning the lottery and buying a flat for us to leave this house it's terrible! No family or friends that can accommodate us it's so sad I'm so upset. If anyone has any advice plz plz tell me because I am lost xx

If he would just have her for 3 days a week I could get a job and in 6 months time I would be able to rent somewhere myself! I would have to work for 16/17 hours a day on those 3 days but I'd do it!! Xx

obsessedpoas you need to be approaching charities like Women's Aid to help you if you have had threats made against you. Or the Citizens Advice Bureau as they will be able to argue your case to the council especially if there are medical records to prove why you couldn't stay there. Hope that helps, sounds awful.