What happens when it gets to court?

[PepperAndPops]

I'm worried sick about this as Ex H and his girlfriend want to take me to court, rather out of the blue but they are the type that love the drama rather than just talking like adults.

Anyway, I am clueless over this and I don't understand how it all works and what happens. I know we have to do a session of mediation first but not sure what happens after that and what it's like in court etc.

What exactly are they taking you to court for? Yes mediation first, possibly more than one session. Are you allowing contact? Is it regular enough for ex and child? Does ex pay maintenance? Need more info before I can give any answers

Are there any safe guarding issues?

How old is the child/children?

Kids are 9 and 10. Not denied access.

Our agreement was one full weekend a month (straight from school Friday until School on Monday) and one night during the week. (He lives right by their school, I live 20 mins away from school).
He stuck to the weekend part once and then never bothered again and just had them during the week for the one day.
They have a 2 bed flat with 2 kids already so my girls sleep in their living room on blow up beds that I had to provide as they were not providing them. So they don't get to sleep until late and then get woken up early.

This is what's been happening for the last 18 months or so. Before that he was useless, barely any contact, would go 6 months without seeing them etc. It's been since he moved in with new GF that he has bothered. She has a child from a previous relationship and they now have a baby together too.

He hasn't paid maintenance their entire life other than the odd payment here and there that CSA/CMS managed to get through deductions of earnings but once they get one, he leaves the job and it tends to be up to a year before we get anywhere as he knows how to play the system.

No safeguarding issues. Although he can be a bit useless and not put suncream on, let them stay up all night and they come home exhausted etc. But nothing too serious.

He has been unemployed for the last year ish as has his GF. I've asked him a few favours when I have been held up and struggling to get back in time for school run etc. Every single time they say no (2 adults unemployed and live next to the school) and are now using this against me as they say I'm "always changing things" when it was literally a few occasions and was mainly because I didn't want the kids upset being the last one at school or whatever. I haven't asked him to change his days at all and have never cancelled on him or anything like that. Even when it was my birthday they went there without me saying anything.

He then got a job a few weeks ago, and messaged me saying something along the lines of; "I can't do Wednesdays anymore so we will be having the girls every other weekend starting from x, we want a rigid agreement where there is no room to move dates"

I have said I don't think this is suitable due to the sleeping arrangements and the fact that he hasn't been able to stick to his one weekend a month, and the fact that we already have plans on certain dates as this has come out of the blue and we plan ahead, especially for the summer holidays.

I have offered the following:
One day every weekend
Or
Stick to the one weekend a month for 6 months and then look at increasing it.
Or
Every other weekend but one of the girls at a time so they both get more attention at both houses. The girls don't get on well and are constantly at each other or fighting.

As well as unlimited access to them after school if he wanted to.

He has said no to all of these and have said it's every other weekend or court.

Kids are 9 and 10. Not denied access.

Our agreement was one full weekend a month (straight from school Friday until School on Monday) and one night during the week. (He lives right by their school, I live 20 mins away from school).
He stuck to the weekend part once and then never bothered again and just had them during the week for the one day.
They have a 2 bed flat with 2 kids already so my girls sleep in their living room on blow up beds that I had to provide as they were not providing them. So they don't get to sleep until late and then get woken up early.

This is what's been happening for the last 18 months or so. Before that he was useless, barely any contact, would go 6 months without seeing them etc. It's been since he moved in with new GF that he has bothered. She has a child from a previous relationship and they now have a baby together too.

He hasn't paid maintenance their entire life other than the odd payment here and there that CSA/CMS managed to get through deductions of earnings but once they get one, he leaves the job and it tends to be up to a year before we get anywhere as he knows how to play the system.

No safeguarding issues. Although he can be a bit useless and not put suncream on, let them stay up all night and they come home exhausted etc. But nothing too serious.

He has been unemployed for the last year ish as has his GF. I've asked him a few favours when I have been held up and struggling to get back in time for school run etc. Every single time they say no (2 adults unemployed and live next to the school) and are now using this against me as they say I'm "always changing things" when it was literally a few occasions and was mainly because I didn't want the kids upset being the last one at school or whatever. I haven't asked him to change his days at all and have never cancelled on him or anything like that. Even when it was my birthday they went there without me saying anything.

He then got a job a few weeks ago, and messaged me saying something along the lines of; "I can't do Wednesdays anymore so we will be having the girls every other weekend starting from x, we want a rigid agreement where there is no room to move dates"

I have said I don't think this is suitable due to the sleeping arrangements and the fact that he hasn't been able to stick to his one weekend a month, and the fact that we already have plans on certain dates as this has come out of the blue and we plan ahead, especially for the summer holidays.

I have offered the following:
One day every weekend
Or
Stick to the one weekend a month for 6 months and then look at increasing it.
Or
Every other weekend but one of the girls at a time so they both get more attention at both houses. The girls don't get on well and are constantly at each other or fighting.

As well as unlimited access to them after school if he wanted to.

He has said no to all of these and have said it's every other weekend or court.

Kids are 9 and 10. Not denied access.

Our agreement was one full weekend a month (straight from school Friday until School on Monday) and one night during the week. (He lives right by their school, I live 20 mins away from school).
He stuck to the weekend part once and then never bothered again and just had them during the week for the one day.
They have a 2 bed flat with 2 kids already so my girls sleep in their living room on blow up beds that I had to provide as they were not providing them. So they don't get to sleep until late and then get woken up early.

This is what's been happening for the last 18 months or so. Before that he was useless, barely any contact, would go 6 months without seeing them etc. It's been since he moved in with new GF that he has bothered. She has a child from a previous relationship and they now have a baby together too.

He hasn't paid maintenance their entire life other than the odd payment here and there that CSA/CMS managed to get through deductions of earnings but once they get one, he leaves the job and it tends to be up to a year before we get anywhere as he knows how to play the system.

No safeguarding issues. Although he can be a bit useless and not put suncream on, let them stay up all night and they come home exhausted etc. But nothing too serious.

He has been unemployed for the last year ish as has his GF. I've asked him a few favours when I have been held up and struggling to get back in time for school run etc. Every single time they say no (2 adults unemployed and live next to the school) and are now using this against me as they say I'm "always changing things" when it was literally a few occasions and was mainly because I didn't want the kids upset being the last one at school or whatever. I haven't asked him to change his days at all and have never cancelled on him or anything like that. Even when it was my birthday they went there without me saying anything.

He then got a job a few weeks ago, and messaged me saying something along the lines of; "I can't do Wednesdays anymore so we will be having the girls every other weekend starting from x, we want a rigid agreement where there is no room to move dates"

I have said I don't think this is suitable due to the sleeping arrangements and the fact that he hasn't been able to stick to his one weekend a month, and the fact that we already have plans on certain dates as this has come out of the blue and we plan ahead, especially for the summer holidays.

I have offered the following:
One day every weekend
Or
Stick to the one weekend a month for 6 months and then look at increasing it.
Or
Every other weekend but one of the girls at a time so they both get more attention at both houses. The girls don't get on well and are constantly at each other or fighting.

As well as unlimited access to them after school if he wanted to.

He has said no to all of these and have said it's every other weekend or court.

Likely he would get eow and a night during the week as this seems to be standard.
And its f all to do with gf so don't be communicating with her!
Keep a diary and make notes of all times he has missed. Stop asking him ANY favours. I asked exh to bring some nappies ONCE and he played in court I couldn't manage the dc alone! But he will be expected to provide more suitable sleeping arrangements.

Not working = no money for court so I think it could just be talk. There's no legal aid for these things anymore unless there's domestic violence. Also, every other weekend sounds reasonable, which can be sorted out at mediation. On the grounds he arranges better sleeping conditions for them, and also things you have planned are taken into account. Also, what do the children want?

Keep a diary of every time he doesn't turn up or changes plans at the last minute. As ready has said, DO NOT ask for any favours

He's a selfish arse. If weekends aren't working due to sleeping arrangements then ask him to sleep in the lounge with his GF & they have the bedroom? I'm just thinking the court might ask why you're letting them go for sleepovers there at all if its not suitable, & it doesn't sound suitable at all. I would say to him you are worried about them not getting proper sleep & can he swap his room with them when they stay? Or make sure they are able to go to bed at normal (for them) time. You are right to be sceptical as he hasn't managed the overnight arrangements before. Just to clarify, are they staying at his at all at the moment? Or is it just daytime after school?

If its daytime after school then no. I wouldn't up it say he can ttigger mediation & you'll go. A court will not look at an application unless mediation has been tried (unless he can prove that the children are at risk of harm which they aren't so..). Either you or he can do this - you normally get a session free. Beware though, if he doesn't work he will have ongoing free mediation & if you're over a threshold earning you won't & its bloody expensive. Google family court mediation & your local service will come up.

I think what you're offering is very generous actually. Aparr from anything else girls need privacy at this age for sleeping etc especially the older one, she won't be getting it at his if she has to sleep in the lounge.

I don't think he can provide more suitable sleeping arrangements unless they were to move house. They have a baby in with ExH and GF so I don't think swapping rooms is an option.

They did at one point sleep in her sons room but I think it didn't work out because a) he is year 7 and male. B) they didn't get any sleep c) he has Autism and I think he wasn't coping with it or something. Not entirely sure.

He was having them overnight one night in the week but since he has this new job he has said no contact in the week from now on.

So basically now there isn't really an arrangement in place since they changed this.

When me and exh split court wanted to see pics of both houses and where the dc were to be sleeping, if he needs to move then he needs to move. When the ones he has living there ft get a bit older he won't manage space anyway.
See a solicitor for a free half hour.

So would they not award EOW with current sleeping arrangements?

Yes I did agree to sleepovers before and I wouldn't say I'd rule them out completely but I think EOW for 3 nights is a lot of time spent on the living room floor on blow up beds and major lack of sleep. I'd say it's definitely affected their school work and mental well-being as they are knackered.

DD2 has Been under assessment for Autism too and we don't yet know the result of this, but I do think she has ASD.

I would speak to their teachers, see if they can help regarding commenting on paper about behaviour /attention span on the days after they have been at df's. School can be a great support throughout court!

Bet they think theyd be rehoused somewhere bigger if they had the kids more.

That diary I mentioned, back date it to when you first split, clarify in it exactly how often he has had the dc. Fishface is on to something in their thinking!! Don't let a court think he has been a 50/50 parent if he bloody hasn't!!
Keep receipts /utility bills to show you provide day to day expenditure on the dc.
Get receipts from school for lunches if applicable.
He can't put a claim in for any benefits if he can't show he does such things himself.
You need to get organised op!!

I think the main reason for wanting EOW is that it will reduce their maintenance payments, which doesn't matter much to me as they never pay anyway but I guess there thinking is that he could then stay in his job and not need to pay much.

The thing that makes me angry about that is that I've already agreed to take the minimum amount, and to put a hold on the arrears (£10k arrears on our child maintenance service account) so they would still be there but he wouldn't have to pay them for the time being, so that he can afford to pay the minimum amount and keep working.

How do you do a diary going back years? We split when they were 1 and 2!

May have to be vague then!! But simplify how /when he had them. Excuses he made not to that sort of thing. Any concerns you had /have , changes in their behaviour etc.
My exh tried to counter claim for our ds's and fortunately I had lots of evidence in my favour and he didn't get it.

Good idea. I will write it all down as and when I remember stuff.

There's been incidents over the years that def show that he was a liability at the time but not sure if that helps now? As he has always claimed to have "changed" in the past couple of years...?

Are you able to bring in like a witness in the court? My mum has suggested it as she has witnessed him being a nightmare over the year. Including one night a fair few years ago that he turned up with my girls at 10.30pm when he was meant to be having them over night and just dropped them off in their PJs! 😱

They won't take your mum as a witness as she will have a naturally biased view whatever the circumstances or what she witnessed.

Fair enough i guess