Dealing with a narcissist

[octobersunshine]

I'm really struggling to deal with communications from my ex partner.

In the last few months, he has significantly cut child maintenance without notice, has withdrawn from his Friday evenings with DS whilst I have work meetings leaving me to cobble together as hoc babysitting, demanded another day in place of this, which I have accommodated, and changed his weekend day to suit his arrangements, without telling me and simply failing to pick up DS as arranged.

I recently asked him to reinstate the money he cut because of how difficult this has become. He replies with no reference to my original email, saying how vital it is we work as a team and how he's open to building a positive relationship with each other for the sake of DS.

He's gearing up for court after failed mediation, so I know quite well the purpose of this. Still, the refusal to engage with what im saying and reply with only what he wants to to try and control the narrative and how he is perceived fills me with rage.

I don't know how to deal with this. If I say what is true, I look angry and unreasonable against the emails he sends me. He's trying to back me into a corner. I just find it hard to let this to completely unchallenged whilst his behaviour belies what he says in writing. It's so calculating and manipulative.

Is it best to ignore? How can I respond? I feel so stressed with it all

CMS for maintenance you can do direct pay so no deductions he pays it into your account. It costs £20 to set which is waived if there has been any form of abuse including emotional. If he fails to pay according to their schedule you can go back to them and they will chase.
This removes you from that discussion.
Then regarding contact have all communication via email remain child focused it is important for DC to have schedule and to make them aware in advance of that schedule is going to change. If he then goes to court you have been reasonable, but made it all about the DC (whilst actually trying to gain certainty for yourself).
If he takes you to court whilst you have to make them available for contact he won't be able to dick you about chopping and changing.

But if he does want to chop and charge what happens? Nothing!! So pointless to get a court order except that he wants to control his ex!

I’m in a very similar situation and I’ve started ignoring emails and have gone to cms for deduction from earnings!

Ensure you document everything and reply only in a professional and factual way. Never get emotional in f2f or emails.

When he doesn't answer your original question or request (classic narc!), just cut and paste your original request and write, as per my email on July 5th at 4.02pm, I asked you "xxxx". Please respond to my email by xx or I will take it that you agree/I will proceed as such/I will file court papers etc etc

Big hugs go out to you. Dealing with these men is beyond frustrating. I found The Narc Decoder book really helped me and made me laugh at the utter ridiculousness of their emails.

Oh and it's a total control thing and he is trying to grasp onto any last part of control he has over you (emotional / financial).

He will continue to try to do it even after divorce! They say they are putting the children's interests first but look at their actions and you'll see otherwise. They are motivated by causing you as much stress and hardship as possible.

He can't reduce payments willy nilly. If you have an order he is in breach. If you don't, get one quick because otherwise you're at his mercy.

If he tries to change days, tell him you have plans and it is not convenient. You need clear barriers with him. He is not the one calling the shots but he thinks he is (and he won't even appreciate you for being so flexible) if you keep accommodating him.

Thanks for your advice.

It's making me feel like I'm going mad. He sent a further email after I raised the possibility of him reinstating the money he'd cut saying he was very concerned that DS is always so distressed when he's returned to me from him. And I keep on doubting myself but I know he's never been distressed when he's handed back, and it worries me that he's raised that in writing.

My boss at work has seen how anxious I am and has suggested phoning Women's Aid for advice regarding control and manipulation. Has anyone done this? I'm scared they'll laugh at me because he's never been violent, but it's all so subtle ways of undermining me.

My ex won’t agree to sell the house - even though he hasn’t paid the mortgage for 3 years and have lived there! How controlling is that!!!

My ex won’t agree to sell the house - even though he hasn’t paid the mortgage for 3 years and have lived there! How controlling is that!!!

Super quick reply as eating but please do call women’s aid. They are AMAZING. My ex sounds really similar. Narc, EA, still trying to control me years after we split. Women’s aid made me see abuse that I hadn’t even realised was happening. They will believe you and they will support you.

I would call Woman's Aid. They see this all the time. Emotional and financial abuse is covert but just as damaging.

A friend of mine contacted Woman's Aid when she was living with her narc husband and they put her and her son up in a shelter to get them away from her husband because they know how damaging it can be.

Narcs make you question yourself and do make you feel like you are going mad. But you're not. It's just that you're dealing with a madman!!

You are perfectly fine, organised, logical and a great mum.

Find a way to release the stress (walks, runs, reading etc etc). Over time his behaviour will probably not get better but how you deal with it will and you will be able to laugh at how pathetic he really is.

You are a great mum. Don't ever let him make you doubt that. He is projecting his insecurities onto you.

Whoknows11 that is nuts! Is there nothing you can do due to his non payments? If you didn't cover the mortgage for him the house would have been repossessed!

Sadly not @mumtumwhatever
If I didn’t pay his half the house would get repossessed, something he’d prob want, to get to me!! Sadly it’s looking like another court case 😩

Thanks for all your advice.

I phoned Women's Aid and they were really helpful. She made me feel less like I'm going mad and said the things he's doing should be viewed as a part of a pattern rather than isolated incidents.

She encouraged me to contact my solicitor to discuss options, although I don't know what these are. I just know I can't go on like this. There is no tactic I've done that seems to deal with him. When I give in to him, he says yes it's my fault, and when I stand up to him, he seems to tighten his grip on me. I'm not really living at the moment. I'm existing day by day waiting for his next threat. I'm scared about the implications as DS gets older and more aware.

Does anyone have any knowledge of injunctions and whether emotional abuse is valid to apply?

A lot of people on here recommend the grey rock approach where you just don't get drawn into the drama he is trying to create. It can be a struggle to come out of the shadow of someone who is like this. Try to focus on what you and your child want and need - it sounds like your ex is used to getting his own way no matter what. Your new approach needs to take his preferences off the top spot, the main criteria is your child's needs but yours count too

If you can afford specialist therapy (specialising in narcissism) that is really helpful to manage your response to your ex. That got me mentally through my divorce and afterwards. My therapist would rewrite my email responses to my ex so they were short, factual and professional whilst his were really long, personal attacks on me. My correspondence to him before was emotional, long and I got drawn into his drama and defending myself against his ridiculous accusations which allowed him to control the situation.

Regardless if you can/not afford therapy, get books out on narcissistic men/husbands or read articles. It will explain their behaviour.

Also read articles on how they behave during divorces (it's not pretty). But at least you are armed with knowledge which will help you respond and act with less stress and panic.

Do you have structured contact .

If so it’s a no when cancelled . I would answer that Ds has never arrived distressed and happy at home .

I would never reply to an email immediately and do bear in mind that a judge could be reading anything you write.

Anything not connected with dc ignore.