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Ex collections....advice ASAP please

13 replies

dews9 · 06/07/2018 09:45

Ex lives 120 miles away. 3 hour journey for dcs.

He has them eow and meet half way at a service station.

Here is the problem:

He can never ever tell me what time he can collect them from the service station due to his job. I get a phone call from him (just had one now) every other Friday morning confirming the time.

Sometimes it's at a reasonable time. 5.30. Kids are back at his for 7.

Tonight he's said he can't collect them until 8pm - 8.30pm. That's too late. They won't be back at his until 10pm at the earliest.

Ds is autistic. The travelling alone is too much for him. But to get there so late will leave him exhausted for the weekend. Then he has to travel back on Sunday. He will be so tired.

On top of that, it's unfair that the kids just don't know what time they are going. I never know what I'm doing either.

I understand it's his job and yes he pays maintenance (this is the first thing he says to me when I say the collection time is too late) but he isn't thinking about the needs of his children at all.

I'm just so frustrated. I never know what's happening. Ideally, I should be collecting the kids up from school and traveling straight to the service station. I'd be there for 5/5:30. He would have them home for 7/7:30. They are always so tired by this point but means they get a good nights sleep (though he doesn't even have a bed for them, they share a bed - they are 9 and 7)

Would this annoy anyone else? Or am I being unreasonable? Like I say, I understand it's his job. I totally get that. But it's only every other Friday this needs to happen and we just need a routine that's in place. Not me waiting until Friday morning to know what's happening. Now I have to decide wether it's worth sending them or not. I will send them as I'll never take time away from their dad. But poor ds is just going to be physically and mentally exhausted when he gets home.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 09:49

Maintenance isn’t relevant, it’s a basic responsibility not a stick to beat you with when he’s not happy with you. It’s as ridiculous as you saying “well I gave them their dinner last night!” in response to an argument, so he’s being a twat there.

He needs to give a set time, especially since your DS is autistic, he cannot muck about with timings because routine is crucially important to a lot of autistic people (me and my kids included!).

Once a fortnight isn’t hard to give a time, and if he can’t well he’ll have to drive the whole way won’t he?

dews9 · 06/07/2018 10:01

@SoddingUnicorns thank you! I was expecting people to say I'm being unreasonable.

The problem with him driving the whole way is that dcs wouldn't get back until really late. I don't mind driving and meeting half way - but only at a reasonable time.

Ds obviously needs his routine. He needs to see his dad. As does dd.

I can't win really, if I say they aren't coming then I have to deal with the consequences and the upset.

If I send them, I have to deal with a very tired and emotional ds when he gets back.

He asks every week:

'Are we going to dads straight from school?'

I can never ever give him an answer as I never know until I've dropped them off at school so then poor ds id left feeling uncertain of what's happening and that's hard on him.

Ex works for a courier and says he never knows what time he finishes. The only way he knows is on the morning he gets his route etc. Basically it's his job and I have to deal with it or not get as much maintenance if he goes to another job.

I don't care about the maintenance. I care about my dcs well being

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 10:11

I can empathise, DPs job means short notice (often 16 hour days discovered at 6am), but he (your ex) really needs to work his days off around the two days a fortnight he picks the kids up, I don’t believe for a second he’s tried hard enough.

It sounds like he expects you and the kids to just fall in line and he uses maintenance (again, he’s nothing bloody special, it’s what he SHOULD be doing and therefore doesn’t need a fucking medal or a pat on the head for doing it) to keep you in line.

It also sounds like he has no understanding of the impact on your DS because of his autism (worrying that a parent can be that unaware) and no consideration for either of your children about tiredness and the impact of travelling.

He can’t have it all his own way, that’s not how parenting works.

dews9 · 06/07/2018 10:37

He hasn't. He's the laziest and biggest liar on the planet - mainly why we split years ago.

He honestly thinks that because he pays maintenance, that makes him the best dad ever.

He also thinks it's appropriate to introduce his new girlfriend and her 4 children to my children after only 4 weeks of dating her.

He has no involvement in ds autism, never has done.

Just lately all we have done is argued due to ds just basically going down hill with behaviour and also possible self harming - he was also aware of ds low mood and self harming but has prioritised the new gf over this.

It's like talking to a brick wall with his dad.

But they think he's the best dad ever as he takes them to McDonald's every other weekend....and sometimes....if they are lucky he will take them to buy a new toy.

So yeah....he's the best dad ever :-/

I just don't know what to do about tonight now. I just want them to stay with me. Selfish I know.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 10:40

I can identify, XH (DS1s “dad” sperm donor) is the same. It’s fucking soul destroying isn’t it? That they don’t see the bairns in front of them, I mean really see them. Paying lip service to parenting while actually doing fuck all, and playing super dad for everyone but the bairns!!!

Mine doesn’t even pay maintenance, not that that’s really relevant.

Crap humans is what they are, I won’t call them men because they’re not.

Ariela · 06/07/2018 10:41

Can you suggest meeting first thing in the morning to make it easier for him and for your kids as it is going to still be hot and it'd be so late by the time they get home DS might be in meltdown? Wheras Sat am they'll have had decent sleep, and travelling early will be so much cooler.

Ariela · 06/07/2018 10:42

(And also it'll give hiom an extra child free night with the GF)

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/07/2018 10:43

Would changing it to Sat morning meet up be better? The dc won't be so anxious about a later pick up and neither will you!!

SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 10:47

Aye fair point about the Saturday morning!

dews9 · 06/07/2018 11:03

Yes Saturday morning is now what's happening - I've just had to cancel my bloody hair appointment though but anyway.

@SoddingUnicorns totally understand. Really feel for you and your dcs. What a twat. Xxx

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 11:05

Hope you can reschedule your hair appointment for Saturday!

Thanks, thankfully DP is an incredible stepdad to DS1 (the other two are his) and is (in a practical sense) dad in everything but name, since he does all the parenting. XH could have, but chooses not to. His loss entirely.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/07/2018 11:05

Make Friday nights your fab night with the dc. .
Df and his flakeyism will be a thing of the past.

dews9 · 06/07/2018 11:08

Oh he also asked

'How long do you think it will be before they don't even want to see me anymore? It's going to get to a time when they would rather play with their friends and I'll be totally understanding of that'

Absolute dick.

  1. Ds is autistic. He has no friends - breaks my heart. He's never once been out to play with any friends because he can't even if he wanted too. - no sense of danger etc. He will also never not want to see you because he LOVES you.
  1. Strange how the new gf has older children.....wonder who's put that idea in your head.

Prick

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