recommended newborn contact with a bullish ex

[nikk19]

Possibly a long post so I apologise as a new member....... My daughter is due to give birth in august, she separated from her ex in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy, a first time mom and living at home, 21 and working, she has purchased everything worked throughout and straight forward pregnancy....her only night time constant on her mind is worrying....she separated from the other parent at five weeks, straight away he was very me me me and I think he would be the sulky you pay more attention to baby type as he was and is by nature. he is a stomp his feet, do as i say, I pick the names, first and surname ect and when they separated ( her choice) he has by admittance become angry, they speak via text maybe once a month, his choice, he has no contribution, and seems to have this opinion that baby is going to fall from the birthing room and straight to overnight visits and so on its very you will do as I say but she has started to speak her own mind...he now has no control over the situation as he has come across as quite controlling...she is spending so much time worrying as she is trying to be as natural as possible, breast feeding, financial preparation, for when she finishes work and is a constant saver.....I cannot find anything on the internet to help her with advice or information on reasonable contact that is best interests, with a new baby, breast feeding, her home and him visiting...as her parents we would find it difficult for him to be in out home visiting for other reasons besides this situation, his living arrangement are a complete no go area also. Any advice that i can pass on would be great, what i am reading right now on family and separation sites seems to relate to older children and not newborns any help would be appreciated.

I’ve had first hand experience of this 3 years ago. Little and often is best, as in little I mean an hour, 3 times a week! No overnights until no longer breast feeding, in my case after 1 years old!
Hope that helps x

I know general advice is to

a) give the baby her surname
b) don't put him on the birth certificate

I think you need some legal advice here and get something concrete drawn up. Absolutely no overnights with newborn, that's crazy, that's when Mum and Baby are bonding. If EBF, no overnights until longer breastfed.

Please get some legal advice before baby arrives.

This is a really tricky subject, and I'm not sure there are clear cut answers. Certainly, you'll find lots of people advising that babies should not stay overnight when they are young. But there are also studies and articles - like the one below - that conclude exactly the opposite.

www.childandfamilyblog.com/social-emotional-learning/parents-divorce-regular-overnight-stays-dad-best-young-children/

Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for the view that the baby should have opportunities to bond with both parents - and that means more than just a few hours a week with Dad. We need to remember that the baby is bonding with both parents - not just with mum. If the parents were still together, nobody would have the slightest hesitation about dad looking after the baby while mum works or goes out. In fact, it is common practice for babies to stay overnight with grandparents too, in every family. Nobody argues that this is a bad thing.

But the minute parents separate, people seem to assume that dad can't possibly look after the baby for more than a couple of hours, without it undermining the relationship with mum. For me, that fails a basic credibility test. Whereas the suggestion that a dad will struggle to form the close bind that children benefit from having with both parents, when he only sees the baby for a couple of hours at a time, is self-evidently true.

So, I'd always start from a proposition that the baby - even when young - needs quality time with both parents. Naturally, breast feeding makes things more challenging - but there are options of expressing, or supplementing with formula, that help to make this a more manageable issue than many (mostly the mums who don't want the baby to spend more time with dad) would suggest.

But different things work well for different families. And, in truth, most of us who became parents discovered that very few of the plans you make before the baby arrives survive first contact with parenting a newborn! So my advice would be to be open to seeing how things go, and adapting as you learn what works for mum, dad, and - most importantly - the baby.

I'm about to have my baby shortly and I'm doing everything without the father.

I live with parents still.

Don't have him on the birth certificate (if you are uk) I think he has to be there anyway.
Give baby her surname

You can look on government websites, for advice and such.

If she doesn't want to be near him - she should have middle person that will be there when he sees the baby.

She can also use gov websites to get what's she entitled to.

Can I just say some supplementing isn't always easy, it can mess with supply and babies don't always take bottle when breastfed also it is a lot more effort for mum as she will have to pump during the normal feed times to keep up supply and to avoid mastitis.