How to deal with abusive ex partner/ baby daddy

[Cjoness93]

Background info; before pregnancy he seemed to be everything I'd ever wanted. During pregnancy the abuse started- verbal, physical, emotional, sexual and financial. This continued all the way through pregnancy, and until we broke up when our DD was 1.5 years old.
When we split, I went to stay with my parents 100 miles away. He then refused to move out of our flat (both on the tenancy), I gave him 6 months to get out before I gave up and requested the landlords took my name off the tenancy as he was racking up bills etc in my name. He's now got me 20k debt (paying it off through stepchange). He didn't contact us for 2 years.

Now;
He contacted me 3 months ago. He promised me he'd change and that he wanted to build a bond with our DD. I gave him the chance to see her, he came and visited. It was lovely, he seemed to have really changed.
He offered me my flat back, so against all my families wishes, I accepted. I moved us back, and for two weeks, he really made the effort with me (not so much DD).
He then began to drip feed me info about what he was up to (drug dealing and fighting again).
I gave him a chance to sort himself out but he didn't. So again, i packed up and moved back with my parents.
I've spoken to him today regarding the flat which is in his name. I agreed with the landlords that I would not be having it as I didn't want it due to his behaviour.

My issue is now I've done what I wanted rather than what he wanted, he's beginning to be verbally abusive again on the phone. He won't talk to me by text, just phone calls.

I do not know how to go forward. I'm thinking that if he continues to contact a solicitor to deal with communication but I literally can not afford it.
He doesn't declare that he is self employed (personal training not the drug dealing) so he doesn't pay taxes or claim any benefits, but has agreed to help pay for our DD. I really could do with his financial help so don't want to piss him off too much..
if I go through solicitors he will not help me.
If I put up with his abuse, I'll be miserable.
If I block him, then I'm awful for not allowing him access to DD.

I just want us to be happy.
Has anyone gone through anything like this?

(I have tried reporting him to the police for the drug dealing but I have no solid evidence so they won't help)
Sorry for the long post
Xxx

Solicitor. It's not worth any amount of money for him to treat you like this. You could ask them about the £20k he has run up in your name as well, just in case (I have no idea how likely this is) it's possible to sue him for any of it or transfer some of the balance to his name.

Don't accept his "help" - it won't be help, it will be a fee - he will believe that it entitles him to all kinds of ridiculousness. This is a control technique on his part.

Let him take you to court for contact if he really wants to - he probably won't bother. Let all communication go through the solicitor, then you can reasonably offer contact as well (I'd defo do this with pick ups handled by a third party, if not via a contact centre - I appreciate you may not have the funds to arrange this, though)

As there has been physical abuse in this relationship, you might be entitled to legal aid to finance the solicitor. Contact Women's Aid, or the Domestic Violence team of your local police (this should be googlable) and ask their advice. Even if you're not entitled to any help they may be able to recommend somebody who knows about the dynamics of abuse. It would also be worth reporting him for harrassment due to his verbally abusive phone calls - this may be grounds to get something like a non molestation order which would prevent him from being able to contact you directly, just through your solicitor.

You can always go to the CMS to claim maintenance from him forcibly once you're in a more stable place, if you want to.

BTW - you might want to repost/ask for this to be moved to Legal and/or Relationships. Relationships gets more traffic (and is excellent in decoding this kind of wanker) and Legal should be able to advise re the debt, legal aid and what you can put in place to protect yourself and your DD.

Good luck :)

I'd also recommend speaking to. Women's aid. They'll be able to help as well.

Thank you
I'll certainly look into that.. xxx

What is he contacting you for . I would move back to your family now . He doesn’t want a relationship with his Dd he wants you back under his control. You been in that flat will help with that.

Ignore any texts that are abusive . If they continue log with the police . You can contact hmrs about not declaring income. But for what he will pay you I would leave it . Also citizens advice can help you with the debt

If you know he is a violent drug dealer why even consider allowing him contact with your dd? I reckon if you asked social services for their advice on this, they would say that knowingly what kind of man he is, that allowing contact with your child you are knowingly putting her in harm's way. My ex had a period where I was concerned about his mental health and I was told that if I had safety/welfare concerns and still sent my child that they would not look kindly on that if anything were to happen I would be held responsible too as I would ha knowingly put my child at risk.

Personally in your shoes I'd write the whole thing off. It's notoriously hard to persue self employed people through CMS, and trying to deal with directly keeps you in the abusive/controlling dynamic.

I would see a solicitor. Have a free half hour (you could do this with more than one of them) and ask about contact with a violent drug dealer, ask about your debts, and ask about cms, make it clear he's self employed.

Tell ex he is welcome to persue contact through the courts, however you'd be asking for supervised contact due to his illegal and violent activities. He won't bother paying solicitors and courts as he doesn't even want to build that relationship. Sadly the only reason he's keeping in touch is to continue to try and control you.

Also, do get in touch with women's aid. They can offer support, advice, and the freedom programme which helps you understand the dynamics you are having to deal with.

The free half hour for a solicitor is not usually to actually gain advice but just to see whether they are qualified to take on your case and whether they can help you. But she might be able to get legal aid due to the aforementioned violence within the relationship.

I have no proof of violence or drug dealing.
He has a criminal past of fighting etc but not much help to me.
I never reported him and didn't know I could just log it with the police. So it's literally my word against his.
He is a compulsive liar and will only pursue this to make my life hell.
I know a solicitor would be the best idea so I'll have to have a look around.
I didn't actually think of speaking to social services either so that might be worth a look at.

Thanks x