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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

ExH punched DS. Feel like a failure.

22 replies

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:35

Bit of background. We have 3 DCs. Dd1 (10), ds1 (9) dd2 (4)

Split a while back and contact has been for 5 hours or so every Sunday. No overnights. The option has been there for him to see them as often as he'd like but he wasn't interested.
He's a functioning alcoholic who had been dry for a round 15m (taking his word on that). Maintance from his has never been steady, £10 every week for a few weeks then nothing etc.

Anyway, Sunday I got a frantic phone all from Dd1 saying that there had been an argument and fighting between DS and ExH and she was really scared so I sped through to go and collect them.

Door opened to a pissed ExH, and 3 very upset kids. I got a barrage of abuse from him, ranging from I'm a shit mum to all I'm after is his money (ha) I never do anything with the kids and I'm a lazy fat cunt. All this said in front of the DC.
I must say I'm pretty proud of myself and didn't react to anything he said in a negative way.

DS told me in the car that him and dd2 were arguing over lego and dad last his temper, screamed at him, called him a fat bastard and said make no wonder you don't have any friends.
DS shouted that he hates him so ExH then punched him in the ribs and winded him. All this was seen by Dd1 so it's not as though he's exaggerated anything.

I've now withdrawn contact for all three DC. I've contacted the police for the assault and have been finally spoken to cms about getting something set in stone (never done it before as he used to make me feel guilty saying he'd not be able to afford to live). DC are all adamant they do not want to see him ever again.

I think I've done everything I need to do. But now I'm stressing. And I feel like such a failure that I've let them get into that situation in the first place. I feel awful that this has happened and I wasn't able to keep them safe.

OP posts:

littlecabbage · 04/07/2018 16:38

Wow, what a horrendous situation for your kids and you. Sorry that you've all had to experience this. Sounds as though you've handled it really well, and that none of it is your fault.

Think I would be very relieved in your situation that kids don't want to see him again. Can your exH override their wishes?

glamorousgrandmother · 04/07/2018 16:39

You did the right thing contacting the police. The children should never have to go there again. You are not a failure - he is, you responded instantly when your children called.

Candyflip · 04/07/2018 16:40

You are doing the right thing for your kids right now, so you are the furthest thing from a failure. Sorry your kids went through that, I am not surprised they never want to see him again. Stay strong.

Daisymay2 · 04/07/2018 16:42

I didn't want to read and run -you were not to know he would be like this, so don't blame yourself. You have put stuff in place to protect them.
Would it be worth speaking to Social Services to ensure that you have back up if he tries to get access again?

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:44

His number has been blocked from mine and Dd1's phone.
His parents are unfortunately backing him up which we found at yesterday whilst they were waiting at school for me, older two have said they won't be going up to their house either now.

I'm worried that there's going to be a massive backlash now and that I've played up to his words that I'm only interested in money by going to the cms 😣

OP posts:

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:45

Yes the police mentioned contacting SS which I'm trying to build up the courage to do.

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PragmaticWench · 04/07/2018 16:45

It might also be a good idea to look into some counselling for your DS and DDs. They may need some support over this. Could their school access any support for them?

Elllicam · 04/07/2018 16:47

You are a great Mum, you are protecting your kids.

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:48

Pragmatic that's a good idea. I've actually got the school nurse's number so will give her a ring tomorrow to speak about some sort of counseling.
Dd2 hasn't been fazed by it thankfully, although she didn't see the majority of it. She's just happy she doesn't have to go to daddy's house.

OP posts:

elephantfan · 04/07/2018 16:48

You should take your son to GP to be checked over and any bruising documented.
Write down everything the DC have reported while it is fresh in their minds.

annandale · 04/07/2018 16:48

Your dd phoned you, knowing you would rescue them. You did that straight away. You have acted promptly, sensibly and comprehensively to protect them in every way. They already knew you would, but now they have proof.

You are an awesome mother.

rogueone · 04/07/2018 16:50

The police will already have reported to SS. You need to contact them yourself as a matter of urgency as this is a serious safeguarding incident.

AlonsoTigerHeart · 04/07/2018 16:50

You've called the police and cut contact you havent failed them, he has

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:50

The police are coming to take statements tomorrow. DS is worried that he's in trouble so I'm reassuring him all the time that that is not the case. His dad is in the wrong, not him.
He's worried they will believe his dad over him.

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rogueone · 04/07/2018 16:51

And I should add you have done everything right and are protecting your DC. The grandparents need to step away from this and you need to leave it with the police and social services.

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/07/2018 16:54

I'll definitely ring them tomorrow as soon as dcs are at school. School have been notified that ExH is not to collect but as he still has PR too the best they can do is hold him off and ring me.

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TheGoldenWolfFleece · 04/07/2018 16:54

You're doing all the right things op he's a terrible father but you are acting to protect your children. It's not your fault that he's done this.

Sarahjconnor · 04/07/2018 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumteedum · 04/07/2018 17:06

You sound like a brilliant mum to me. You've acted correctly. You are not responsible for your ex husband's behaviour. He is.

Pacificwander · 04/07/2018 17:07

Another message of support here. You did everything right you protected your kids when they needed you. Your ex was the failure here you couldn't have possibly predicted his abusive actions.
All his negative insults are also pure projection of his own failings

You've contacted police and listen and believed your children.

And you're correct to contact cms to claim financial support that your dc are entitled to , if your ex can afford to drink then it's at the expense of his own dc.

Solasum · 04/07/2018 17:31

You poor things. Don’t spare another thought to going for maintenance. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to support for your DC from him, if that means he can’t lead the lifestyle he wants, then the onus is on him to find a better paid job.

And his parents should be ashamed of themselves. What possible motivation could your DD have for agreeing that he punched DS if it was a lie? She has nothing to gain at all,but he has a lot to lose. Stand your ground!

Original poster

UpTheBumNoBabies · 05/07/2018 07:52

Thank you for all your kind words and support.

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