Visitation - am I being a mug

[Eesha]

I let my ex visit when he wants on the weekend. He is a functioning alcoholic so we haven’t seen him recently but I always keep the option open so he can see them. There have been a couple of instances where he has taken the odd days off during the week then asked to see them. ITs basically when things haven’t worked out with a date or something. My friend says I shouldn’t make myself so available as we seem to be second choice if a date doesn’t work out, but I just want the kids to see him as much as they can. Am I being a mug? He isn’t the most reliable as drink has really taken over his life so when he does drink, I know we won’t see him. So I take what I can get.

I let my ex visit ds at my house, because he lives more than an hour away and I don’t want ds to spend half his weekend on a motorway. I go out & leave them to it. My ex doesn’t have a key and it’s always arranged in advance. So I sort of do the same thing.
I think you have to judge how far you are willing to go to make life better for dc.

It is none of your friend’s business. She isn’t in your situation and shouldn't judge. If your dc sees their df in a clean relaxed safe environment and you are happy with the arrangement, stick with it.

I don't think you're a mug. I think you're a brilliant mum, who is putting her kids first. I'm sure the arrangement isn't easy (or convenient) for you, but you recognise the benefits that your children derive from maintaining a relationship with their dad- however flawed that might be. That's parenting done right, in my book, and your kids will thank you for it later. As @kingsclerelass said, it isn't your friend's place to tell you otherwise.

Thanks both, sometimes so difficult to know what to do. A lot of the time I think my ex is in a state of disarray, but I just try and keep times available. I have to admit, I do get disappointed when he lets us down but I guess his loss.

My son constantly let my Ds down . It was affecting my Ds that is when I have to do something different .

Is he safe to have children if he is an alcoholic . Why in your home . What if you have plans with the children or they have a party ?

Hi, I wouldn't trust him to have the kids but he is very big on looking like a decent person to others so wouldn't get drunk at a kids party. This is the only way I can manage the visits though he is drinking more and more so I really don't anticipate seeing him much more anymore.

My cousins had an alcoholic father, he was a nice man but had a drink problem, eventually it killed him. Despite his problem, he did love his kids and for kids that's the most important part.
My cousins regretted deeply their dad's addiction, they went through disappointment, embarrassment, loss, but I never heard them resenting him or feeling unloved.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is, if he's a nice person and a good dad when he's there, if the kids feel good when he's around, you're not a mug...

I ended up specifying the day to come as he has said for the last few weekends that he would come for longer but ended up drunk and not coming at all. Sadly when I said just come on the specific day, he got annoyed at being told this and said he wouldn’t bother at all.

Unfortunately that is your answer then . If you are having to bend over backwards he is taking no responsibility at all .

I'm sorry to hear that, at least you tried for your children.