Angry teenage DS

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi all,

Please be gentle, this is all pretty shit and I don't know what to do anymore.

DS is 14. I seperated from his Dad when he was a tiny baby. He sees his Dad EOW.

It's been a very hard 14 years for everyone. We've been through court, solicitors, police, the lot.

Ex has had an injunction against him, been to prison ( fraud), driven illegally ( no licence/insurance) , worked illegally, the list goes on. He has been a knob to DS, used him as a pawn, treated him like a possession. They have a relationship now, albeit, in my opinion, a basic one.

All through it I tried to protect DS, covered up when his Dad cocked up, fought for his rights etc. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Tried to keep arguments away from DS. Everything. It's been a shit 14 years to be frank

Roll on now.

DS has always had an angry temper, we just thought it was one of those things. Tried to get help from school but because he was an angel there they didn't see an issue.

I've always felt that DS knew more about his childhood than he let on, and that some of the anger was about that.

Recently DS has started telling me snippets during arguments. Most minor things that he remembers and has ever since blamed me for. We talk about them, I tell him my side of the story, and why I did what I did.

Basically the crux of it is, he won't have anything bad said about his Dad. He wants to believe it was all down to me. As I said , I'm not perfect, but 95% was to do with his Dad.

I don't know what to do anymore. He tells me he hates me, his step dad and his little brother. Lashes out on us all. Won't talk to anyone, I've offered to get outside help ( counsellor) and it's all refused. He desperately wants me to admit everything that went wrong is my fault

I think he does that as he knows whatever happens I'll always be there. He can hate me as much as he wants, he'll always be my little boy. Whereas his Dad is a much less definite relationship.

I need help. I can't have him growing up with this internal anger and resentment, but I've always wanted to not bad mouth his Dad ( and some of it a 14 year old shouldn't know)

So what do I do? Leave him to continue behaving the way he does? Tell him about what happened ?

His Dad isn't interested in talking about his side ( funnily enough!)

I'd like to say it's just him being a teenager, but it's been like this for several years

Help, please

It's so hard to parent a child that it's soon to become a young man.
They test the relationship all the time as they project everything towards the only person that it's always there.
I don't think you have to set the record straight about his Dad. He'll eventually find out.
It's so hard not to say anything about their father but your son isn't in a listening mood.
I'll suggest you get help for yourself to stay strong and to have someone just for you.
These are hard years but if you are calm and strong you be able to support your son at this difficult time.

It sounds to me like he’s testing you.

Do not agree that it was all your fault because it wasn’t. Tell him that you will explain honestly anything that happened in the past. And point out that you were there throughout it all, will always be there because you love him. Him getting angry at you might piss you off, it won’t make you drive him away.

And then grit your teeth and wait for it to pass. Kids aren’t daft. They know who is always there for them when things get rough.

IMHO and I'm not divorced and had two parents but it seems logical to me that kids should see if their father is useless. If their Dad doesn't turn up be honest, you shouldn't have to own his DDs behaviour or defend it. It is what it is!! He is obvs lacking in parenting skills and you are the one making him look better. I appreciate it must be really awful to see your child let down but that is the reality of his DD.
Sorry if that's offensive. Just an outside observers opinion.
Ps I have 2 DS 13&15 and they can be a nightmare just because they are teens!!

You are right, he is lashing out at you, because he knows you will always be there for him. He can't do that with his Dad. It sounds like he really needs some counselling to deal with this. Is that something you can look into?

Thanks everyone

I have looked into counselling but he said he won't talk to anyone. So I've told him I'm here to talk or get him help whenever he's ready

Could you find/afford counselling for yourself?

I have found somewhere locally, I suppose counselling could help me deal with DS? That's a good idea

yes, thats what i meant. i had a torrid time with teenage DD. luckily a work colleague suggested counselling to me. i was fortunate to access via my employer but i think it costs about 50 quid a session privately. it gave me some way of thinking about the whole picture and developing some strategies and general resillience.

Thanks @AJPTaylor , sounds like a great idea