Separation anxiety in my nearly 7 year old DD

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I decided to divorce my exH last August, he moved out 2 months later, two DDs (both almost 9 &7) live with me in our family home. We both want to remain civil and are in agreement on finances, children etc. Divorce came through at the end of April.

DD2 is really struggling. She's always been quite challenging but this has ramped up considerably in the last 6 months. She is anxious, says she doens't want to be away from me. In recent months she's been refusing to go to school or her gymnastics or swimming lessons. This morning she got undressed & hid under my bed so I had to send DD1 to school with another mum passing by. I gave her the morning at home and told her to go in at lunchtime. She was happy and chatty at home but at the point of leaving me she freaks out. I've decided to just walk away and leave her screaming with her teacher as I know she will calm herself very quickly. That must sounds heartless and believe me it hurts like hell but I'm at a loss of what else to do and I work 4 days a week.

I've tried bribery, gentle coaxing, just letting her have a day off and do quiet home things with me, being firm and physically carrying her to school, distracting with TV (I have to do this most days), have read a book The Explosive Child (useful).

We have a very open relationship and she talks to me about her dad and what's happened sometimes... sometimes she leaves me notes saying she's sad, sometimes she wants to sleep with me, mostly she seems to be completely fine and bubbly. She was sad a few weeks ago that she doesn't have a best friend but otherwise seems to be very happy at school.

DD1 struggles too but doesn't have outbursts like DD2. I just hate to see them like this. There's so much crying at home lately. I'm at the end of my tether and feel like I'm failing them every single day.

Any advice on how I can boost my DDs confidence, particularly how to help DD2?

And now after needing to ask to work from home yet again today my DDs have come home and DD2 has done nothing but complain and shout at me for giving her peas on her dinner. I know... this is motherhood... I'm the adult here. I'm just exhausted and could cry.

I'm sorry you are having the difficulties you are. My six year old is much the same. Ex left 6 months ago. And she seems to be going through a very unsettled phase right now. The tantrums and crying seems constant. And I too have had to leave her crying with a teacher or childcare and bedtime.

I can only surmise that she isnt able to verbalise the worry/anxiety she feels. That Dad left. How do I know you won't leave too. Also I'm clearly not at my best. But I'm trying very hard to be sunnier. But it is feels so fake I'm sure she sees right through me.

It will pass. Maybe I'm ten or twelve years time.

Hi Eve thanks for your message and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Sorry too that you're going through a similar situation. It really sucks. It really chimes with me you saying you're trying hard to be sunnier... that's me. I think you're right about her not being able to verbalise how she feels. I'm so sad for them, having their world ripped apart like that.

Stay strong... 10 or 12 years hmmm... it sounds long but 9 years has already flown. I hope by that point we're both looking back at how well our girls turned out.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time - that does sound very difficult. A few suggestions, from having a daughter who was 9 when her mum and I split, and who found it very hard.

1. Consistency. From your description of how you have tried everything, I'd say the one thing to aim for is consistency. At the moment, she sees that sometimes kicking up gets her time off school and alone with you, and sometimes it doesn't. So, from her perspective, it's always worth trying! I'd say take advice from experts on techniques, and then aim for consistency in how you respond to these incidents. Hard, I know, when they're so upset!

1. Talk to experts. Have a chat with the school, and / or with your GP. They can put you in touch with people who can provide support, and they can also ensure that extra support is provided to your daughter at school when she needs it. Those experts can also have really, really helpful advice on techniques to use with her when she's upset.

1. Role model positivity. Hard, when you are worried about how she will react to things. But kids do pick up on adults' moods, so she needs to see that you are positive about time apart, and she needs to hear a consistently positive message. There's a balance to be struck between being so positive that she doesn't feel heard, and seeing your mood drop to match hers, which will just add to her worries.

1. Enlist dad. It sounds like you have a relationship where you can work together, so talk to him and agree how you'll handle things between you, so your daughter gets consistency at both homes.

1. Try different hobbies to boost her confidence. Doesn't matter what it is - dancing, horse riding, gymnastics, football, absolutely anything. The more time she spends getting good at something she loves, the more her confidence is going to grow. If you and dad can be there together to cheer her on, so much the better. Help her to understand that divorce is not the end of the world - her family is different to how it was. But it's still a family. She's still safe. And you both still love her more than anything in the whole damn world.

1. Keep listening. It sounds as though you're doing that anyway, but lots of time with her. More listening than talking. She won't always need or want solutions - she will just want to be heard. Don't expect to get far with a discussion while she is upset - that's the time to just support her. The heavy lifting will be done while she is calm and happy, in the conversations that happen then.

Hope that helps a little. If it reassures you, my little girl is 11 now, and she is a child transformed. I've spent two years focussing on her (and her older sister) to build their confidence and insulate them from the fallout of the divorce. We've ridden horses, been whitewater tubing, climbed mountains, been kayaking, been on high wire treetop things, done open water swimming, been karting, and about a hundred other things! Unfortunately, it was just me, as her mum is a little less than co-operative! And some of our daughter's confidence issues stemmed directly from her mother's behaviour (long story). But all that effort has worked - she is a truly amazing little warrior princess these days, and I couldn't be more proud of her. So it works . Good luck to you.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad has it absolutely right. My DD was 8 when her dad left and she showed similar behaviours. What she needed to know was that I was a constant and that I was not going to leave.
She found her thing, musical theatre and this is her focus. She has recovered her self esteem and grown in confidence. Now at 14 she is a confident, hard working young lady who I am immensely proud. It was worth all the investment in sticking to my guns and insisting that whilst I knew she was upset she still had to behave in an acceptable manner.