I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but even still it's a long one!
I have three children 8,11 and 15.
5 years ago I fled the home I shared with their dad due to feeling in immediate danger after a row which looked likely to escalate into violence. For context, the 16 years we were together he was emotionally abusive and controlling. I am a lot younger than him, he was my first relationship and I didn't really understand what was happening until the few years leading up to me leaving.
My mistake was that I didn't report this (and previous incidents) at the time. I was too scared. In hindsight it would have saved many of the problems I face today.
So here we are now, me and my three children suffer with mild to moderate mental health issues. My youngest son and my daughter have high anxiety, both me and my eldest son suffer with mild depression and anxiety. We are all under the GP and getting help.
After a lot of legal advice, families first intervention (I'd contacted Social Services on 3 occasions with concerns about my children's well-being in their dads care- they said it was a Families First matter as it was down to me to protect my children), police intervention and meetings with their schools and GP's, it seems that I have no hope of having full custody of my children. I have been told that while the situation is far from ideal, it is not enough to stop their dad having access.
After all these years of battling, although I'm not happy with it, I have accepted there is little I can do. While the children are still nervous of upsetting him and walk on egg shells around him, they still love him and still choose to see him. My ex has got better in some respects (a little more patient and less shouting then usual) but there is no doubt in my mind that he is still contributing to their mental health problems.
My latest concern is my 15 year old son. We live in London and as anyone knows it is not the safest place for kids. However, my ex will not allow my kids to be anywhere without supervision. He takes the eldest to and from secondary school, will not allow him out with friends, will not allow him to get a haircut or go to the corner shop on his own etc.
Now this looks like it comes from a place of love and worry - but it is not. This is the man who dragged my daughter through a car park on holiday and told her he'd leave her there to die (she was playing up), the man who mentally abused his kids with fat jibes, withdrawing affection and so on.
It simply is down to the fact than their dad I believe, has undiagnosed mental health issues. He has lost his job, lost his friends and sits in 7 days a week watching YouTube videos of conspiracies etc (he makes no secret if this btw) he doesn't trust the government and thinks they are poisoning our children. Therefore he will not allow them to be immunised, or have there fingerprints for the biometric ID at schools
He fuels my daughters anxieties by telling her extreme views of what's 'really' going on in the world and not offering her information in which she can rationalise it in her mind.
Anyway, back to my 15 year old..
He wants to have. Normal social life. He is so far a very sensible and well balance teenager who has never given us any reason to worry.
I said to him, that on the days he is with me, if he wants to walk back from school or go out with friends, so long as he keeps me informed than he is allowed. He said he won't relax as if his dad finds out he will go mad. Therefore he said he has to accept he can't do these things. I told him I'd tell his dad that I give my consent on my days, therefore he does not have to lie. But he panicked and said he feels to nervous.
I'm so sad for my son. He is missing out on important social skills and a childhood because his confidence is knocked and he is too scared to stand up to his dad. It breaks my heart as I look at him and see me (when i was with his dad) in him. I'm also fuming that his dad still gets to control everyone including me. He is effectively making it so that the only one with true authority as a parent is him.
What the hell do I do? My ex is unreasonable to the point that he will not listen to anyone, will dismiss any facts I may point in his direction etc. It simply is his way only.
The school, police, GP, CAHMs, Social Services and Families First are all aware of the history. I feel like I've nowhere to go now.