Moving on from contact arrangements- teen

[stressedoutfred]

Hi all,

I'm sure I posted about this before but can't find my post and can't remember what everyone said!

Those of you with older children- how / when did you move on from a contact arrangement? Make it more flexible for an older child who's needs have moved on?

DS see's his Dad EOW. There was a contact order in place but we've moved forward massively from that so it's fairly irrelevant. DS is now 14 and has in the last year wanted to spend more and more time with his friends and going to parties etc

Ex is very unwilling to work with this. He's always been of the opinion that it's his weekend and it's tough luck to DS. I've broached the subject of how we're going to deal with DS getting older and wanting more of a say about his life, but i just get told it's tough, it's my weekend to decide what happens.

DS wants to see his Dad, of course he does, but he also wants to be a normal teenager who is out with his mates. Half the problem is he goes to his Dads and they don't leave the house. He doesn't want constant entertainment, but it sounds very boring. So I think DS resents having to give up seeing his friends to see his Dad.

Dad lives 50 miles away so seeing friends his weekend is not an option.

Ex won't do anything additional to EOW- there's no option to say he'd come and see him after school. I think they talk/text each other.

I feel like I'm stuck in a hard place. I want to stick up for DS as I feel he has a right to have a say, and if I don't stand up for him, no one will . However I'm also conscious that his Dad could feel hurt about it all, and I'd feel crap in his shoes ( although I'd make a lot more effort than he does!!). His Dad is a twerp to be honest, but he's still DS's Dad.

Any help in how to deal with this would be great.

How does your older child now manage contact with their NRP?

Thanks

Well, the weekend is for the contact needs of the child, NOT the parent. So someone needs to disavail Dad of this notion - he's wrong.

There is NO requirement for contact to continue EOW whatsoever.

In case of my two, DD had already stopped going all the time for a variety of reasons and now sadly she hardly sees her dad - but he is only supportive of contact which is entirely on his terms at his house - he wouldn't for instance if it was the only way of seeing DD, come up to where we live to see her (hence he's not had the pleasure of her company at his house since Xmas last year...).

DS however who is older and more confident navigating the UKs train network goes pretty much still EOW. Again, if he said 'dad I wish you'd come up here', he wouldn't, DS has to go see him.

We also have a fair distance as well and it's one of the reasons DD gets stressed going there - she feels so far away and she can't just say hey I've had enough of the weekend I'm now going to hang out with my mates. As you say, it's not possible and they're then 'trapped' there unable to get home until Sunday evening.

Yes he's your son's Dad but if he's a mature adult (apparently not, my XH isn't either) he will understand that the nature of contact will change and that is HAS already changed. Your son's needs come first and he needs your support to put forward an arrangement that will work for him first, his dad second.

I’d let your DS do wants to be honest. His Dad can’t force him into a car at his age.

Let DS make his decisions over when to go for contact weekends. If Ex takes it back to court DS will get his say! By then he would be likely 15 anyway.

We both had children when we married.
My daughters dad moved abroad with work when she was 16.
Can't remember how much time she spent at her dads by then. She had her own mobile and was out a lot anyway so it was up to her.
She did go over for some lovely holidays during the summer when he had emigrated.
My step sons I think were 15 and 16 when they stopped coming, though the youngest moved in with is for a year when he was 17 and the eldest lived with us for 3.5 years when he was 27.
The son should be able to choose and be treated like the young adult he is becoming. That's the healthiest way.
Good luck.

Thanks everyone