Access problems - advice desperately needed.

[mortip]

Okay, here goes. I left my husband a year ago because he became violent towards me and I couldn't cope any more. There has been a lot of toing and froing over the past year, but we have finally made the break and I thought things were settling down. He normally comes to see the kids here at my place - he has no suitable accommodation for 3 kids - but that is problematic because he is either bitching at me or trying to get back with me. Anyway, I am happy for him to come and stay any time to see them. he rang me up last week and asked if he could take the kids away on holiday for a week with his girlfriend of 2 weeks with her kids - and I said no. I just think that it is waay too soon to be doing that. He is now ranting that I will never let the kids be with him - this isn't true - I am happy for the kids to meet his new woman - but I think it is too much too soon. I do worry about him having the kids for any length of time though, because he has very little patience with them, and three young kids are a handful on his own. Would welcome any advice from others on this - am at a loss as I have him threatening to break off contact as I am being controlling - but I am honestly just trying to do right by the kids. Please help!

woah thats a biggy! no way would i have let them go away with him and his new partner. I think perhaps he may need to be aware of the differences between his new and past life? It seems a bit soon for such intense contact with a significant other? I would question his motives and be very wary? You know he can be aggressive and leopards dont change their spots. If he chooses to withdraw from their lives perhaps it is his problem? I'd avoid becoming embroiled in any heated debate about the rights and wrongs. You seem to have been totaly reasonable about letting him spend time with them. i would let him spend time with them supervised by yourself or one of your friends/ relo's to be sure that he behaves appropraitely. I dont think you are wrong to be concerned.

Agree with chloeb. You sound as if you're being very co-operative regarding him seeing the children but I think he is asking much too much much too soon.

am not sure how to read your post- he has only been with his girlfriend two weeks ? or he is going away for 2 weeks ? sorry - confused !

mortip, i allowed exp to have dd for a weekend. i was worried sick those few days, and when she came back, she had a cold. (i live down south and hes up north, so it takes about three hours to get from A to B). I told him he's not having dd at his house (no matter how many times he asks) because I think he is just not responsible enough and that dd doesnt know him well enough to spend a lengthy amount of time with him.

in your case, he sounds very much like he is using his kids to an extent, as in when hes threatening to stop contact, but if he really loved his kids, he wont be able to stay away. You have the main say as you're the main carer, so if you dont want him to take them on holiday, say no and theres nothing he can do. just say that if he spends more time with them perhaps you'd feel better about it sometime in the future.

sorry if not much help. xxxx