How do you bite your tongue?

[Froglady99]

I’m looking for any advice on how you stop yourself saying anything negative about your DC’s father. I really want I encourage a healthy replationship for them and have maintained this for the last year. However now I think my spirit is being beaten down. I just want to scream out the truth. Today I have been faced with being told ‘I want to spend more time with Daddy’ and that they think I stop my DC seeing their Daddy. Daddy is a typical Disney Dad- day trips etc sees them 4 nights a month and really not keen to have them for further nights. Just sits them down with an Ipad. Doesn’t do any of the hard jobs day in and day out. Any advice appreciated

How old are DC?

6 and 9

My health visitor, doctor, teachers, nursery staff... everyone involved with the kids have always said 'always tell them the truth. Don't hide things and don't try to protect the other parent.

I don't know if that's right or wrong... But thats what I've always done. Just tell them the truth. Dad doesn't want to have them for more nights.

That makes a lot of sense Rocinante and it exactly where I feel I am at now, I need to tell them the truth.

Yep the truth plus asking them questions such as "Why do you think Dad does x?" Or "What do you think weekends would be like with Mummy if you lived with Dad" - they will amaze you with their correct insightfulness. It's also good to given them their dreams in fantasy.

A great book is "How to listen so kids will talk, and talk so kids will listen"

Hi, i have been limited how much i have been able to remain neutral, as DD has worked most of it out for herself, and formed her own opinion.

IME, speak at a level they can understand. So, at their age, tell them daddy doesn't have any more time to spend with them - it's a neutral statement, but tells them the truth at the same time.
I had many people telling me to 'tell them the truth' when my dc were younger. It's true to a degree, but at the same time this is their father you're talking about. Your children should be able to have a relationship with him if they can (beside the fact that he might be an arsehole - my XH is!)
I'm a great believer that children will work out who does what in their own time - my dc have.
You might have to bite your tongue here and there, but your children will never be able to say you spoke badly of their father, and that is a valuable thing. The closest I have ever got to it is 'you know what your dad can be like' - they know exactly what I mean, and that I understand and support them.
It comes in time...Good luck.

X-posts with dlnex!

I have got that book randomMess, thank you for reminding me of it. I read it a few years ago when I was in the perfect nuclear family (I thought) I will re read now with a totally different perspective. Dlnex I think we are only human and staying neutral is not always healthy for us as primary carers as it invariably paints us in a worse light

Some of it can all be in the tone you say it...

"I want to see Dad more", "That would be lovely, have you asked him?"

Thanks for your wise words mineofuselessinformation, I definitely wouldn’t want my DC to think I speak badly of their father and would hate that to be their childhood memory. If only we could see into the future and see our DC grown up and well adjusted!

That’s a brilliant one randomMess

I just try and stay neutral. With yes that would be lovely if he could do that.
I don't say anything negative. Ex is doing a great job of that all by himself.
Just keep it light and non committal. Not always easy I know.

Be honest with your kids, ultimately you're not so much protecting them from the truth about their dad, but instead protecting him from being seen for who he really is by your children.
Don't slag and bitch about him, I know this can be difficult when you're annoyed and frustrated with how he is and how the children are seeing him, but this will end up with the kids at first thinking you are being mean about their dad, however if you're honest and matter of fact then they'll eventually see the reality.

I'm talking from experience as my DM used to protect me when it came to my useless father, but as I got a bit older she had enough of covering for him and would be honest with me, whilst making sure not to bitch about him. It wasn't long before I started seeing the truth myself and eventually I'd had enough completely and cut off a relationship with him by 13.

I think it is important you tell them the truth but it has to be factual, devoid of subjective emotion and above all age appropriate.

They don’t need to know everything about the bad things, but you need to say the things in a way that you can build up on those truths as they grow up.

For example, the answer to why he doesn’t want to see us? Is not “because he us a pathetic selfish arse that only thinks about himself” or “he DOES want to see you, it is just that he is very busy lately”. The answer is “I really don’t know what is going on his mind nowadays but I can assure you, you are wonderful and it has nothing to do with you, it is just the way he is sometimes” and distract (ice cream, game, walk, whatever)

Great advice Eve, summer and Notsure. I will take heed of everyone’s posts. They will all help to keep me sane!