Hello. First post here, be nice.
I count myself, broadly, as a feminist. That is to say, in my case, I have a genuine heartfelt belief in equality across all spheres and in all directions, where at all possible and practical. As a white man myself, I fully agree that men have had privilege for thousands of years, time immemorial, and entirely see the that erosions of these is seen by certain types of man as some kind of victimisation, rather than a simple move towards equality. I feel it can be seen across our society, this 'hard done by' thing many men feel, and believe it's reflected in our politics, retrenchment to supposed tradtionalism etc.
It is hard, then, to ignore what I feel is the one sphere that men usually get an awful rap in, and that is family matters. I don't, in most ways, think white men have a leg to stand on when they talk about bias. In general, even in cases where they may feel things are unfair, even if there is a minor argument of merit, it's simply a small issue, and unlike anything ethnic minorities, women, LGBT etc groups have had to face. When it comes to one's children, though, it ceases to be a matter of injustice that doesn't matter because this demographic 'has it coming' or something similar. Children transcend all things and place this issue separate and universal.
I'll be honest. I had some hesitance about joining because I have read threads in the past where it has felt - and I use that word deliberately - that a lot of people on here are essentially anti-father, or at least the sentiments run so strongly against men for some individuals that it feels quite intimidating. I'm sure the same thing can be levelled at many men. But I do believe this is a big issue and an important one for contemporary society, and frankly it's exemplified by this being called Mumsnet. I fully understand the context and background, but I guess I just believe that, if society really does espouse equality, the ideal would simply be Parentnet - at least moving forwards.
I must confess: I wonder about all this because I feel I'm in a terrible position with my children, and cannot but feel it is because of my gender. Boohoo, you might say, but again - if we ignore gender, or if this was happening to a woman, I believe the boohoo-ers might feel different, and that isn't right. The more I have read about the current 'justice' system, the more powerless and depressed I feel about any chance I may have to address my situation. I also feel very vulnerable as I'm told [by some genuinely objective, people, including a mediator!] that some solicitors etc. advise women to lie about their exes in order to 'win' in court situations. All that I've seen in the last year leads me to believe my ex is not at all the person I thought she was, and is capable of anything, including the classic do-not of using our child as a weapon. Ultimately, it is due to the actions of men in the past and too many Weinsteins of today, but there seems to be a genuine unconscious bias against men in this sphere.
Imagine a pilot. White man, middle aged, for most people.Unconscious, unintended to be harmful, bias. Imagine a single parent. Chances are, that's a women. That may be the social history, but there's no reason for it now. And a pertinent one - how many assume that I must somehow have been a bad dad, or a bad person, to have found myself in this situation? Or that I am simply bitter, or jealous, or somehow not simply invested fully in my children with a heart that breaks as much as yours would if simply being excluded due to someone else's selfishness?
A perfect example is that I - as a young man - saw those Fathers 4 Justice guys climbing up Big Ben or whatever, and you know what? I remember thinking 'Well, mate, you shouldn't have cheated on her, or beaten her up, or been an idtiot' - that kind of thing. This was me, a man, assuming that the man must've DONE something to deserve being excluded from his children. Isn't that something? Again, for anyone still boohoo-ing, I say this - thisisn't about man vs woman for me, at all. I don't at all defend the sexism that has and does exist in society towards women. I just don't think an appropriate response is spite and cruelty in some kind of perceived justice-by-revenge. All I've learnt over the last few months are things I simply can't believe are allowed to be the case in this country, and can't believe that people allow it - particularly those calling themselves feminists. I honestly had no idea things were the way they are, to the point that 88% of men being given 'contact' in court is considered inherent proof of fairness (including those limited to phone contact), or that even a mediator doesn't think it's madness to freely tell me that I might have to simply accept a situation that isn't fair or, arguably, best for my child.
If it was you, would you be ok with someone saying "at least you see your children..." or "Some dads don't see them at all!" Believe me, this is no answer to fundamental injustice, and in my case, and for my children, I fully believe that's exactly what this is. Would the Pankhursts have been placated by "Hey, at least we don't legally own wives any more..." I don't think so. And before you say "it's not the same" - I fully agree. But equally, this can't be an issue that is marginalised because society doesn't see it as big as a social issue - because, again - this is my children.
Sorry for the ramble. And if you say I'm angry - yes, of course I am. I am distraught and bitterly disappointed in people and astounded at how things are, and how little importance society puts on it - particularly those people in society for whom this status quo is beneficial.