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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Getting annoyed with solicitors, exps and orders

45 replies

tammybear · 12/08/2004 13:21

I was going to go see my solicitor next week, but I cant because she's away and this week shes dealing with a big case, so cant be seen til 6th sept

exp has a bee in his bonnet about getting this bloody PR, and like some of the mumnetters have said, I dont think I should agree unless he shows he can be responsible, which I did say to him but he just laughed

If I said no, he would be able to go to the courts to try and sort it out wouldnt he?

Also, Im away from 27th, and he wants to see dd that weekend, although I told him I didnt want him to come that weekend (why dont people bloody listen to me!!! ) Mums on about she doesnt mind them coming, but I bloody do!!! Exps saying that since Im not there, it shouldnt affect me (like he has a f*ing clue) and I know even if I turned around to him and say no, he will just sort something out behind my back with my mum!!

OP posts:

MeanBean · 12/08/2004 13:29

Bit concerned that you can't rely on your Mum to support you Tammybear. She needs to understand that undermining you by making arrangements with your ex is not in your interest or her grandchild's. You have to be seen to be united, otherwise your xp can cause all sorts of trouble between you and your mother - not a good state of affairs for you.

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

beansmum · 12/08/2004 13:35

sounds like you're feeling as happy as me today!
if you don't want your ex to come while you're away you should expect your mum to understand that its up to you, why do mums always think they know best? i've decided i don't want my ex to have any more contact with ds but my mum won't drop the subject. shes never met ex but she thinks she knows all about the situation and keeps trying to make me phone him.

about the pr, do you think your ex would actually go to court? i know mine wouldn't

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 13:37

there was a time where mum used to side with exp. she said she was doing it in the best interests of her granddaughter but didnt actually stop to think of her actual daughter That really annoyed me, plus she still speaks to him now and again, and I found txts from him that he had sent her months ago that she still kept. That really bugs me. She knows of all the problems that Ive been through with him but still like you say doesnt really support me.

One minute shes saying things like "i think its best he doesnt have anything to do with you and dd, and maybe you should cancel maintenance so he has no attachments" and then shes saying "oh i dont mind them coming to see dd when you're away" She was even saying to me that she would rather just have the week with dd and for him not to come down!!

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Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 13:39

not sure beansmum. this is like the third or fourth time hes been going on about getting PR, and it seems like this time hes actually going through with it. But I think its because the last time I saw him, I told him I was with someone (dp) so hes trying to get his rights in case I had dp take over as the father. I think thats why hes sort of kicked this into gear. Im not sure if hed go to the courts. His parents probably force him to. He says he has seen a solictor, as I asked if he actually knew what it gave him as last time he didnt have a clue

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beansmum · 12/08/2004 13:58

i think i read somewhere that they nearly always give pr to the dad if he asks for it so maybe it would be easier not to fight about it. thats easy to say but i know i don't want my ex to have pr, he's a crap father! has your ex been involved much with dd, does he see her quite regularly?

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:01

he lives 3hours away. doesnt drive, doesnt work, so cant afford to get here unless his parents are not working one weekend. so its every 3 weekends he sees her, but its been 6 weeks since hes seen her, and if he comes that weekend im away itll be 9weeks, and if he waits til i get back itll be 12 weeks!! he is a crap dad, i really am annoyed at him. he lowered the maintenance without saying. i could really shake him sometimes

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beansmum · 12/08/2004 14:09

i know how you feel! ds is 10 weeks now and ex last saw him when he was 3 weeks, thats such a long time when they're this small, ds is like a completely different baby now and ex missed out on loads. had a couple of weeks of ex phoning and wanting to come round and then not calling to confirm a time, not turning up or cancelling at the last minute. had enough now, ds doesn't need him. your ex sounds great too! think their brains just work differently to ours or something!

JoBurger · 12/08/2004 14:13

Tammybear, sorry to leap into your thread. Just a thought, but couldn't you telephone your solicitor's office and ask if she could call you back as you need her advice urgently? (This presumes she has been instructed).I accept it is a totally different scenario but during my divorce my exh often threw a spanner in the works deliberately to hurt me knowing that my solicitor was in court. My solicitor would call me back before or after court.

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:15

i know what you mean. dd is such a different character to how she was the last time he saw her. she isnt going to be like this forever and hes missing it. I said to him if he saved money he could get the train here and spend a few hours with her. he said what can he do in a few hours!? f*ing idiot. he also moaned because he didnt want to travel by train as it takes to long. it takes the same amount of time in the car, and its no different to just sitting in the back seat of a car!! and then he was on about his parents wont be with him to support him. if i hadnt been so angry i would have just laughed at how stupid that sounds. hes old enough to go places without holding his bloody parents hands

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Freckle · 12/08/2004 14:16

Perhaps you could point out to him that a pr order is for parental responsibility not rights. This means paying towards his child's upkeep - not reducing the small amount he was paying. Getting off his *rse and getting a job so that he can contribute more and making an effort to see her more often, not just often enough to make himself a pain in the proverbial to the child's mother.

Your mother is out of order trying to force you to agree to something you are not happy about. If you explain to your mum just how unhappy it would make you feel if she goes behind your back and how it really isn't in your dd's best interest to have her grandmother being unsupportive to her mum, perhaps your mum might come round a bit.

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:16

JoBurger - I did ring her but she said that because shes busy and if its urgent to contact another solicitor

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JoBurger · 12/08/2004 14:18

Sorry Tammybear, didn't realise you had already contacted her. How do you feel about contacting another solicitor?

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:22

Freckle - i did say about him being more responsible because that's what its about anyway, but he just laughed and said something like i must really hate him, and that he wants responsibility and would have her there if he could he just doesnt get it and it really really annoys me. i feel like bashing his head against a wall.

i did bring it up to my mum about her contact with exp, and she just said so. i dont think she realises how p*ed off i am about this all, and when i do try to explain it to her, she just brushes it off to me being over dramatic.

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Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:24

JoBurger - annoyed as i have to go through it all again, explaining the situation and that. but if i have to do it, ill do it. i dont think i can wait til 6th sept, plus i wanted to see her before i go away to just my mind at rest

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beansmum · 12/08/2004 14:27

your ex sounds so similar to mine! if you don't want to talk to a different solicitor could you just wait til she's back, don't think your ex could do much about it in the next couple of weeks could he? actually i dont have a clue really and should probably stop trying to give advice when i really don't know what i'm talking about!

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:33

beansmum - lol. I dont know whether to wait or not. Hes really doing my head in, and tbh i wish he would just disappear all together to save me all this hassle and stress, but then i think of dd, and i want her to have a relationship with him (even though he is a s**t dad so far) as my dad left us so i know what its like, not that i particularly mind not seeing him anyway. exp said hed bring the forms down and give them to my mum if he comes that weekend. but it seems like it doesnt matter what I want, it only matters what EVERYONE else wants

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beansmum · 12/08/2004 14:44

think you're going to have to try and explain again to your mum why you need her to be on your side. you and dd are the most important people in the situation and you have to be able to rely on your mum to support your decisions. don't know if that makes sense.

it's hard though, i'm terrible at trying to make my mum listen to me, i just end up being angry with her as well as my ex and thats no help to anyone.

hope you realise you made me miss neighbours! can't watch it later coz i'm going out, grrrrrrrrr.

JoBurger · 12/08/2004 14:56

Oh Tammybear, you poor thing.

I really don't know enough about the area (and agree with Beansmum) but as things may kick-off whilst you are away I do think you are right in trying to set your mind at rest. I also understand that going through the whole story again with another solicitor is unpleasant but, if you do, at least you will find out exactly what he can/can't do as far as contact is concerned without your consent.

I'm not sure if he requires your consent for parental responsibility (he may well do if you aren't/weren't married); the court witnessed my dp's application for 'pr' in his presence but I was there and signed the form. I think only then, with 'pr' can he apply for contact. Again, I may well be wrong (things may have changed)and I am sure there are others far more qualified to advise. Just think a solicitor's advice would enable you to have peace of mind whilst you are away.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.x

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:57

lol sorry beansmum, i will try to talk to her again but weve been a bit funny with each other since our arguement a few weeks ago

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Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 14:58

thanks joburger

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MeanBean · 12/08/2004 15:10

Tammybear, the courts will probably give him parental rights automatically, unless there is a good reason not to. So you may either have to prepare yourself to accept that, or discover a good reason why he shouldn't have them. If you are serious about not wanting him to have PR, then I would ask your solicitor if there are any realistic grounds on which they can be withheld.

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 15:13

from what Ive been told about it, i know it doesnt give him much really. So i dont think it would really bother me if he had it or not. its just his attitude and his lack of responsibility that really annoys me plus he thinks i do everything out of spite to him

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aloha · 12/08/2004 15:31

He will get PR if he goes to court. Even convicted criminals can get it. It won't really change things for you practically, so it isn't worth going to court over it if that's what he's genuinely determined to do. What are your worries about his seeing your daughter when you are not there? Might it not be easier to let him see her with your mum present so you don't have to have so much contact with him as he clearly irritates the hell out of you I can totally understand your anger at your mother not doing as you wish re your daughter. What does your daughter want out of this situation?

aloha · 12/08/2004 15:32

I agree he sounds very irritating.

Original poster

tammybear · 12/08/2004 15:44

id rather not be there when he comes, but the last time i was away, he completely ruined it for me as he just had me worried. and the fact that i said not to come as me and mum BOTH agreed that they shouldnt come, mostly because she wanted a week just her and dd, just annoys me. plus i guess i want to be there just to see how dd is, as she cried the last time he came. plus he was going on about "im sure dd enjoyed spending time with me last time" although when i left her with him in the garden, she cried and wouldnt stop til i came back. mum said that she thinks its going to be awkward even if im not there, as of what happened the last time he was here. dd's only 20 months so she doesnt even know who exp is suppose to be. it wouldnt surprise me if she doesnt recognise him when she sees him next.

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