How to deal with a breakup

[Goalhead]

Hi
I'm m with 2 boys under 6 I'm currently in the middle of a difficult breakup with my partner 28 who I think is suffering depression but will not talk to me and will not admit she has depression but is wanting to get away and has said she doesn't want to be with me. She won't give reasons and says I haven't done anything wrong and I don't deserve all this but then other times she can be really nasty and say very hurtful things knowing it will hurt me. I see this as her barrier to avoid the real problem she has and her way of pushing away probably the only person she's had for support for the past 3 years. It's got to a point where I don't think I can do any more and I feel she's pushed me so far away. My big worry isn't so much about our relationship but her depression and until that gets sorted she will never be happy. She seems to accept that she will never be happy and that's how it's meant to be despite me saying she doesn't deserve that and saying this isn't about me and her it's about her accepting and dealing with this depression but all I get in response is "I don't want to talk about it to anyone!" she just can't seem to snap out of this and I can't help but keep trying because I care so much...even now I feel I've been completely pushed away but I can't help but try to think of how I can help her and make her see sense.
I feel I have to concede that she isn't going to help herself so I have no option but to let her go and accept I can't help everyone which is hard to accept because of how I feel but maybe it's what I need to do. A couple of friends have said what will happen with the children and while no matter what and even through difficult times we have always said our children come first and this won't affect them which we have still maintained and kept it amicable in front of them. She has also said that it's her that wants to move out so she will move out (although her reason is because me and the boys are better off without her...putting herself down and classic depression signs). So that has always been what would happen is the boys would stay with me. Someone else also said I need to seek legal advice as we are not married she can just take the kids from me whenever she wants so I should go for custody of them. My work and the kids schools and nursery are close to home my work life is balanced around their life and I get school holidays off as well so it does all make sense for them to be with me and I will never ever cut her out of the kids lives I will always love and respect her as the mother of my children and I would rather not have a custody battle because we are not arguing about the kids and are amicable about them but if they can just be taken off me just like that then I'd be very naive to not look at my options despite still not wanting her to even leave us I'm just completely lost and confused about everything and don't know what to think or do. Looking back over all this it does look like a massive long rant/rabble or vent so apologies for that but any advice on anything I've said above is greatly appreciated and thanks if you have managed to read all of this
X

I just want to add after re reading this that at no point do I blame her for all of this I blame the depression... She is an amazing mother to the kids and would do anything for them which is why I'm worried about her current state atm. I don't want anyone thinking I'm bad mouthing her because I'm not I will always love and respect her no matter what

Can I ask if you can maybe have a word with HV ?

You are in a difficult position if she won't accept help.

Firstly are you on BC ? if so you have PR.. if not you need to apply to be on BC and pr if she doesn't agree to do this can be done through the courts.

The thing with residency is that there has to be a reason for changing main residency. I would go for 30 minutes free discussion to clarify your position.

Something about your words worry me. Thinking your children are better off without you disturbs me.

Hi thanks for your reply... I'm not too sure of some of the code phrases so can't really answer them. HV? BC I'm guessing is birth certificate which I am and they have my surname whereas she doesn't. Not sure about the PR but either sorry.

As for her words yes that is what she is saying and it does worry me a lot that she feels so down that the people closest to her are better off without her which I know we aren't. It has all the signs and symptoms of depression I just don't know what to do. I don't know if she is genuinely wanting to move out... I don't think there would ever be a custody battle because we are being amicable and not letting the kids be aware of it all but I'm mainly worried that when she clears her head if the split is still what she wants that she then wants the kids and can just take them from me if she does and I'd be defenseless

If the split is permanent and you want the children to live with you for all/the majority of time then it’s best getting a Child Arrangement Order in place. If your ex is in agreement it makes things so much simpler and should be a quick process.

The issue with leaving things as they are is any parent with PR (Parental Responsibility- so mother and father if he’s named on the birth certificate) can refuse to return the child after contact and in the absence of a Court Order clearly stating with which parent the child resides then the police would be powerless to force the other parent to return them.

Yes bc is birth certificate and as you are on there you do have parental responsibility.

Where is she planning to stay hopefully not alone

H v is health visitor . It may be pnd. At least she might get more support from someone who she sees as impartial.

At the moment she can't afford anywhere properly where she could have the boys stay with her and we share them equally so her only option she seems to think atm is to save a bit up over the next few weeks and move into something like a house share so she has her space and obviously she wouldn't be able to have the boys over. I don't know how serious she is about all this and keep trying to tell myself this is all the depression talking and the depression making her say nasty things and put me through this which I'm not blaming her for. She refuses to speak to anyone about it especially me. She's gone in the space of 2 weeks from kissing me and cuddling me to acting like I repulse her and telling me not to touch her or hug her which is hurtful but I have to keep saying this is the depression and the affect its having on her. She says she will talk when she's ready but to me this is something she's been pushing under the carpet for a couple of years now. She's sort of in denial that it's depression or just seems to think this is how it is and that's that. Her reason for ending with me is because I don't deserve this and deserve to be happy and she doesn't want to be miserable anymore and we apparently make each other miserable. But yet she can't see that by moving away from the people who love her the most and not knowing what she's going to do to make herself not miserable i worry she is just going to go into a downward spiral. In the long term that's not good for the kids and herself. I've spoken to doctor myself and was signed off work with stress and and in the process of organising some counseling for myself and I've got a great support in my family who are there for me but she's pushed everyone away she hasn't really got anyone. I don't want to give up on her regardless of whether we are together or not because I'll always want her to be happy

I do think it's possibly post natal depression as our youngest is 3 1/2 and this has been possibly brushed under for the last 3 years so either way yes I think it is depression but how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped and wont help the self?